


Silent Night

by morgana_l



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Lily/James - Freeform, POV Lily, Personal Growth, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Romance, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-11 03:32:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 58,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10454016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgana_l/pseuds/morgana_l
Summary: Lily Evans was a believer. She believed she and her sister would make up. She believed Severus would do the right thing. And maybe - just maybe - even James Potter could change.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a translated story. I would like to have any building criticism and suggestions, translating can be hard :/
> 
> Obviously I don't own anything.

On Wednesday morning at six o'clock Lily Evans was sitting in the back of a cab, squinting against the morning light that streamed yellow and hot between the trees that stretched on either side of the country road. The worn book in her lap was damp from her grip, which hadn't loosened form it's paperback cover almost all night. Even as she slept her short, disturbed sleep in the moving train she had kept it under her arm. The dark, crumpled cover comforted and soothed her, the rustle of it's yellow pages warded off somber thoughts. The handwritten dedication on the inside of the cover was barely visible now, but that did not change the deep meaning it had for her.  
The flickers of light and shadow between the trees were hypnotizing and reassuring, and she found herself sinking into a slumber. Just as she was about to succumb to the warm feeling the cab slowed down for a turn, interrupting the sleepy spell. After a few brief moments it stopped with a soft screech of brakes. The peaceful woods were replaced by a handsome pale- stoned country estate.  
The fear and excitement that had withdrawn from Lily's thoughts during the soothing journey came back at once. She paid the driver and opened the cad door clumsily. She felt incredibly small in front of the grand house, threatened almost, even though she had spent the last six years of her life in a magical and glorious castle.  
The driver took her bags out of the trunk and drove off without a word. Lily was left all alone. She hesitated for a brief moment, wondering whether she should wait for someone to meet her. Suddenly she realized with a flush that she was the one who would be expected do these simple jobs around the house. With this thought in her mind she griped her trunk with one hand, her book in the other, and began walking up the path to the main entrance.  
Lily's sister responded with the expected contempt when she learned that she was going to spend the summer as a chambermaid in a rich family's home. Their father only gave a confused smile and kissed Lily's red hair. Ever since she returned from school he was less lucid than ever before. She told herself that she was doing it for him, that Petunia couldn't afford to keep the house and all of their father's hospital bills with her modest salary as a post office clerk, that she was giving up her summer vacation to atone for all the months she was away at school. It helped reassure her that she was doing the right thing. Only when she was alone with her thoughts did she allow herself to admit to herself that being a simple chambermaid was a great pleasure compered to spending two whole months with her judgmental sister and ill father.  
She took a deep breath and tried to enjoy the pleasant summer weather along the dewy path to the house. From the day she saw the ad in the needed section in the Daily Prophet she was excited, even happy, in light of the opportunity that fell in her lap. The work was at a high salary, because wizards and witches didn't traditionally taked jobs that were usually done by house- elves, and this was going to be the first time she would visit a wizard's home. However, the main thing that gave her hope was the chance to spend the whole summer in the countryside. As a child, her parents took her and her sister on long walks, when her mother was still alive and her father was healthy and functioning; Lily couldn't remember the last time they had all been together in the open air of the hills and forests. It was long before Hogwarts, that she knew for sure.  
She was just trying to drag her trunk up the cracked stone steps that led to the door (legally she was allowed to do magic outside the school, but she did't know Mrs. Chambers' policy regarding using magic outside the house) when the front door opened. Against the background of the dim space inside stood an impressive woman. She wore a green robe that was simple but suited her broad, proud figure.  
"Miss Evans, just in time," she greeted Lily formally. With a simple wave of her wand the trunk sprung free from the slot in the stone where it had stuck and drifted to the threshold. "In your letters you indicated that you were seventeen and that you were allowed to perform magic outside the school."  
Lily blushed fiercely. "That's right, I... I mean... I didn't know that I..."  
"I'm Mrs. Chambers," the woman introduced herself, not interested in Lily's excuses. "Please come in, I'll give you a tour."  
Lily straightened her skirt nervously, brought her book to her breast and entered obediently. She didn't expect to meet the mistress of the house as soon as she arrived, she hoped to make a better impression. She could express herself well in her letters, but she feared that in reality she would be less impressive than in writing.  
The interior of the house was dim and a little stifling. All the curtains were drawn on the windows, and only a few wall lamps illuminated the space with dim light. Like the outside of the house, the interior had a special charm that made it's neglected facade heartbreaking in a way. This neglect aroused in a feeling of pity in Lily, as if the house were in mourning.  
"After me, please," Mrs. Chambers said formally and started the tour in a business- like manner, Lily hovering behind her meekly. She followed in utter silence, gulping down every detail of the simple, enchanting architecture of the building. The walls, that were covered with tastefully chosen fine wallpaper, were decorated with paintings of autumnal and springy landscapes, dogs, horses, hawks and stags. Knights were keeping watch, and ladies were strolling and dozing in the meadows pleasantly.  
Mrs. Chambers showed her the kitchen, where a lonely, quiet cook was working on breakfast, the big empty dining room with a large mahogany table that shone in the morning light, and then the drawing room, where a warm fire burned in the fireplace though no one occupied the crimson velvet sofas. One would think nobody lived in this house, where everything was neatly arranged and enclosed, as if not moved for ages, except for a book about wizard history that was lying on one of the couches, its spine cracked with effort. With a book-lover's instinct, Lily closed it and placed it on the pillow in its natural position.  
"This is the study," Mrs. Chambers said, gesturing to a set of closed painted- glass doors in the corner of the room. "You will not enter this room, not even to clean. I alone may clean it. Let's move on. "  
Lily nodded immediately. It wasn't until she climbing up the wooden steps (lined with a purple and green carpet with an twisting ivy pattern) after Mrs. Chambers that she internalized the words to which she nodded greedily. What sort of secret was held in the study that was so important that the lady of the house cleaned it herself?  
She forgot all about that mystery when Mrs. Chambers showed her the library. It was not as impressive as the Hogwarts library, with it's shelves towering up to the ceiling, but it held a considerable amount of intriguing and special books, all of them magical, scattered on the shelves and tables.  
"When you told me in your letters about your love for reading I decided immediately that you would be in charge of the library," Mrs. Chambers told her. She didn't alter her solemn tone of voice for a moment, but Lily felt she was making an attempt at a gesture of kindness for a complete stranger.  
"Thank you!" She said excitedly, feeling foolish that she couldn't find any more words to express her gratitude. "You won't regret it, ma'am."  
Mrs. Chambers just nodded and went on with the tour. Lily had already begun to think of how to organize the books when they stopped in a junction between the hallway and a narrow stairway that led downwards.  
"Down the corridor are the guest rooms and the master bedrooms," Mrs. Chambers explained briefly before she started down the stairs on her right in a remarkably easy step. "None of them are in use, except for the young master's room, but since I suspect he hasn't yet woken up, we will skip to the next stage of the tour. Here is where the house workers' rooms are located, most of which are not in use except for Madeline's room. Our gardener and land keeper, Maxwell, lives in a hut on the edge of the west side of the estate." They came to a halt in front of one of the first doors in the narrow corridor. "This will be your room."  
Lily opened her mouth to say thank you, but Mrs. Chambers was still talking, "Madeleine's room is the one in front of you, and my room is at the end of the hall. I'll thank you if you would refrain from bothering me in the evening, unless it's an emergency, of course."  
Mrs. Chambers's displeased look made Lily's realize her mouth was slightly open.  
"Excuse me," she said at last, feeling her face burning as she realized it was the second time she was embarrassing herself that morning. "But I thought ... I mean, I was sure you were the landlady?"  
"Absolutely not," Mrs. Chambers answered without hesitation. "I'm just the housekeeper."  
"I'm so sorry." Lily longed to bury herself under the carpet to avoid the housekeeper's uncompromising gaze.  
"The landlady and her husband are no longer with us, I'm afraid," Mrs. Chambers said, saving Lily the need to prolong her shameful apology. "I'm running all the affairs of the house at this time. The young master is not interested in these matters, as you will realize soon."  
Lily nodded in an attempt to save her image.  
Mrs. Chambers glanced at her watch. "In a quarter of an hour breakfast will be served, and at the master's request we all dine together in the main dining room. I believe you will find your way?"  
"Of course," Lily said at once, wanting to believe it was true. She was not going to make a fool of herself for the third time.  
Mrs. Chambers left and Lily dragged her trunk into the room. It was a modest room, with a wooden bed set in white covers, an old closet and a desk with a fine glass lamp under the window. Lily put her book down on the bed, sat down on the mattress heavily, and buried her face in her knees. This was not how she imagined her first acquaintance with her employer.  
Lily cared what people thought of her. Her classmates were the opposite of her in that aspect. The the other girls in her dorm didn't care what the teachers thought of them as students, what their parents thought is they failed the test or got detention, what everyone thought of the last boy they kissed. But to Lily it mattered – maybe that was the reason she could never really call them her friends. She didn't want it to be that way, but it was, and she couldn't stand the look of derision, scorn or pity in the eyes of someone else. She knew exactly how it felt.  
Deciding that it wasn't the time to be consumed by self-pity and fears she rose resolutely, took a brush out of her bag, and went to the mirror to brush her travel- wild hair. Then she straightened her dark flowered skirt and the reddish-brown blouse that she hoped would give her a sense of credibility. She pinched her freckled cheeks lightly, like her mother had taught her to do to give them a little color and remove the pallor of fatigue. Finally, trying to recover her lost honor in Mrs. Chambers's eyes, she pulled her long hair away from her face with a silver lily-shaped brooch that she had received as a gift from Professor Slughorn that Christmas.  
Glancing at the clock, she realized that she had a few minutes left. She went to the window and pushed the pale linen curtains to reveal that her room looked out onto a garden of young apple trees. One of them grew right next to her window, so close she could see morning dewdrops still clinging to a tiny green apple. She opened the window and was greeted by a cool breeze that smelled of flowers. She breathed the air deep into her lungs, allowing it to calm her and cool her face, give her the strength and hope to straighten her back, and turned the way she came towards the dining room.  
She was relived to had found her way and to arrive just in time. At the table sat Mrs. Chambers, sipping tea silently, with a man about her age with frizzy gray hair that was reading the newspaper. His thin, stained hands from years of manual labor were clenching the thin paper in a clawing grip.  
"Hello," Lily greeted him, "my name is Lily Evans, Mrs. Chambers hired me as a chambermaid."  
The man snarled something behind the newspaper, not lowering it or even offering her a glance with his heavy-lidded eyes, that were absorbed in the article as if it were a matter of life and death.  
"This is Maxwell," Mrs. Chambers answered for him. "I apologize for his behavior."  
Lily murmured that it was all right and sat down a little uncertainty. The silence around the table was choking. Lily felt relieved when Madeleine the cook came in from the kitchen, ans as she served breakfast gave Lily a gentle smile. The grandfather clock behind the table began to chime the seven o'clock with a crocked ring. Mrs. Chambers put down the tea cup and turned to look at the door intently. Lily followed her gaze, trying to figure out what she was looking at.  
The clock rang once, twice, three, four – when it suddenly stopped and went completely still. Lily looked at it and realized that the pendulum had frozen at an unnatural angle. Before she could figure out what was the cause there was the sound of quick steps on the carpet, and another man sat down at the table with a graceful sway. The clock sprung back to life and rang for the remaining three hours, but Lily didn't notice it at that point.  
"Late again, Master James," Mrs. Chambers greeted the master of the house solemnly. He was, Lily understood with a sense of burning shame and hanger, none other than James Potter.  
"I'm not late," Potter replied with the careless defiance that Lily knew too well from school. He was the last person she expected to encounter that day, which was supposed to be a new beginning for her. "It's exactly seven o'clock. Look at your watch."  
Mrs. Chambers glanced at her watch and clutched her chest, halting a surprised cry with pursed lips. She unfastened the strap and tossed the clock to the center of the table as if it were a disgusting creature. Lily leaned toward it and let out a squeak of surprise and panic when she saw a tiny, ugly face that was pressed to the inside of the glass with a grotesque expression. As a joke it wasn't funny at all.  
"Evens, I wasn't aware you were coming today," Potter said, not at all surprised to see her, as he loaded food onto his plate. Unlike Lily he didn't make an effort to comb his hair, and his striped shirt was wrinkled. He behaved as if it were nothing more than a meal in the Great Hall, and his kind smile made her feel discomfort, a feeling that there was something cunning behind it.  
"You know Miss Evans?" Mrs. Chambers asked in the tone of one who is preparing to be a victim of a prank. For the first time Lily watched her lose her composure a little, and the stiff but kind woman was suddenly pleasant to behold, after all. Lily noticed immediately that like many school teachers she was frustrated with Potter but loved him at the time.  
"Yes," Potter replied mid- bite. "We go to school together. Didn't I tell you? I probably forgot."  
Mrs. Chambers looked at Lily expecting her to say something. Potter was absorbed in eating, the reflection of morning light on his glasses concealing his eyes and his intentions. There was nothing new about it. Lily realized she'd better shut up than say something stupid that would endanger her job.  
She got up a little too quickly and offered to serve the tea. Mrs. Chambers let her, so Lily moved around the table and poured the tea with trembling hands. As she filled Potter's cup she fought the urge to pour the steaming drink on his hand. The pleasant, peaceful way he thanked her, as if the situation wasn't strange at all, infuriated her even more.  
She returned to her seat and spread the napkin over her knees with exaggerated emphasis. Every second her anger grew worse as she internalized the depth of the prank that had been pulled on her. Mrs. Chambers hired her two weeks before the end of the term, which meant that for the last two weeks Potter had been sitting with her in the same classrooms knowing she was going to work for him. He knew –he probably planned it from the start! – that as soon as she would enter that house, she will be nothing more than his maid.  
The thought boiled her blood so hotly that she could barely hold the fork. Just when she began to think that Potter might have changed. How naive she was. After all, it wasn't the first time she got a glance of his true colors.  
She looked at him, wanting her gaze to make him feel the words she wanted to shout in his face, and found him looking at her from the corner of his eye.  
"What?" She demanded. Everyone at the table turned to look at her. Even Maxwell glanced over the edge of the newspaper. "I mean," she corrected her tone quickly, hiding her mouth behind a napkin for a moment. "What is my work schedule going to be, Mrs. Chambers?"  
Mrs. Chambers immediately began a detailed explanation of Lily's role in the house, and she on her part willed everything in the room except for the housekeeper's face and voice to disappear. She thought she heard Potter mumble something that sounded like "Nice catch," but she preferred to pretend he didn't exist at all.


	2. Chapter 2

Lily itched to face Potter and tell him exactly what she thought about him and about what he had done, but her only weapons were a dust brush and a broom, as opposed to the Master's undisputed authority. So she spent her first two days at the house flooded with sullen thoughts and plans of revenge that she knew she would never go trough with.

While she was confined to the rooms that required thorough cleaning, Potter was not limited by Mrs. Chambers's strict orders and watchful eye; so he spent most of his time outdoors, flying on his stupid broom and doing God- knew- what else.

Friday morning broke rainy and gray. After breakfast Lily had the first opportunity to clean the library. She had hoped to spend the whole day with the books, alone with her thoughts, but Potter had to destroy her plans by deciding to sit down to read there, on the couch in front of the blazing fireplace. The first hour passed swiftly while he acted as if she weren't there, and she didn't complain as the magical brush gently cleaned the dust off the books that then floated into her hands and to their rightful place on the shelf. It was the first time she had been alone in the room with Potter since she arrived, but she couldn't find the courage to tell him what she was thinking for fear of losing her job and being sent home. So she kept silent and hoped she would be able to spend the whole summer that way.

But Potter was not going to let her do that after all. He closed his history book decisively and sat up to look at her over the back of the couch. "All right, you win," he said in a final tone. "You managed to break me. Say something Evans, I can't stand this silent treatment anymore."

Lily almost fell into the trap, but at the last moment she held her tongue and turned to straighten the books on a nearby shelf. She wasn't going to take part in this game and let him spoil the good impression she had been making on Mrs. Chambers.

"Come on," he pleaded with her, trying to use his famous personal charm that had long since ceased to affect Lily. He made a great effort to pretend to be sincere and apologetic, while she kept up solid wall of silence. "I know you're angry, I would have been mad too if I were you, but Mrs. Chambers was so pleased when she wrote me about you, and I know how hard it is to find someone she likes. I didn't want her to clean the house by herself all summer. She doesn't show it, but her hip is killing her – "

"Maybe you help her if you care so much," Lily snapped at him. She immediately regretted her sharp words, as she often did when she spoke her mind without thinking. She turned her back on Potter, waiting tensely to hear him laugh, to hear him say it was much easier than he had expected, and that now Mrs. Chambers was going to fire her...

He did no such thing, though. To her amazement his response was, "You're right."

"What?" It was the last thing she expected to hear him say. She turned from the books to see him standing up resolutely.

"You're right," he repeated, rolling up his sleeves. "I'll help. What should I do?"

Lily was speechless. James Potter, the spoiled and insensitive pure- blood, wants to help her clean?

"I know!" He said, "Mrs. Chambers always complains that the curtains are dusty." He aimed his wand at the velvet curtains. The spell he cast was so strong that they got torn off and fell to the floor. Lily put a hand to her mouth. "I'll fix it," Potter said quickly. With another spell he managed to hang the curtains back in place and breaking the lock on the window at the same time. It swung open with force, letting in the rainy wind from outside. A book at the top of a pile on a nearby desk opened with a rustle and its pages were almost got torn out.

"Stop!" Lily intervened, leaping forward to close the window. Meanwhile Potter managed to cast another over- powered spell; the window slammed shut and shattered. The rain came streaming in and soaked the books.

" _Repairo_!" Lily repaired the broken window hastantly. Potter tried to cast yet another spell, but Lily blocked his path before he could do any more damage. "No! Sit!"

Potter sat down on the couch obediently, slightly ashamed. Lily turned to save the books with a drying spell before they were completely destroyed. The damage was prevented just in time, except for the volume of modern spells at the top of the heap, whose some of the pages had almost completely been ripped from it's spine.

Lily tired to estimate the the damage when Potter said, "I'm usually aces at household charms, I don't know what came over me ..." The uncertain tone in his voice made Lily look up at him. He sat with his elbows on his knees, passing his wand between his hands with uncharacteristic nervousness. Lily tried to remember whether she'd ever seen him in a state of insecurity, even only a little, but she couldn't.

"You're using too much force," she heard herself saying, "it's good for Transfiguration, but Charms require more subtlety."

"Yeah, Flitwick tells me that all the time ..." Potter admitted, contradicting the claim that he was "aces" in household charms. "I'm sorry," he added. "I was just trying to help."

Lily put the damaged book aside, planning to find a way to fix it after she finished cleaning the library. "Maybe you should stick to Quidditch," she said. Potter grinned, although Lily wasn't joking. He must have seen it in her face, because the smile quickly disappeared from his face.

"Listen," he said more seriously. "I'm sorry. if you want to leave here I can talk to Mrs. Chambers, I'll tell her it's my fault."

Lily considered the offer briefly. The thought of Petunia's sour face and her father's shriveled body in his wheelchair frightened her.

"I can't leave," she said quietly, returning to her work. Potter didn't repeat the offer ever again.

*

The next day the sun came out again. Lily wore a light- blue dress and put on her best shoes. It was Sunday, the household workers' day off, and she planned to go to church in the nearby town.

She entered the dining room a few minutes before seven. To her surprise Potter was already there, hunched over the morning paper. Until that morning he was never in time for a meal.

"Good morning," Lily greeted the rest of the table, which included Madeline and Mrs. Chambers. As they replied quietly Potter looked up from the newspaper. He looked as if he hadn't slept at all that night, and the fatigue made his face look frighteningly more mature and serious. Then his gaze found Lily, and as he smiled the vision vanished without a trace.

Lily slipped away from his gaze and sat down at the corner of the table, in the seat farthest from him. Their conversation the day before didn't change the fact that he had made her feel deceived.

"Where's Maxwell?" She asked. She hadn't exchanged a single word with the sullen gardener since she had arrived, but every other person in the room that separated her from Potter was a blessing for her. To her surprise it wasn't Mrs. Chambers who answered, but Potter who replied, "He's running some errands for me."

For some reason the words left a tense echo in the room, so Lily didn't go on asking about the mysterious errand. Apparently she wasn't the only one who felt it, because Mrs. Chambers sounded almost too enthusiastic when she asked her how she intended to spend her day off. Lily said she had planned to go to church, and the rest were amazed and intrigued by the idea. Like many of Lily's classmates who had come from magical families religion was a confusing idea for them, and church services seemed for them almost like circus events.

Lily had never let this approach undermine her faith and what going to church on Sunday mornings had symbolized for her, even if sometimes their point of view had made her doubt. But no matter how far she deviated from the way she was raised, in the end she always returned to her faith in the difficult moments. It comforted her to know that no matter what happened faith will always be there for her, even when no one else would.

"I'll take you there," Potter suggested after she'd finished giving a brief explanation about Christianity. "I have an Appearation license, and I visited town lots of times."

"No," Lily said at once. Then, pretending to be very focused on her toast, she added, "Thanks, I'd rather walk."

"It's a long walk," Potter insisted lightly. Maybe it was his way of trying to make it up to her for what he had done, but he didn't realize he was only embarrassing her in front of Mrs. Chambers.

"It's a nice day," Lily replied in a final tone.

He didn't bring the subject up again for the rest of the meal, so when Lily finished eating and went out the back door into the crisp morning air she was sure she had slipped away from him. But as soon as she began walking down the path between Mrs. Chambers' dear vegetable patches Potter called for her to wait.

"I want to show you something," he said. "Please, it'll only take a few minutes, and it's on your way."

Lily agreed, feeling she has no choice, and knowing that he wouldn't let go until she gave in to at least some of his wishes. She followed him to an open shed on the edge of the estate, near the deserted road. To her surprise it was filled with a variety of Muggle objects that were arranged in cabinets shelves that covered every inch of the wooden walls. From radios to glass snowballs, the objects were sorted and neatly arranged as if by a collector. At the center of the space stood an old but well-preserved car, bright red with an open roof.

"My mom loved Muggles," Potter told her as she studied the objects. "She used to say that they were much smarter than us, because instead of using magic to do everything they built tools to help them. You like it?"

He was talking about the car, which Lily was examining from every angle. Her father used to be a car enthusiast, so Lily accompanied him to a lot of car shows when she was young. He even taught her to drive when she returned from her third year at Hogwarts, just before he became bound to a wheelchair. Today he probably won't be able to tell the difference between a race car and a hay wagon.

"It's in good shape," Lily replied, feeling a sweet- and- sour emotion at the sight of the shiny wheels and bright leather seats.

"Mom made up spells especially to maintain it. She was good at it," Potter said proudly, standing on the other side of the car. Like Lily, he too seemed torn between sweet memories and the sour reality.

For the first time since Lily arrived at the Potter household she realized Potter was in fact an orphan. She knew his parents passed away at the beginning of that school year; He had been in a leave of absence from school for three weeks, and everyone talked about it because no one really knew what had happened to the Potters. Even for a single moment Lily didn't feel she should give him any slack because of it. But now the realization was beginning to sink that he had in fact changed since he had lost his parents. After he returned to school he was quiet, almost withdrawn. He was no longer so conspicuous that by the end of the year Lily had almost forgotten that he was there. He stopped trying to talk to her and be friendly, he even stopped harassing the Slytherins. James Potter had become a ghost in the school corridors, and Lily, preoccupied with her own troubles, had forgotten he even existed.

"I had been wanting to take it on a test drive for a few days now," Potter said, reminding Lily where she was and with whom. "I can drive you to the village if you want."

"Do you even know how to drive?" Lily asked doubtfully.

Potter grinned mischievously, unable to conceal his slight embarrassment. "How hard can it be?"

Lily found herself smiling slightly and shaking her head. "Maybe some other time," she answered, taking hold of an old bicycle that was leaning on the wall, shaking the dust off and checking that the strap was intact. Potter didn't insist, just shrugged.

Lily sat on the bicycle, adjusting her skirt, when she realized he was looking at her. She looked back at him and he didn't flinch. Something in his glance suddenly reminded her that for a time during their fourth and fifth year he kept stubbornly asking her to Hogsmeade. He only stopped trying after what had happened with Severus at the end of their fifth year.

During their sixth year he went out with almost all of Lily's female classmates. They kept telling her that she was a fool for missing the chance to go out with James Potter, who had been chasing her for almost two years with an interest far greater than he'd ever shown in anyone else, and their envy was clear. She, on the other hand, had more serious issues to deal with than James Potter's romantic life. She was just glad he had stopped bothering her. But now the way he looked at her made her think that this chapter had not yet come to an end, as she had thought.

"Goodbye," she said, trying to dispel the uncertain tension that made her want to run away.

"Bye," Potter replied without looking away, putting on a strange smile.

 _Idiot_ , Lily thought and rode away.

As soon as she was alone between the trees, paddling rhythmically along the road, she felt much better. The freedom and the breeze in her hair felt nice, reminding her of why she loved loneliness so much. All her woes seemed small in relation to the sturdy trunks and the pristine river that she had crossed over an ancient stone bridge. These were the things that always made her feel better, reminding her that even when she would be gone, life would continue to exist. It was a thought that made every problem seem small and insignificant.

During Mass she sat in a wooden bench in the back of the hall, where she had a view of all the Muggles who filled the benches, and of the stained glass windows that decorated the high stone walls. She wasn't in the mood to pray or sing. Not because she felt estranged, but simply because for a moment she wanted to feel like she wasn't really there, but watching from above. As she listened to the priest's sermon she decided to take his advice and forgive the world – forgive Petunia and Severus and her classmates, who were supposed to be her friends but were never there for her. And to try and forgive James Potter, too.


	3. Chapter 3

All things considered, the first week in the Potter household passed pleasantly for Lily. She spent her days cleaning, arranging the house and helping Madeleine in the kitchen, yet she didn't feel like a maid at all. Madeleine treated her like a younger sister, even though she didn't talk much, and Mrs. Chambers was also affectionate toward her in her strict way. It felt almost as if she had a mother and a sister there; she could spend the quiet evenings with them, reading and talking or just relaxing. Maxwell the gardener rarely recognized her presence, but after a week Lily was so used to seeing his tall figure walking around the grounds through the windows on the top floor that she couldn't imagine the house without his sulky silence at dinner-time.

As for Potter, she managed to get used to his presence after a few days. He spent most of his time outside or closed in the study, so between meals Lily saw very little of him. He never spent his evenings in the sitting-room with the women. Lily didn't really care what he was up to in his spare time, until once, while arranging the library after supper, she glanced out the window and saw him walking beside Maxwell to the cabin at the end of the estate, wearing a long dark coat against the evening chill. They appeared to be discussing gravely some extremely serious matters.

On Tuesday afternoon a group of wizards in handsome robes arrived at the house and enclosed themselves with Potter in the drawing room. It was supposed to be Mrs. Chambers's job to serve them tea, but her hip was particularly sore after she fell on Potter's broom in the hall the day before (Lily enjoyed watching him squirm unpleasantly as the housekeeper scolded him from her seat at the kitchen chair where Lily and Madeline helped her sit). So the task fell to Lily.

She straightened her apron and arranged the disobedient edges of her hair in front of the mirror outside the drawing room before she lifted the tea tray and went in, walking as straight as she could, like Mrs. Chambers had instructed her. The wizards in the drawing room weren't impressed, though; In fact they didn't even notice Lily's entry, even when she put the tray down on the table and began pouring the tea. They were engrossed in a serious conversation about the couches in the center of the room while Potter sat hunched in one of the armchairs, staring out the window with obvious boredom. He was the only one to notice Lily's entrance. He seemed particularly pleased to see her, as if he thought she was going to put him out of his misery.

"If you inspire to have a wizard's rights you have to contribute something to the wizard's society," one of the guests, a bearded old man, growled while Lily poured the tea. "Goblins are entitled to rights because of their contribution to the economy. However, vampires and werewolves are not entiteld to make such demands when they do nothing but harm!"

"That's exactly how the cycle of violence continues," said a young wizard, a little older than Lily and Potter. "I'm not keen on giving them rights, believe me, but it's better to compromise with them than to have them swear allegiance to He- Who- Must- Not- Be Named!"

"Why mustn't he be named, anyway?" Potter interrupted the conversation in a bored tone. His guests stopped talking and stared at him. "I reckon," he went on as Lily put a steaming cup of tea in front of each guest while listening to his words with interest. "Anyone who calls him that simply doesn't know his name and is embarrassed to admit it, Or just can't pronounce it. It's a pretty long name... Thanks," he thanked Lily heartily as she served him the tea, "Voldemort."

The guests moved uncomfortably, exchanging glances.

"Come on, say the name," Potter insisted, and suddenly Lily realized he wasn't joking. "Voldemort, Vol- de- mo – "

"This is enough!" The bearded wizard interrupted him, his voice trembling slightly. "We are all aware of your loss, Mr. Potter, but it does not give you an excuse to behave in this manner!"

"So how am I supposed to behave?" Potter defied, placing the tea cup down on the side table and splashing a few drops on the polished surface. Lily hurried to clean it up and put a coaster under the cup. "Like I'm shrieking with fear every time I hear his name? Like he's something divine, inhuman, that I'm supposed to be afraid of? Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, but he's not. And when you act as if he is you're only making him stronger."

An awkward silence spread through the room. The guests looked at each other as if trying to find a way to leave without being rude, all without exchanging a word.

"Just leave," Potter spared them the embarrassment with validity. "You've invited yourself, so you can show yourself out, too."

Agitated and embarrassed, the guests stood up and exited the drawing room as one. Lily followed them to the door, not knowing whether she was to escort them and give them their coats, as she had done when they came. As if he read her mind, Potter said, "Forget it. The less polite we are the less chance they'll ever come back."

Lily closed the door the shut off the sound of the guests grumbling in the hall. Potter took his teacup and went to the window while Lily piled the used teacups back on the tray. She pretended to be busy with the dishes while she considered asking Potter about what had happened, and about what she thought she understood from the conversation.

"Can you stay here for a while?" He asked before she could find an excuse to stay. "I haven't spoken to anyone my age for ages."

"School ended less than two weeks ago," Lily said, leaving the tea tray.

"It's a long time for me," Potter said, starting to act more like himself again. He set the teacup down on the windowsill and sat down in a nearby armchair to watch his angry guests cross the windy grounds, not without the slightest satisfaction.

"What about your friends?" Lily asked.

"Remus and Peter are spending time with their families, and Sirius is looking for an apartment in London," Potter told her. "We write eatch other, but it's not the same. We're inseparable at school."

Lily always wondered how those four didn't go crazy. She couldn't imagine what it was like to be surrounded by the same three people every day, all day long. Solitude was to precious for her. But it seemed that this group of boys, who liked to call themselves the Marauders, had long since become one entity.

"I wish you weren't so nervous around me," Potter said suddenly. He gestured to his armchair's twin.

That caught Lily by surprise. Determined to prove to him that he wasn't making her uneasy she removed her apron and sat down in the chair opposite him, looking out. It was a clear, cool day, and the distant gleam of the sea on the horizon could be seen from afar. 

"Do you always treat your guests so rudely?" She asked as the guests began to Disappearate outside the estate's bounds. 

"I try, yeah," Potter replied lightly. A smile tugged at the corner of Lily's mouth as she rolled her eyes. He added more seriously, "Truthfully, No. Only when they're shallow and arrogant." 

"I think they just wanted some free tea," Lily said. Potter grinned lightly. Carefully, Lily asked, "Were they friends of your parents'?" 

"No," Potter replied sourly. "My dad didn't like them either. They're related to us, I think. I'm not sure exactly how. Remind me to ask Sirius." 

"I'm just cleaning your house, I'm not your secretary." 

Potter laughed. "True. So don't remind me, maybe I'd rather not know which one of them I'll look like when I'm old." 

They both laughed. She never thought she could have a pleasant conversation with Potter. In light of that, she decided not to bring up the subject of his parents.

*

On Sunday after the service Lily called home from a payphone in town. She rocked on her heels nervously as the dial tone played in her ear. After a few moments she decided it was enough and hung up with a sense of relief. On the previous week Petunia hadn't answered the phone either, so Lily assumed she must have taken their father to church or to a walk in the park. At least she tried to reach out. 

Calming her conscience by thinking of asking Mrs. Chambers to go out for a little while in the middle of the week to try calling again, Lily got on the bicycle and started paddling out of the sunny village back towards the house.

The country road was already a familiar and consoling place, between the fields and then right into the woods on the road that led to the ocean, riding on the path that kissed the river, over the bridge and then on the road that led directly to the estate. The ride was long, but Lily enjoyed every moment peace.

That day, however her peaceful ride was interrupted. She went through the bend that bypassed a rocky lump sticking out of the river, and then she was in sight of the bridge. Three figures stood there, leaning against the stone railing while watching the clear water rushing underneath. One of them, thin and fair-haired, raised his hand over his head and waved.

"Oh no..." Lily murmured to herself. She rode as slowly as she could towards the bridge, hoping they might get tired of waiting and leave, but they didn't. She got off the bicycle at the foot of the bridge and drove them by her side until halfway through, where she met the three remaining Marauders.

"Lily, hi," Remus Lupin greeted her kindly. He was the only one of the four she could actually call a friend. In fact, he was the only one she could tolerate. He was a good hearted boy and diligent student, and he and Lily had become close friends since they had been made Perfects the year before. But his close friendship with Potter and Black prevented them from ever having a true friendship.

Lily never understood why he felt the need to be part of that group. She could understand Pettigrew, maybe he had such a low self- esteem that he had to run around after more popular boys. But Remus was well liked among the other students, even among the girls, regardless of his ruthless friends.

"Hey, Remus," Lily replied, looking at him and then at the other two with uncertainty. Pettigrew blushed fiercely as she looked at him and pretended his laces were untied. Black, who was leaning against the railing nonchalantly, greeted her with a short wave and a smile that other girls would blush to. She had no doubt Potter had told them she was working for him, and she had been waiting for a mean joke on Black's behalf, accompanied by Pettigrew's petulant laugh, but it never came.

"What are you doing here?"

"We're visiting James."

"Yes, but what are you doing here?" She gestured to the bridge where they stood. "The house is another fifteen minutes away. Don't you use the Floo, or Appearate?"

For some reason the question embarrassed Remus, who smiled a strange smile at her and scratched his neck.

"We decided to travel the Muggle way," Black interrupted, not phased at all. "We took the train. Wicked, isn't it?"

"Yeah, wicked," Lily replied. The way Remus kept smiling at her was a bit suspicious.

"Shall we?" He changed the subject, gesturing to the road. Lily nodded and began to roll her bike beside him, while Black and Pettigrew walked a little behind them.

"How was your summer so far?" Lily asked with some concern as they walked along the side of the road.

Remus wore a worn autumn jacket even though the day was warm, and his face was pale. When they both became Perfects at the beginning of fifth year he told her that he had a rare magical illness, which was why he was missing out on a lot of classes every month. Lily didn't investigate the nature of his disease, only made sure to show her concern when it was clear that he was feeling ill again.

"It's been fine," Remus replied. "I mostly spent time with my parents, nothing special. How about you?"

"Potter must've already told you everything," Lily replied, not without a trace of resentment.

"Well, yes, but it's not the same as hearing it from you," Remus said wisely.

Lily shrugged, feeling a little bad for being hostile. Remus was always nice to her, even during the peak of Black and Potter's cruelty.

"It's nice here," she said. "Very peaceful. Potter isn't so bad when he's separated from Black."

Remus laughed and looked over his shoulder at Black and Pettigrew, who were trying to get rid of an obsessive fly that clung to Pettigrew. "Unfortunately, it's going to end soon."

Lily didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"But he's different now," Remus continued in a more serious tone. "He matured a lot this year, since he lost his parents."

"I noticed," Lily admitted. Her childhood ended in a single day when her mother died. The feeling must have been heightened for Potter, who had lost both parents in one day, and had no siblings to share the grief with. Even if only for a short while.

They then moved on to lighter topics: The appointment for Head Boy and Girl, the finals, and to classes they were taking next year. Before Lily realized how long it had been they reached the wooden side gate that marked the side- road up to the house, which lay like a sleepy cat on top of the grassy hill. An earthy trail led off the main road through the marshland where Maxwell's house stood directly to the kitchen's back door. 

Lily propped the bicycle on the wall of the house, next to Madeleine's spice patches and Maxwell's heavy work boots, and went into the kitchen. The three guests followed her without hesitation, as if they were at their own home. Lily expected to see Madeleine working on Sunday lunch, but instead of the cook in the middle of a huge and uncharacteristic mess was Potter, his sleeves rolled up and an apron around his waist. 

His friends surrounded him immediately, mocking the apron affectionately and bursting into jolly chatter and jokes. When the four of them were together, in the event that they weren't in the act of a nasty trick or right after one, they always made Lily feel a combination of warmth and envy.

"How was church, Evans?" Potter asked her, and Lily became aware that she was standing and staring at them in silence. There was a strip of flour on Potter's cheek and on his glasses, and he looked exceptionally cheerful, in contrast to he's gloomy behavior that week.

"All right," she replied, feeling slightly embarrassed to be around the merry Marauders. In an attempt to dispel the tension and stir back to familiar waters, she asked, "Where's Madeleine? I'm supposed to help her with lunch."

"I gave her the rest of the day off. I'm cooking today," Potter said as Remus took off his coat and began to wash his hands. Black was tasting the half- cooked food when Potter hit him on the back of the head and said,"Are you going to help out or not?"

"I'm making sure you're not about to poison us," Black replied, pushing Potter's hand. "Could use some pepper." 

In response Potter scattered black pepper on his friend's head. Black sneezed and everyone laughed, Lily too. 

"Miss Evans, a word, if you will?" Mrs. Chambers appeared in the kitchen door. Slightly embarrassed, Lily followed her out of the kitchen, leaving the four boys behind.   
"Master James' friends will be staying in the guest rooms," Mrs. Chambers said. "They are our guests, so they should be treated with no less respect and obedience than the young master."

Lily nodded obediently, although she wasn't really keen on cleaning up after four teenage boys or to have to take orders from Black. 

A loud bang came from the kitchen, followed by a roar of laughter.

"I'll call you when lunch is ready," Mrs. Chambers said, glancing toward the kitchen anxiously, "I only hope there would be a kitchen left afterwards."

Finally lunch was served, and Lily had to admit that it was particularly good, even if it wasn't Madeline's cooking. The atmosphere around the table was cheerful and especially pleasant: The Marauders joked around, Black teased Maxwell, who stood his own with surprising wit, and Mrs. Chambers shared with them stories from her school days. She was certain she would change her mind very quickly, but Lily was glad Potter had reunited with his friends.


	4. Chapter 4

The day after the arrival of the Marauders with a silence like after a storm. Lily ate alone with the other workers because the boys, who stayed up late and made noise the night before, didn't wake up for breakfast. When she went to check if she could come in to clean the rooms she discovered that the four slept together in Potter's room, and the guest rooms didn't need cleaning at all, just a light arrangement of the carpets and beds.

So Lily managed to spend the day being as little time as possible around the Marauders. While she was busy with her errands they spent the day outside, and after dinner they shut themselves up in Potter's room again.

After nightfall Lily curled up in front of the fireplace in the sitting room with a book, while Madeleine, who never went to Hogwarts, practiced spells with a Charms book Lily lent her, and Mrs. Chambers quietly knitted a scarf for her granddaughter.

It was late when Lily started to yawn. Outside rain fell in serenity, making her feel sleepy. She was just about to wish the other women a good night when the front door slammed hard on the lower floor, startling the three. The sound of Maxwell's heavy boots was heard on the stairs, and after a moment he burst into the sitting room, dragging another man from his coat. Lily was shocked to see him, jumping to her feet at the sight of his pale face.

"Severus?" She said, not believing her eyes. He looked at her from behind the wet strands of dark hair that fell on his face. His black eyes burned under his thick black brows, proud and wild at the same time – so typical of her childhood friend.

"I found this fella hanging around outside the gate, looking for a way around the defenses," Maxwell muttered, shaking Severus from the collar of his coat with extraordinary force for his older age.

"Miss Evans, do you know this boy?" Mrs. Chambers asked in confusion.

"Yes, he – " Lily didn't know how to define her relationship with Severus these days. "We go to school together. Severus, what are you doing here?"

Severus made an effort to shake off the gardener's grip, but he didn't let go. "I'm looking for you," he replied when he realized that he wouldn't be able to break free, staring at Maxwell with hatred. "Your sister sent me."

"Petunia?" Lily's stomach turned with a painful stab. "Is it my father? Has something happened to him?"

"No, no," Severus replied in a much gentler voice, now looking only at Lily. "It's alright, it's something else."

Slightly calmer, Lily turned to Maxwell, "He doesn't mean harm. Just let me talk to him, please?"

For a moment she expected him to refuse, but at last he mumbled something and released Severus, who straightened his worn coat with hurt pride. Lily quickly cast a drying spell on him and took his thin arm, seated him in a nearby sofa and sat down next to him expectantly. Mrs. Chambers said something about "informing the Master", but Lily wasn't listening. Petunia hated Severus very much; The news must have been very important if she had asked him to deliver Lily a message.

"Don't worry, it's not bad news," Severus reassured her. He had always had the extraordinary talent to read her expressions with accuracy, an ability he shared only with her late mother. "She's getting married. She asked me to give you the invitation."

From the pocket of his coat he took out an envelope that remained dry despite the rain. Lily felt immediate relief that these weren't bad news, but the feeling immediately changed into confusion and uncertainty. When did Petunia meet someone? When had she decided to get married? And what would happen to their father when she married? Would he live with her and her husband?

She opened the envelope almost roughly, revealing an invitation covered in utter distaste with golden and silver ornaments. Impressive letters proclaimed: _'You have been invited to the wedding of Mr. Vernon Dursley and Miss Petunia Evans'_.

Lily had never heard the name of the man her sister was about to marry. A sense of worry began to rise in her. Why is Petunia doing this? Does she lobe this Dursley? How long does she know him? She was about to question Severus about the faceless groom when Potter burst validly into the sitting room, accompanied by Madeline.

Severus got to his feet with a leaping, tense like a threatened cat. "What is he doing here?" He demanded in an icy voice.

"I live here," Potter replied in the same tone, a dangerous expression on his face. He looked at Lily, who was also on her feet. "What's he doing here, Evans?"

"He just passed me a letter from my sister," she replied defensively, holding the wedding invitation in front of her chest. "She's a Muggle, she can't find me here."

Severus looked at her, betrayed. "You're with him now? you said you hated him!"

The shame struck Lily like a blow to the face. She didn't know what was worse, the fact that he implied she was in a relationship with Potter or that he had declared, in front of all of Potter's house- workers, that she hated him. Burning tears filled her eyes. Painfully, she remembered why she had stopped being Severus' friend.

She wanted to shout at him, but instead she said in a cold, measured voice, "I work for him. Don't you dare judge me, Severus, you know how much I need the money."

"It's time to go, Snivellus," Potter said behind him.

There was a clear twitch in Severus's face at the mention of the insulting nickname. His voice trembled with rage as he spoke, "Speak politely, Potter, you wouldn't want me to start talking..."

Potter smiled a frighteningly calm smile. Lily expected him to curse Severus as he used to do at school, but to her surprise he only folded his arms confidently. "Maxwell, if you could show Snape the door, please."

Maxwell tried to grab Severus's coat again, but he slipped away and cursed the gardener. Maxwell blocked the curse with surprising skill.

"Severus, just go," Lily interjected in a desperate voice, seeing that things were going to get out of control.

Severus turned his wrath at her. "How can you serve him?!" He cried. "You know what he is!"

His words cut Lily's stomach from within. She knew how much suffering Potter had caused him, a suffering she, as his friend, couldn't restrain. But many things have changed since their first year at Hogwarts. She couldn't ignore Severus' sins anymore.

She looked down, unable to see her former friend's betrayed gaze, a friend with whom she had spent years of teasing and loneliness. "I need the money," She repeated her previous words like a mantra.

 Severus called he a repulsive name. Mrs. Chambers made an appalled sound. Before Lily could even react Potter grabed him violently and pushed him against the wall. Severus' thin body tumbled to the floor. Lily retreated with a leap, as if the pain of the injury had shaken her own bones. A combination of fear and disgust filled her mouth with a bitter taste. Potter violently lifted and dragged him out of the sitting room in thunderous silence.

Lily didn't wait for the others' reaction, or see their pitiful looks. Clutching the invitation she ran to her room without a word. Only after she slammed the door behind her, knowing she was alone in her moonlit room, she allowed herself to cry.

She cried for the humiliation that Severus had caused her, their lost friendship, that her sister was getting married and had never even mentioned her future husband to her. She cried because they barely spoke anymore, because they were no longer friends. And most of all, because she came so realize that the two boys she had decided to forgive hadn't changed at all. Severus was still bitter and hateful, Potter was still a cruel bully.

She has always been taught to turn the other cheek, but what was she supposed to do when hurt the second time? Her parents never taught her what to do then.

A wave of loneliness shattered her heart and drowned it. The pain was almost physical. She loved solitude, even as a child; but no one had told her that as she would grow up the loneliness would hurt her more and more, until she would feel that her heart was about to disintegrate under the cracks that the disappointments and infidelities plowed through it. Petunia, who had turned her back on her after their mother had passed away and Lily had been invited to study at Hogwarts. Severus, so desperate to impress the other Slytherins that he was willing to spit in her face, his only friend.

The wedding invitation was already soaked with tears when a knock on the door startled her.

"Evans?" Potter's voice was heard from the other side. "You alright?"

Lily didn't answer, just pulled herself to the bed and lay down in her clothes.

"Don't listen to that greasy git," Potter went on, not knowing he was only making things worse. "I threw him out, he won't come back." When Lily still didn't make a sound, he asked, "Can I come in?"

She did not respond, and he didn't try to come in.

"Look ..." He went on after a few moments. "I know I was horrible at school. I was cruel to Snape, and to you, too, because you were his friend. I think I did it to get your attention. It bothered me that you didn't think I was anything special like the other girls. Snape paid the price, it's true, but you know he did some terrible things, too... He... Well, it doesn't matter now. I just want you to know I'm sorry for everything. I don't think I ever told you that. So I'm sorry."

Lily's tears dried up, and now she allowed Potter's muted voice to keep the thoughts from her exhausted mind until she fell asleep.

"And if you need anything at all, I want you to know you can come to me," he went on talking. "Even for money. I don't mind, my parents left me more than enough. I don't want you to live here just because you need the money, so if you want to go home I'll give you all your pay until the end of the summer and you could leave. I just want you to be happy... "

Lily was already asleep. In her slumber she heard him say, "I'll stop bothering you now. Sleep well. Tomorrow's a new day."


	5. Chapter 5

Lily woke up with a ringing between her ears and the sound of rain outside her bedroom window. The sky was cloudy and the whole world was set in a twilight atmosphere. She lay dazed in her bed, covered in a blanket, although she couldn't remember covering herself up before she passed out. The events of the night before were still bright in her mind, as if the memories were just waiting for her to wake up to come bother her again.

She lay in bed for a long time, convinced it was too early to get up. But when she finally looked at the clock she realized she was late for breakfast. She got ready quickly, rinsed her face thoroughly to erase any shred of redness and tears, and hurried to the dining room.

Everyone were still sitted when she came in and apologized for being late. Mrs. Chambers didn't scold her for not getting up in time, and in an uncharacteristic gesture filled her plate with food. Potter and his friends were also there, strangely silent, as if the rain clouds had choked them. Remus, who looked particularly sick, smiled encouragingly at her from across the table. She tried to tell herself that it was a friendly gesture and that she shouldn't be offended that everyone at the table knew what had happened last night, and yet no one uttered a word.

She spent all day scrubbing the wood floors all over the house, even though Mrs. Chambers hadn't asked her to. She pushed aside couches and tables on her own until the edges of her hair stuck to her skin with sweat, chased away demented doxys who had managed to find shelter in the old tapestries, and shaken the inhabitants of the tranquil oil paintings to clean dust and cobwebs from their frames. She didn't even notice it was midday until Madeline came to ask her gently to take a break and join everyone in the dining room. Lily claimed she wasn't hungry and went on working; She didn't want everyone to see her when she couldn't control her feelings.

At dinner time Mrs. Chambers came herself to the attic, which Lily had thoroughly cleaned for hours in the dying light, and demanded that she should eat. By then Lily was so exhausted from work and thoughts that she hadn't argued. To her relief only she, Madeline, and Mrs. Chambers were having dinner in the dinning room that evening; Maxwell decided to give up supper and spend the rainy evening in his cabin, and the boys preferred to eat sandwiches upstairs rather than go down to the dining room. The house, which was cleaner than it had ever been since the Potter's days of glory, was now dark and quiet.

After dinner Lily went straight to her room. She expected to fall asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow, but the painful thoughts still didn't let go of her. Outside the rain had stopped, just as the steady dripping sound might have helped her fall asleep.

She tried to read by the light of the bedside lamp, until she realized she was reading the same page over and over, without really understanding anything. Finally she gave up and slammed the covers, turning to stare at the ceiling. Even the blank white plasterer couldn't block the memory of Severus's sullen expression the night before. The sound of his voice as he cursed her continued to shudder her bones and mind. Did the Marauders, who were probably sitting together and laughing in Potter's room right now, know that friendship could turn into something so ugly?

Finally she got out of bed and put on her shoes. She didn't know what time it was, but she just couldn't lie still anymore. Work and study were the tools with which she usually distracted herself from issues that troubled her, but since these didn't seem to help anymore, she longed to leave the house and let the cold air comfort her.

She put on a coat over her nightgown, wore a hat against the wind and left the sleepy house through the kitchen door, right into the freshness of the post- rain summer night.

She lit the end of her wand and walked down the black path. The world around the estate seemed very different at night; The vast sky was dotted with dozens of thousands of bright stars winking through the clouds, and under them the marshes and the woods looked as if they stretched on forever like endless blankets in shades of black and grey. The song of night birds and crickets filled this mysterious world, and in the background it seemed to Lily that she could even hear the whisper of the ocean on the wind. The secret world that was suddenly reveled before her lit her imagination in a thousand colors. She felt like a child walking in it, as if she were the first person to set foot in an undiscovered land.

She pushed the wet wooden gate and walked out of the grounds. Feeling suddenly hopeful she turned her back on the house, which watched the night with a single bright eye, and began to walk the other way on the road that led opposite of town, in a direction she had never gone. The path stretched to the side of the woods, turning left as the trees retreated and led the walker on the edge of a narrow valley where a silver stream ran, and on the other side huge ancient oak trees swayed in the salty wind. The full moon appeared and disappeared behind the clouds.

Lily followed the path, which she realized would eventually lead to the ocean. She walked slowly, until she got tired and felt calmer. She thought about turning around, but a black, swaying shape along the path intrigued her.

She went on walking, and the dark rays of the moon revealed the shape of an ancient building. Fascinated, she approached it lightly. A cracked wall appeared from the trees, about three meters high. She raised her wand to shed light on the stones as she walked along it, running her fingers over the coarse bricks that weed grew between them. Soon she reached a wide gap in the wall. She picked up the hem of her nightdress and walked over a pile of broken stones to what had once been a fort's courtyard, to which the forest had invaded.

It seemed that the outer wall was the most preserved part of the entire building; The fortress itself was no more than broken walls and exposed stone pillars which cast vivid shadows in the moonlight. Lily's footsteps echoed across the courtyard's cracked cobblestones, evoking visions of the people who once lived there, and of what had happened to them.

She came up to a ruined staircase and raised her wand again, this time to see the statues that stood on either side of the remains of a rotting wooden door; These were Gothic images of a man and a woman, who were staring out into the night with stony eyes. From the parts of their clothing that had survived, Lily guessed they were a wizard and a witch.

Between the faithful guards, above the door, was the crest of an ancient house, now cracked crumbling. Lily climbed carefully on the ruins of the stairs to see the sergeant; The moon appeared just in time and illuminated the shape of a stag surrounded by water lilies, and a sword and a wand crossed over its antlers.

Lily tried to engrave the sergeant in her memory. It was so impressive, and at the same time gentle. Not only a symbol of power, but also a work of art. The beast seemed so lonely, surrounded by lilies that enveloped him but couldn't touch him.

A low growl drew Lily from the depths of her imagination. Startled, she turned the light in the direction of the sound. For a moment she thought she had imagined in – she could see nothing among the bushes and trees. But then the growl was heard again and a pair of glowing eyes appeared in the dark.

Lily let out a cry of panic and tried to back away, only to stumble over the broken step and drop her wand. She was half way up in an attempt to run when the creature exposed itself, slipping from darkness into the moonlight with the easiness of a predator. Lily froze completely. At first she thought it was a wolf, but from her place on the ground she realized it was something much worse. The particularly large front body, the arched hairy back, the sinisterly intelligent look in the monster's eyes... She'd studied about it in Defense Against the Dark Arts. It was a werewolf.

Her whole body trembled. She struggled to lie still in a desperate attempt to make it lose interest. But as it continued to approach her in a measured step, it's hungry eyes fixed on her flesh, her sweating hand began to yearn for her wand, which was thrown out of her grasp. In desperate fear she began to crawl backward. It was a mistake. The werewolf growled and approached faster, preparing to leap –

Lily raised her arms in terror as the sound of hoofs rang in her ear. She opened her eyes, wide with fear and confusion. In the moonlight a silvery- white stag stood between her and the hungry beast. The monster roared furiously at the intruder. Lily crawled back in horror. She had expected the stag, who must have stumbled there by accident, to escape immediately – she planned to grab her wand and try to escape while the werewolf was distracted.

But it didn't run away. Without making a sound it stood up on it's hind legs, like the stag in the crest, looming over the werewolf threateningly. The werewolf retreated one step and snarled with menace. The stag stamped his hoof and shook his enormous antlers in reply. For some reason the predator's bare teeth didn't frighten it. It stepped forward with a light but sure step, shaking it's noble head as if to case the werewolf away. The werewolf ducked it's tail between it's legs and ran into the tree line.

Lily grabbed her wand and stood up, though her legs were trembling violently. Her whole body was shaking. She was almost attacked by a werewolf, God only knows what would have happened to her if that stag hadn't appeared out of nowhere...

The creature turned and looked at her, as if aware of what was happening. She expected him to run away, but he remained where he was, not even retreating, even as Lily walked up to it in a measured step. She reached out her trembling hand and touched it's muzzle. The stag gave a grunt of satisfaction. She almost laughed, stroking it's short fur with increasing confidence.

A stag, just like in the crest. How strange. It didn't behave like a stag, either, but much more like a human. It's eyes were hazel brown, full of insight.

The werewolf howled from the depths of the woods. The stag made a swinging motion with his head, as if trying to tell her something, and galloped into the darkness.

 *

 

The following morning Lily was convinced she had been saved by an angel. She grew up on such stories, about celestial beings who could obtain any form to carry out the will of God, to protect and help the people he favored... But it was a long time since she was naive enough to believe that they truly existed.

She awoke after her brief sleep as though she had been reborn. Severus' painful visit seemed distant and meaningless. She could have been killed that night if it hadn't been for the white stag.

She tried to remember what she had learned in Care of Magical Creatures class. She knew that there were cats and birds trained by wizards to be especially intelligent, but she had never heard of stag who wouldn't flee as soon as it could smell a wolf. It only strengthened her belief that it wasn't an ordinary animal, but someone sent to protect her. It gave her a sense of meaning she hadn't felt in a long time.

In stark contrast to the morning before, she arrived at breakfast in a good mood and greeted everyone good morning. Even the ever energetic Mrs. Chambers seemed pale and tired compered to Lily.

They were already eating when Potter and Black came into the dining room. They said Pettigrew and Remus were tired after the four of them stayed up all night, and Black, his hair tousled and his eyes uncharacteristically sunken, seemed willing to do everything to join them in Dreamland.

Potter, on the other hand, was pale and withdrawn but quite alert. When he greeted all his staff Lily looked up to reply politely and their eyes crossed. She didn't look away at once, as she usually did; In the bright morning light his brown eyes looked almost green. She had never noticed that there was green in his eyes before. She felt a strange sense of closeness, as though she had dreamed of Potter at night but couldn't remember the dream. Was that the meaning of the strange sensation that passed through her like a ghost?

The house was so clean after Lily's scrubbing the day before that Mrs. Chambers gave her the morning off. She decided to spend it in the library in search of information on magical stags. She wandered around the shelves in a drift, humming a hymn that her mother used to sing.

Black went back to sleep right after breakfast, but Potter didn't join him; He settled in his favorite place on the big couch in front of the fireplace in the library with a history book. Lily stacked in her arms with all the books she could find about magical creatures and settled in a nearby armchair. Potter peered over the edge of his book as she placed the heavy pile on a round side table, taking the first book diligently. She looked at him just before she opened it. He went back to the book, but his eyes didn't move from side to side.

After a few minutes of browsing through a book about mythical creatures Lily looked up again, feeling he was looking at her. He avoided her gaze and turned back to his book about _"The Darkest and Most Dangerous Wizards of All Time"._

"Can I ask you a question?" She broke the silence.

"Sure," he answered almost too quickly, not raising his eyes from the book.

"I took a walk outside the grounds last night and found some ruins," she said. "It looked like a fortress of some kind. You know who used to live there?"

"It belonged to an ancient wizarding family, the Peverells," Potter told her, still not raising his gaze. "Their line has been cut off a long time ago. The Potters are their closest descendants alive today. That means me."

With these word he looked up and stared at Lily with uncharacteristic seriousness. Again his eyes reminded her a forgotten dream, and it bothered her. "You shouldn't leave the estate at night, this area could be dangerous."

"It's not," Lily said.

"It's not what?"

"It's not dangerous," she said, putting the book aside resolutely. "It's not supposed to be, at least. I did research about this area before I started working here at the Hogwarts Library. These marshes and woods aren't supposed to have anything scarier than Bowtruckles. But last night I ran into a werewolf."

Potter made a strange face, a combination of surprise and confusion that seemed a bit too theatrical. Lily was beginning to get the sense that he was hiding something.

"Are you alright?" He asked, setting the book aside as if to get up and approach her. He seemed to regret it a second later, staying on the edge of his seat. "What happened?"

"I'm fine," Lily replied, "A white stag appeared out of nowhere and scared it away."

Potter's eyebrows rose to his forehead. "That's odd."

"It is." Lily watched his movements with growing suspicion. "Like in the crest above the entrance to the fortress."

"Yes," Potter said, looking full of strange relief at the change the subject.

"So what's the Potter family's crest?" Lily inquired calmly.

"A stag's head," Potter replied, adjusting his tone to hers. He rubbed his neck and stood up. "I'd better go wake up the others..."

"Can I ask you something else?" She stopped him before he could leave the library.

"Always," he replied with his characteristic smile, which wasn't entirely calm now.

"What did Severus mean when he said you wouldn't want him to 'start talking'?"

This time Potter was surprised and couldn't hide his embarrassment. He ran his hand through his hair and ruffled it. It was a typical gesture for him at school. At that moment Lily realized that it wasn't a vain gesture – It was something he did when he felt embarrassed or insecure.

He put his hands in his pockets and examined a loose thread in the carpet with the end of his shoe. Lily didn't press him, and yet she didn't look away from him as she waited for an answer.

"I didn't think you'd remember that after what happened," he admitted after a few moments.

"I have a strong memory," Lily replied briefly.

Potter looked as if he thought his life would have been much easier if that hadn't been the case.

Finally, he said with extraordinary sincerity, "Snape discovered something about me last year. A secret. he takes every opportunity to threaten that he'll expose me."

"What did you do?" Lily asked suspiciously.

"Nothing!" Potter said with the same sincerity that she didn't know he was capable of, looking at her imploringly. "It's not even my secret, I'm protecting it for someone else. If Snape decides to tell he can ruin this person's life."

Lily leaned back in the armchair, wondering whether she should believe him. If he had told her something a year and a few months ago she would have said it was impossible, because Severus would never hurt anyone else to get revenge on Potter. But today she wasn't so sure.

She suddenly remembered the words he said to her the night before, through the door of her bedroom door, moments before she fell asleep. She remembered his apology. He had never apologized to her for anything he had done before. Maybe he really had changed?

She preferred not to believe it, though. She was sick of turning the other cheek and getting hurt again and again. She thought Severus had changed, but he only used that to hurt her more. And the truth was that Severus and Potter weren't so different at all.

"So what prevents him from revealing the secret to everyone?" She inquired after a few moment's thought. "Why hasn't he done it so far? He has a hundred reasons to want to get back at you."

"Because I saved his life," Potter replied simply. No smiles, no masks, no strings attached. Just the truth. Lily nodded understandingly, releasing him from the interrogation. Potter gave a little smile and left.

His story made sense. She knew that in wizard's society a debt created when a wizard saved another wizard's life, a debt of blood, was a serious matter. And Severus, who only ever wanted to be a great wizard and forget his Muggle roots, couldn't ignore it.

Now she had more questions than answers. She decided to take a walk around the marshes to think, abandoning the pile of books and leaving the library. On the stairs leading to the hall she nearly knocked down Pettigrew, who was running up the stairs with a plate of chocolate cookies in one hand and a bundle of bandages in the other. He apologized in a stutter and walked around her, looking very nervous as he walked quickly towards the main chambers. All the dots began to connect to Lily's mind, but she didn't want to believe the picture she was seeing.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Dreams about monsters and angels haunted Lily's sleep the following nights. She found herself wandering uneasily through the corridors of Hogwarts or her parents' house, her father and mother walking in and out of her visions. In the end she would always return to the courtyard under the full- moon's light, where the terrible werewolf would change shape into someone she knew; Severus, Petunia, Potter, Remus, or even herself.

In her waking hours she barely dared to contemplate the thought that lurked in the back of her head, the one that was with no doubt responsible for the strange dreams. She was angry at herself for daring to think something like that about a boy she considered to be her friend. So she spent all her free time researching the library about lycanthropy and werewolf laws, trying to figure out if one of Hogwarts's most beloved students might be one.

Remus Lupin has always been a mysterious boy. Lily attributed it the the fact that he was modest and a bit shy; She never thought there was anything darker behind it. When he told her that he had a rare magical disease she had respected and appreciated his honesty, and decided not to intrude on his privacy. Had he lied to her, taking advantage of her sympathy to hide his secret?

The morning after Lily's conversation with Potter in the library Remus didn't come down to breakfast with his friends. Potter told her he had to go home because of a family emergency. Lily did not believe him for a second, and was insulted that Remus had left in the dead of night without even saying goodbye. More than anything, she was angry that it made him look even more suspicious; The fact was she hadn't seen him at all since before the night she was attacked by the werewolf.

But soon she realized she had no right to blame him. The more she read about the laws in which werewolves were sentenced to exile or imprisonment in Azkaban for doing nothing at all, as she leafed through more and more horrific illustrations of the werewolf transformation and of his animalistic behavior during the full moon, the fear was replaced by pity.

Was this the secret Potter was keeping? Was he trying to protect his friend, who was turning into a dangerous beast every full moon? Was this why Remus had been missing so much classes, why he didn't befriend any other students besides his three friends? Was he afraid that his secret would be revealed and he would be outcast, marked as a monster and a hunted?

A sickening vision occurred to her as she leaned over an illustration of a man tearing off his own skin in suffering; She saw herself lying in a pool of blood in the stone courtyard at sunrise, and Remus kneeling over her, trying to catch her last breaths between his hands...

Her eyes blurred with tears. She slammed the book shut and wiped them off. Then a sudden feeling that she wasn't alone made her look over her shoulder – but she was completely alone in the library.

 

A few days after Remus left an owl arrived in the kitchen window while Lily was cleaning up after lunch. She untied the letter from it's leg and gave it water and food at the window. The letter was addressed to Mr. James Potter. Lily was supposed to give Potter the letter immediately, but she couldn't ignore an uncharacteristic urge to know who the letter was from. The official addressing indicated that the letter wasn't from Remus, but Lily still had an urge to learn as much as she could. She looked around the kitchen with the intention of secretly opening the letter and was startled when she saw Black watching her from the doorway.

"Good thing you checked," he said with a small smile. "It could've been embarrassing."

Lily felt herself blush with shame and pretended to arrange the jars on the shelf, hoping he wouldn't notice her reaction. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're a bad liar," he said. Crossing the room with a light stride, he snatched the letter from Lily's hand. "Well, you're not a Mr, and you're definitely not James Potter."

She crossed her arms in defiance. "What if the letter was for me?"

"If it was for you, you wouldn't have looked so suspicious before you tried to open it," Black replied. McGonagall used to tell him that if he hadn't been so busy making trouble, he could have been intelligent. He snatched a green apple from a nearby bowl and bit into it with a satisfied look before leaving the kitchen.

Lily soon discovered who the letter was from, even without reading it. She hadn't even finished cleaning the kitchen when Mrs. Chambers came in like a storm wind and ordered her to fill a kettle and slice a pie from the stock in the pantry, because Albus Dumbledore was coming for tea.

Like most of the students at school, Lily loved and admired Dumbledore. He was a reassuring and paternal figure from the very first moment she had entered the Great Hall and saw him in the middle of the staff table, examining each student with appreciation above his glasses. As an outstanding student and a Perfect, Lily had a chance to spend time alone with him, and she was always amazed by his understanding, compassion, and sense of humor. So when she heard the doorbell ring she hurried to finish preparing the tea tray for Mrs. Chambers and ran into the hall.

Mrs. Chambers had just taken the Headmaster's rain- spotted robe. The wizard was dressed, as always, in a rich traditional wizard's robe that highlighted his striking appearance. Lily couldn't stop smiling at the sight of his lean old face that was surrounded by a halo of courage and youth.

"It's a pleasure to see you, Emilia, as always," Dumbledore said to Mrs. Chambers in a gentlemanly manner in which he treated all the women who were no longer his students.

"You too, Albus," Mrs. Chambers said with a smile, glad to see the Headmaster. "Mr. Potter is waiting for you in the study, if you'll follow me."

"Of course," he replied. Then he noticed Lily, who stood shyly in the dinning room doorway. He smiled at her kindly and didn't seem particularly surprised when he asked, "Miss Evans, what are you doing here?"

"I'm helping Mrs. Chambers during the summer," Lily replied. "Nice to see you, Professor."

"You too, Miss Evans. How is your father?"

"Well," Lily replied hopefully, radiating the confidence that the Headmaster had instilled in her without even doing anything special.

Dumbledore smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. Now if you'll excuse me, Mr. Potter is waiting for me."

"Sir, wait," she called after him as he climbed the stairs beside Mrs. Chambers. He turned patiently to her. "Can I ask you a question about school?"

Dumbledore motioned her with nod.

"Would you accept to school a student that was a werewolf?"

"It depends on the student, I think," Dumbledore replied patiently. "Many werewolf are unjustly persecuted. However, there are also many who adopt the animalistic nature that society sets upon them. Why do you ask?"

Lily hadn't planned the conversation to that point. "I'm writing an essay," she exclaimed. "The place of werewolves and vampires in the wizarding community."

_Who's a bad liar now, Black?_

"Good work," Dumbledore praised her. The spark in his eyes suggested that he could see through the lie, but he said nothing.

Lily watched him go up the stairs with relief. The fact that he didn't reject the possibility out- right and the knowing spark in his eyes made it clear that it wasn't impossible that one of the students at Hogwarts was a werewolf. And if there was a Headmaster who would take in a student like that, knowing that he wasn't just a werewolf but also a talented wizard, it was Dumbledore.

The two disappeared up the stairs. Lily wondered, not for the first time that day, what horrible thing Potter had done that the Headmaster himself had to come to his house during the summer.

Driven by curiosity, she remembered finding a suspicious peaking hole that looked into the study as she cleaned the attic thoroughly. That day she was troubled by Severus' words and didn't bother to investigate the completely ordinary yet forbidden room, but now she was glad she had found it.

She went up the stairs quietly to avoid Mrs. Chambers' sharp hearing and turned to the narrow side steps in the side of the house that led to the attic. She opened the creaking ceiling door, proud of herself for her cunning – She didn't expect to find Black and Pettigrew lying on the floor near the peaking hole with and looking at her like they were caught in the act.

They looked at each other for a few moments, each wrestling with what to say or do. Lily was on the verge of fleeing. To Mrs. Chambers Black's status was almost like Potter's; If he decided to tell her Lily was spying after the Master she might get into serious trouble.

However, Black surprised her when he finally said in a quiet voice, like he was in a Muggle cinema – "We won't tell if you won't."

Lily accepted the offer without hesitation. She closed the door behind her cautiously and joined Black and Pettigrew silently. She felt she was doing something forbidden as she lay flat on the rough floor beside Black; She had never thought she would be collaborating with the Marauders. But soon she was so busy trying to decipher the words spoken in the room below that she almost forgot about the other two spectators.

The peaking hole was located in the top corner of the study, giving a wide view to the mysterious space that no one was allowed to enter except Potter and Mrs. Chambers. Its walls were covered with bookcases and glass displays that displayed charming and valuable items, except for the wide French window that overlooked a private garden. Against the background of the garden stood a magnificent wooden chair with the Potters' handsome and noble stag carved at it's head, it's antlers shaped to look like a crown on the head of whoever set in it.

The chair was empty, however. Potter and Dumbledore preferred to sit in the twin mahogany chairs at the other side of the desk. Dumbledore sat upright, his fingers folded coldly on his thin knees. Potter, on the other hand, folded his hands and legs in a defensive manner, his gaze fixed on the Headmaster as if he was preparing to defend himself from an attack.

Lily tried to listen to what was being said. Dumbledore seemed to be trying to get Potter to tell him how he was doing, but Potter didn't seem interested to talk about it.

"Why are you really here, Professor?" He finally asked. "I know it's not to check on me."

"You are right," Dumbledore said calmly. "I wish I had the time to visit every student who was experiencing difficulties, but unfortunately that's not why I'm here. Mr. Potter, I have come to warn you. You are stirring into dangerous waters."

Mrs. Chambers chose that moment to come in with a tea tray. There was a heavy silence as she poured the tea. Black began tapping his fingertips impatiently on the floor and Lily had to grip them so the noise wouldn't betray their location.

"Sorry," he whispered, distracted, "Say something already, you git!"

Mrs. Chambers left.

"How do you know that?" Potter said coldly as soon as the door closed. "Are you spying on me, or something like that?"

"No," Dumbledore replied, putting his cup aside after a few short sips. "However, I have received reports that your gardener had been seen in suspicious places. Unless he is a dark wizard, and I doubt that in light of his strong loyalty to your late father, it appears you have sent him to gather information about Voldemort's supporters."

Pettigrew choked at the name. Black silenced him, looking equally agitated, but not for the same reason. Potter, on the other hand, seemed entirely calm on the surface, though his arms were still tight against his chest.

"You got me," he said, as if he had pulled a harmless prank at school. His face was almost expressionless, his voice dead. Lily had never seen him so serious. "But collecting information about dark wizards isn't against the school's rules, so why are you here?"

"I'm not here to punish you, James," Dumbledore said softly. "I want to help you, and more importantly, warn you. Voldemort's powers run deeper than you know, and his supporters are much more dangerous than you think."

"I don't care about his supporters," Potter said with mounting anger. "I'm going to find out his weak spot, and then I'm going to kill him."

Lily shivered, her skin turning into goose-bums, as if Potter's cold voice was a frozen wind that blew through the attic. Black's eyes were blown wide by the light from the peaking hole.

"I understand that this is not something you want to hear," Dumbledore continued with infinite patience, unphased by Potter's words. "But revenge is not the solution. It will not give you back your parents."

Potter jumped to his feet as if he were ready to lunch at the Headmaster. "What am I supposed to do then, sit idly by and let him go on murdering people?!"

"No," Dumbledore said in a quiet, grave voice that didn't fall from Potter's raised voice. "But you can not help anyone if you fall on your sword."

"Fall on my sword?" Potter repeated the words furiously. "I can beat him in a fair duel! He's only a wizard, he's not a god! people are afraid because they don't know who he is and where he came from, they believe the rumors that his supporters are spreading – "

Dumbledore stood up, facing Potter. And though he was thinner then Potter and frail, at that moment he seemed powerful, as if he were glowing brightly.

"His real name is Tom Riddle," he cut through Potter's words uncompromisingly. "He studied at Hogwarts, in Slytherin House. I was his teacher."

The confession extinguished Potter's flame. He looked at Dumbledore as though he was trying to figure out if he was telling the truth.

"What happened to him?" He finally asked, his voice cracking like cool coals. "Why is he doing all this?"

"Tyrants are born out of humiliation and pain," Dumbledore replied, sitting down in his chair with a sigh, as if the outburst demanded too much of his strength. "Riddle, who was an orphan, believed that he had found a home in Hogwarts. He was sorted into Slytherin, where many of the students come from pure- blood families. Riddle, who's mother was a pure- blood but his father a Muggle, felt a need to use his talents to empower himself and compensate for his origins, which he considered shameful. His supporters are similar to him: they feel they have been deprived of their natural status by the Muggle, who usurped their wealth and power. They do not wish to live in the shadows anymore, while Muggle- borns can live in both worlds without fear.

"Their greatest enemies are wizards and witches like your parents – respected and influential wizards who have tried to lead the world to a better place, and refused to surrender to Voldemort terror. That was the reason they were killed, and that's why you should not throw your life away, James. The Potter family is a symbol of virtue for many wizards, and since the regrettable end of your parents, also the symbol for the struggle against the darkness. You are the last of it's line."

From the top corner Lily thought she saw tears in Potter's eyes before he looked away. She couldn't imagine what it was like. She had suspected that the Potter's death had something to do with Voldemort since the visit of the unwanted guests, but she hadn't had the courage to ask Potter what had really happened.

When Potter turned back to the Headmaster his eyes were bright but dry: "You can't expect me to sit by and do nothing."

"That's not what I'm saying," Dumbledore said. "I do not wish you to face Voldemort alone, but that does not mean you can't fight. Join my Order. I have made a rule not to allow students to join, but I am certain that everyone would agree that you are an exception to the rule."

Potter held Dumbledore's gaze for a long moment before he crossed his arms again and looked away. "I took a vow the day we buried them. I'm not about to let them down."

Lily wanted to shout at him from her place by the ceiling. Dumbledore was trying to help him and protect him at the same time, how could he refuse him so rudely?

Dumbledore stood, looking older than he had at the beginning of the conversation.

"Promise me you would consider it," he said. "Once you made a decision, write to me. Whatever your decision may be. Goodbye, Mr. Potter."

He turned to leave, hands clasped behind his back and his face serious. The study door closed softly. Potter was standing in the middle of the room, hands in he's pockets, staring into the air. Lily lifted herself off the floor angrily.

"Where are you going?" Black whispered in a hushed voice as she opened the flap door and went down the stairs, full of purpose. "Evans!"

She crossed the drawing- room swiftly, and without hesitating opened the study door at the end of the room. Potter, who had been slumped in the stiff wooden chair with the craving of the stag's head, looked up with pure surprise at her invasion.

"Write to him now," she said with a firmness that she didn't know she was capable of. The matter infuriated her for many reasons, but she didn't know how greatly until the moment she had opened her mouth. "Write to him and tell him you accept."

For a moment he looked as if he didn't understand what she was talking about. Then an angry understanding swept over his face and he looked toward the corner where the peaking hole was located, almost invisible to anyone who didn't know it was there.

Black and Pettigrew almost collided with her as they entered the study then.

"You've been spying on me?" Potter spoke in the cold, frightening tone he used the night Severus was there. He looked over to his friends. "You, too?"

"Give me a break, you would've done the same," Black replied defiantly.

"No, I wouldn't have!" Potter raised his voice, his rage breaking out. "It's not a game, Padfoot!"

"I'm not going to apologize," Black continued with a firm counterattack. "When were you going to tell us that you were planning to fight Voldemort on your own? Get over it, Wormtail!" He snapped at Pettigrew as he winched at the name.

"After he was dead," Potter replied coldly, not yielding to Black's accusations. His scowling gaze swept over Lily then. She straightened her back, not about to show him any weakness. "And what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Don't change a subject," Black intervened.

Lily ignored his attempt to leave her out of the conversation and said, "I don't regret having spied on you. Now I know who I'm working for."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Potter lashed in cold anger.

"You're nothing more than a selfish coward," Lily went on without fear. "It's easier for you to send Maxwell to risk his life, or to go yourself and just die, than to deal with your loss. I lost my mother too, I know how it feels – "

"Your mother wasn't murdered by a raving psycho," Potter cut her, standing up aggressively.

"What difference does it make?" Lily began to raise her voice. She didn't tend to do it much, but when she needed her voice it could shake walls. "They're all dead! Nothing will bring them back! You're not the only one who lost someone to Voldemort, so stop acting like it's personal! Write to Dumbledore and help him protect those who can still be saved! If you won't I'll take your place. I'm willing to fight for what matters."

Potter didn't answer this time. He turned his back to look out the window, as if the garden contained all the answers he needed.

"We already told you, Prongs," Black spoke softly. "You don't have to deal with this alone. It's not a duel to the death between you and him. It's a war. We all have to fight it."

Lily had never heard Black speak so earnestly. The way he said the words "It's a war" sent a chill through her flesh. She didn't really think a lot about what was happening in the wizarding world – conflicts happened all the time – but at that moment she realized for the first time that it wasn't just a fleeting wave of hate.

Suddenly the world outside seemed dark. She thought about Petunia and her father, imagining them having tea with Petunia's faceless groom in a peaceful evening. Then she imagined wizards in black robes breaking into the house and hurting them, like in the reports that were published in the Daily Prophet. The thought made her want to throw up.

"Get out," Potter ordered without looking at them. "I need to think."

Black looked as though he was going to say something to make things worse. Lily pulled at his arm and motioned to him to shut up. To her surprise he obeyed, giving Potter a last look before the three left the study.

"He'll come around," Black said hopefully as they were out of earshot. "Say, did you really mean what you said? About wanting to fight?"

Suddenly Lily felt much less sure of herself, remembering that she was still wearing an apron, and that a moment ago she was shouting at her employer. "Of course. Why would I say something like that for no reason?"

Black shrugged. "I just never saw you as the feisty type, is all."

"I'm not feisty," Lily replied. "But I refuse to sit on the sidelines while someone hurts and terrorizes people just because they're different. And I'm a Muggle- born, too, you know."

Black gave her a strange smile. She had never seen such an expression on his face, at least not when he was looking at a girl. Was it appreciation?

"That's good to know," he said. She was trying to remember whether they'd ever had a real conversation, but couldn't. She never thought Black was even capable of that, until that very moment.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Lily never thought it could happen, but she had to admit, even if only to herself, that Black wasn't so bad after all.

After breakfast the next day, where only Lily, Mrs. Chambers and Madeleine where present, she went up to clean the guest rooms. She expected to find them empty, since all the boys were sleeping in Potter's room; She was surprised to find Black lying on one of the beds, barefoot, reading a Muggle book.

He looked up only after she had been gazing at hum uncertainly for a few moments. "Good morning to you too," he said over the book. "Cat got your tongue?"

"No," Lily replied, shaking herself and beginning to pick up objects that were scattered on the floor. "I just didn't know you could read."

"That's a good one," he said with a half- grin, straightening up. "You don't have to pick up my dirty pants, I'll do it."

With relief, Lily moved away from the pile of clothes at the foot of the bed and turned to roll up the carpet.

"Potter didn't calm down yet?" She asked as Black threw his clothes into his school trunk and put it in a corner of the room. One of them must have been very angry if they had decided not to sleep in the same room.

"I don't know," Black said with suppressed grudge, taking the broom Lily had placed by the door and starting to sweep the floor with too much force. "He's an idiot sometimes, you know?"

"I know," Lily said, beginning to feel uncomfortable. "Can you give me back the broom?"

Black dismissed her with a wave of his hand, continuing to sweep vigorously. "He has some cheek, too. Dumbledore himself offered him to join his super- secret Order – how many students can say he asked them that? He probably really likes him, for some reason. But no, Prongs has to do everything alone, even if it gets him killed."

Lily listened to Black complaining about Potter for a few minutes, busying herself with arranging the bed and dusting the carpet. Finally she gathered her courage and asked, "I never... I mean, what happened to his parents?"

Black froze for a split second and then went on sweeping with a grimier expression. "Death Eaters broke into the house last September. They murdered them in their bed."

Lily immediately regretted asking. Every muscle in Black's body radiated immense pain, even though he was standing with his back to her. And the thought of the murdered couple in their bed, in that very house, was chilling.

"I'm sorry," she said, turning to clean the curtains. "I didn't mean to bring it up. It's just... He's just so... Vengeful..."

"I don't blame him," Black said, in contrast to his earlier complaints about Potter's behavior. "I mean, I can't stand my parents, but Mr. and Mrs. Potter always treated me like I was their own. What bothers me most is that they didn't have a chance to defend themselves. Mr. Potter would've kicked their sorry arses in a proper duel."

Lily smiled faintly. Black spoke about Potter's father admiringly, as if he were his own father.

"It's not fair," she found herself saying. "But Potter is still in school, he can't defeat a wizard like Voldemort by himself."

"Probably not," Black said with a sigh. He sounded as if he was fed up with the subject. It made Lily wonder why she cared so much about what happened to Potter.

"You clean good," she changed the subject. "I thought that pure- blood families had house- elves to do these stuff for them."

"That's true," Black said. "I didn't touch a mop until I was fifteen. Then I spent half of the summer with my cousin, Andromeda. She married a Muggle- born, so they disowned her. They don't have house- elves, obviously."

"She and Ted Tonks got married?" Lily asked. She remembered Andromeda Black, who had been a Head Girl in Ravenclaw and had graduated a few years earlier. She was the only figure of authority in Hogwarts that Black actually listened to. Ted Tonks was a Hufflepuff who tutored younger students who had trouble in class, and he always treated Lily kindly.

"Yeah," Black said, the shadows leaving his face and replaced by his bright, careless smile. "She's pregnant now. I haven't been able to convince them to call the baby Sirius yet, but I'm getting there."

Lily laughed. At that moment Potter pushed his messy head into the room. He glanced briefly at each of them and said to Black angrily, "So you're friends now?"

"What's it to you?!" Black shouted after him, but he was already gone. Black turned back to Lily with a kind smile. "See, he's a lot better now."

Lily laughed again, against her will. Soon the conversation was no longer awkward.

They finished cleaning the room and went to Pettigrew's room, who was still asleep. Black claimed he knew the best way to wake him up. While he planned how to prank his friend, who snored loudly in his bed, Lily decided she didn't want to take part in the nasty prank and went back to Black's room to take the bucket of soap water she had forgotten there. As she picked it up, she noticed that they had forgotten to clean the desk, on which were scattered several parchments.

Knowing at the back of her head that she was doing something she wasn't supposed to, Lily went to the table and began to stack the papers. She noticed, without looking deliberately, that these were letters. Most of them were from Andromeda Tonks, but there was also a short note from Remus. Stopping the pretense of cleaning, Lily made sure that Black wasn't coming back and read the note.

It was very short. Remus wrote to his friends that he was okay, and asked them to update him on "developments." That alone was enough to arouse her suspicion. Besides that the letter had no more information.

She continued to dig through the papers and found a letter that Black had begun to write but had not yet sent, in which he had told his friend about Potter's conversation with Dumbledore. As she had hoped, he wrote down Remus' home address on the back of the parchment.

*

After dinner Lily waited for Potter (who was deliberately silent throughout the meal), Black and Pettigrew to leave the dining room before she asked Mrs. Chambers to use the Floo to visit a friend for a few hours. Mrs. Chambers agreed without reservation, except that she wouldn't be too late.

She hurried to her room and changed the dress she had worn all day for a dark amber dress with tiny yellow flowers. She looked at herself in the mirror uncertainly as she combed her hair. What was it appropriate to wear for a confrontation like that?

Finally she put on a jacket and went to the kitchen through the side corridors, in the attempt not to meeting anyone. The kitchen was empty too, and only the fireplace remained burning for her trip. So far there have been no mishaps. She went to the fireplace and took a pinch of greenish powder from the dish on the mantelpiece, taking a deep breath. She had never used the Floo, only read about it's use in books.

She repeated the address several times in her head, afraid to get confused at the last minute and appear in another place altogether, and finally threw the powder into the fire and called, "The Lupin Residence, Galway Forest, Scotland!"

The green flames shot up. Lily marched into them decisively. She closed her eyes tightly as she whirled across the fireplaces of British wizard homes until she stumbled into a dark room.

She brushed aside the strands that fell on her face as she turned and looked around. Before she could figure out where she was, a figure appeared in the doorway and the light came on. A thin, fair-haired woman entered while humming, holding a basket full of knitting equipment. As soon as she saw Lily she dropped it and backed away in alarm.

Before Lily could say anything she shouted, "Lyall!" Not moving her terrified eyes from Lily.

Lily tried to explain that she didn't mean any harm. A tall man with a windswept face burst into the room with a raised wand, ready to curse her without asking questions. She raised her hand and begged him to wait. Another person appeared behind him, hugging the frightened woman and peering inside.

"Lily?" Remus called in amazement, "Dad, it's alright, I know her."

Remus' father lowered his wand, to Lily's great relief, and she felt she was breathing again. He was still studying her with great suspicion all the same.

"What are you doing here?" Remus asked, as suspicious as his father. Lily wished he wouldn't treat her that way.

"I just want to talk," she said in a measured voice, as if afraid to scare him away.

"All right," Remus said, although it was clear he wasn't quite all right with it. "Let's go to my room."

Lily tried to smile at Remus' parents as she passed them, but they only looked at her suspiciously and protectively. Lily couldn't actually blame them for their behavior.

The Lupin house was wooden and warm. Remus led her down a narrow corridor to the last room, beside which was an exit to the back porch. His room was small and full of books, but very neat. It was like Lily's room in the Potter family, modest but warm.

"I'll make tea," Remus said.

"It's fine, there's no – " Lily tried to say, but he was already out the door. She sat down on the narrow bed, feeling like a fist was gripping her heart, nervously looking around the room. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to come there. She felt like Remus was afraid of her.

A silver glow attracted her attention; It was coming from a narrow gap between the curtains that were pulled over the window. Lily looked out cautiously. The window looked out on the back porch, where Remus stood in front of a silvery silhouette of a wolf. A Patronus. Remus' lips were moving, but Lily couldn't hear what he was saying. Then the Patronus turned into a glowing ball and flew away, leaving a heavy darkness in it's wake.

Lily left the room and went to the porch. It was cold outside. Remus turned to her sharply, like a man caught in the act. He looked thin and fragile in the waning moonlight, and the scene stabbed Lily's heart.

"Was that a Corporeal Patronus?" She asked, trying to break the heavy silence. "That's impressive."

"Thank you," Remus murmured in reply.

Lily walked over and sat down on the wooden steps leading to a patch of dead leaves bordering the forest. It was very dark there, if it weren't for the moon, and the forest was full of the melancholic song of night birds. It was dark but beautiful. Remus sat next to her with a conspicuous reluctance.

Lily didn't know what to say. She hoped that when they sat side by side she would feel what she had to say, but the words didn't come. Remus looked as if he could sit in silence forever.

"We're friends, right?" She finally asked, longing to break the ice.

"Of course," he replied, a little too quickly, yet honestly.

"So you know I'll never try to hurt you," she went on.

Now he seemed less sure.

"It's true," she said, slightly offended. "I know your secret, Remus."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said immediately. He was a bad liar.

"I know you're a werewolf," she said, feeling relieved to say it aloud, even though he didn't dare look at her face. "I know your friends are keeping your secret. I know you ran away the day after you transformed because you were afraid I'd found out..."

He remained stubbornly silent. Perhaps he thought that if he won't react her words would be erased from reality.

"Remus, say something," she pleaded. She put a hand on his taut shoulder and he recoiled as if electrocuted, jumping to his feet. She got up and tried to approach him, but he backed away, as if disgusted.

"Just go," he said.

"No," Lily said indignantly, crossing her arms. "I haven't finished saying what I had to say."

"What do you have to say?" He burst out with uncharacteristic nervousness. "Tell me how I almost killed you? To tell me you've seen what a monster I am – ?"

 Lily shoved him hard. He staggered back in surprise, becoming silent.

"Don't you dare say you're a monster!" She shouted at him, her anger increasing. "And don't you dare raise your voice at me! Do you really think that's why I came? You don't know me at all?"

Now Remus looked very ashamed. "I'm sorry..."

"You should be!" Lily replied, the pain in her heart almost physical. "And to your information, I think you're one of the best wizards I've met, cursed or not."

"Thank you..." Remus muttered with growing shame.

Lily rubbed her hand over her face. It's became very hot, like whenever she got angry. In a calmer voice she added, "Do you have any doubt that I will keep your secret at all costs?"

Remus' shoulders relaxed. The corners of his mouth curved in a sad smile. "No," he said sincerely, looking into her eyes for the first time that evening. "I don't have any doubt."

"Well," Lily said emphatically, beginning to feel embarrassed for shouting. Feeling like there were many more unspoken words between them, she hugged him to replace all of them, silently and softly. Remus hugged her back tightly, almost too strongly.

"Thank you, Lily," she heard him mumble in her ear with a cracked voice. Lily pressed her arms around him, not knowing how to say that she was sorry for all that had happened to him, that she wasn't judging him on the basis of a horrible curse he couldn't control, and that she wasn't afraid.

A pair of following bangs were heard and then then the sound of dry leaves being crushed at the foot of the stairs. Potter, Black, and Pettigrew appeared in the dark, watching Lily and Remus embrace in confusion.

"Moony?" Potter said cautiously, "What's going on?..."

Remus broke away from Lily, leaving one arm around her shoulders affectionately. "It's all right," he said to his friends, still smiling gratefully at Lily. "She knows my secret."

The other three exchanged glances uncertainly.

"Relax, I'm not going to tell," Lily said. "I understand why you need to keep it a secret."

"I don't want to upset the atmosphere of reconciliation," Black said. "But you do realize he almost ate you a few nights ago?"

"I didn't expect to find a werewolf in that part of the country," Lily replied with an impulse to protect Remus and their new- found bond. "That's what made me suspicious, really. I'll be more careful next month." She clasped her arm around him. "It wasn't his fault."

"Thank you," Remus muttered shyly.

"Excellent," Black said, his smile bright in the dark. "You know what that means? You're one of us now. I've always said we need a little feminine touch in this bunch..."

"Take it easy, she's no Marauder," Potter said immediately.

"You're just scared your friends will like me more than they do you," Lily said half-jokingly.

"Is that so?" An honest smile came over Potter's face. "Challenge accepted, Evans."

The five of them settled in the straw armchairs and stools that were scattered on the porch, and Remus brought a lamp and bottles of cool Butterbeer. They sat in the warm lamp light and the Marauders told her how they discovered Remus was a werewolf in their second year, and how they kept his secret ever since.

"So in every full moon you just go out to the forbidden forest and transform there?" Lily asked. She sat on a straw chair, covered with a woolen blanket that Remus had given her against the northern summer chill.

"Dumbledore wanted to keep anyone from getting hurt," Remus explained, "So he planted the Whomping Willow. It guards a secret passage that leads to the Shrieking Shack. On the full moon I lock myself up there and transform."

"That's why everyone thinks it's haunted?" Lily asked uneasily. So the screams that were heard in Hogsmeade at nights were Remus', who couldn't contain the pain of transformation?

"Not only," Potter admitted with the spark of a mischievous prankster. "When we realized what people thought it was we used go there at night and make noises and lights, so they wouldn't suspect it only happened on the full moon."

"I can't believe it," Lily said with a laugh. "How did you sneak in there without getting caught?"

The Marauders exchanged knowing glances. Potter took a long swig from his Butterbeer.

"No need, then, don't tell me," Lily said stubbornly. "I'll find out for myself."

"If Prongs won't keep his big mouth shut it might actually happen," Black said, and Potter hit him on the shoulder with his fist. Black just laughed. "What? You let her interrogate you and that's how she found out about Moony."

"You should've seen him after," Remus said with a grin, then made an exaggerated imitation of Potter, " _She knows!_ "

Everyone laughed. Potter hid a smile behind his bottle.

"I'm surprised I didn't find out earlier," Lily said. "I mean, 'Moony'? could it be more obvious?"

"The fact if you never suspected," Potter said proudly. "Because we are the masters of deceit."

"Right," Lily teased back. "It's not that complicated. You're called Prongs because... Your family crest is a stag, am I right?"

"Believe what you need to," Potter said with a light smile. "What about Padfoot?" He gestured towards Black.

"Um... He has really soft feet?" Everyone laughed.

"And Wormtail?"

Lily looked at Pettigrew, who looked down and stammered something. "That's hard. I have no idea."

"You had it wrong three out of three," Potter said. "Sirius really has soft feet, but that's not why we call him that."

It was getting late and it was time for them to stop making noise and disturbing Remus' parents. They said goodbye to Remus with a promise to join them in Potter's house soon, and Lily hugged him again, tightly.

"M'lady – " Black held out his arm to Side- Appariate her to Potter's house. But then he looked at something over her shoulder and said suddenly, "You know what, you go with Prongs. Peter gets motion sickness and Potter is really bad at it."

Lily looked at Potter to see him rubbing his hand over his face in despair. But when he moved it aside he was smiling encouragingly and held out his arm. Knowing that Black was lying, she took Potter's arm anyway.

The Apparition wasn't so bad. They appeared almost immediately in front of the wooden gate bordering the marshes. Lily let go of Potter's arm as soon as their feet touched the ground and began walking down the dark path to the light of her wand, Potter beside her, his hands deep in his pockets.

They walked in silence for a while. Lily hoped they wouldn't have to talk at all, and began to regret not insisting on going with Black.

Finally Potter said, "I wrote to Dumbledore a few hours ago."

"Really?" Lily was surprised.

"Yeah," he said. "You and Sirius are right, I know I'll need help... It's just... I know how these things work... It'll be years before this Order will have any real power, and by then it may be too late."

"It won't be too late," Lily said confidently. "He is a tyrant, he won't win. But we can't let rage and vengeance consume us – then we won't be any better than him. No one has the right to decides who lives and who dies, only God."

Potter was silent for a moment. Finally he said, "I never thought of it that way."

Lily shrugged. For her faith was a way of life, something she had been taught since she was born. She couldn't imagine her life without it, couldn't imagine herself without it.

With that thought in mind she asked, "Do you believe in anything?"

Potter pondered the question seriously. Finally he shrugged. "I don't know, I guess I believe in friendship, and in love. I never really thought about it."

"That's not really an answer. I like the Beatles too, it's not a belief system."

Potter laughed out loud, his laughter echoing in the desolate marshes, shaking them alive.

"Honestly, Evans, if I knew you had such a sense of humor I wouldn't have bothered you so much when they made you a Prefect."

"You would've done it anyway. You were a git."

"That may be true, but you have to admit that you wanted to catch us in the act."

"I won't lie, I wanted to impress McGonagall and that was the easiest way to do it. You guys were always up to something."

They kept talking about their past school years until they walked through the back door and into the kitchen, where the fireplace was still burning. Lily put it out, as she had promised Mrs. Chambers she would, and Potter stood by, watching her. She became aware of the fact that they were alone in the room, at night, and that the rest of the people in the house were asleep. She began to wonder where Black and Pettigrew were.

The way from the kitchen to the workers' rooms and to Potter's room was the same, and Lily had no choice but to climb the dark stairs next to Potter. When they reached the stairway leading to the workers' rooms, she realized he was planing to walk her her room. They walked in total silence.

When they reached the door of her room Potter spoke in a whisper, "Thank you for keeping Remus' secret."

"Of course," Lily said uncomfortably, praying that Mrs. Chambers would come out of her room and demand to know who was talking there in the middle of the night. "I know that people who don't know him won't understand."

Potter nodded. Lily wanted him to go, but he leaned against the door frame of her door, running his hand through his hair.

"So Mrs. Chambers tells me your sister is getting married next week," he said. If she wouldn't have known him she would have thought he was embarrassed.

Lily nodded uncomfortably.

"You know... If you need a date... You know, someone to come with you... I can come with you," he said, trying unsuccessfully to look calm and uninterested.

Lily stared at him. Did he just ask her out?

Apparently Potter realized that she was uncomfortable because he straightened up and said immediately, "You know what, forget I asked. Good night."

He disappeared up the stairs before she could respond. Relieved, she went into her room and changed into her pajamas. But as she lay in bed trying to clear her head and fall asleep, she wondered what her answer would have been if he hadn't run away.


	8. Chapter 8

It was late at night and rain was tapping on the sitting room windows of the silent Potter house. Lily tried to concentrate on her Transfiguration homework, but her eyes kept darting back to the window by her elbow, waiting to see a flicker of light on the path within the summer storm.

The three boys who were sitting around the fireplace also tried in vain to keep themselves occupied while waiting. Remus was writing an Astronomy eassy, but his eyes didn't move across the pages and his quill circled between his fingers non- stop. Pettigrew was practicing a spell he had difficulty with, with little success, while Balak toyed absentmindedly with a miniature Quaffle, staring into the fire with a grave expression.

The four of them jumped when the door opened abruptly. Potter's nose was pink from the wind and his hair wilder than ever. He took off his damp coat and threw it on the back of a chair in front of the fireplace, sitting down heavily while his friends gathered around him. Lily turned in her chair by the window to listen to the news.

"Well, how was it?" Black urged Potter, who was wiping raindrops off his glasses.

"It went alright."

"Alright? You went to a secret wizard's Order gathering and that's all you have to say?"

"What do you want me to say, Padfoot? Nothing exciting happened. It's just a bunch of wizards loyal to Dumbledore who meet to share the information they've collected."

Black frowned. "Did they tell you who they thought was a Death Eater and who wasn't?"

"Padfoot..."

"James, he deserves to know," Remus interjected gently.

Potter took a deep breath and looked straight at Black. "Bellatrix tops their list of suspects, and also Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa's husband."

Black grunted between his teeth and stood up angrily, turning back and forth as if he couldn't contain the news.

"And Regulus?" He asked with a small hope.

"Voldemort doesn't bring underage wizards into his circle," Potter replied coolly, watching his friend carefully.

Black made a noise between a grumble and a sigh and ran his hands over his face.

"What about Severus?" Lily heard herself asking.

Potter's gaze focused on her. "I don't know," he said in the same unemotional tone.

Lily felt a combination of relief and uneasiness. The uncertainty was painful, but it was better than knowing that Severus had finally been swallowed up by the shadow of the Dark Lord. Perhaps he still had hope.

She was drawn from her thoughts when Black continued to question Potter, and she noticed that he was still looking at her. She looked away in embarrassment. They didn't talk since his offer the night he walked her to her room, but the words still hung between them like a weight.

"Did Dumbledore give you a mission too?" Pettigrew asked with a touch of excitement as James finished telling his friends about the different roles of the members in Dumbledore's Order.

Potter nodded heavily, not pleased. "He wants me to keep an eye on students at Hogwarts when the term starts. From where I am I can see suspicious things much better than the Professors."

Black looked like the words were frozen water on his skin.

"Don't worry, we'll keep Regulus out of trouble," Potter told him firmly.

"I think it's too late, Prongs," Black said flatly. In the firelight, Lily had never seen him look so old and sad.

They stayed up late talking, while Black looked at the flames as if they were guilty of all his troubles. Pettigrew couldn't stop yawning, and Potter looked exhausted; Nearing midnight Remus suggested that everyone would go to sleep.

Lily stayed behind and put out the fire. Hearing their hushed voices in the hallway ahead of her, Lily went to her room in the dark, groping for the walls. She didn't want to go to sleep. She wanted the night to last forever.

The next day was Petunia's wedding day. The knowledge that the day was approaching was buzzing in the back of her head since she had accepted the invitation, but as long as the day was far away she could push the thought away. Now it was too late to imagine that the day won't ever come.

Fear seized her stomach like an iron fist while she lay in bed, trying to fall asleep. She was afraid to meet her relatives whom she hadn't seen since she had gone to Hogwarts, was afraid to see that her father's condition deteriorated, afraid to see Petunia seal the last chapter in their joint lives once and for all and proceed to the next stage with that stranger.

She was afraid she was doing it for the wrong reason, that she wouldn't be happy. She couldn't see Petunia head- over- heels in love with anyone... On the other hand, she couldn't imagine herself as a swooning maiden either. Maybe they were alike in that aspect.

After a brief and troubled sleep, she awoke at dawn. Unable to continue to lie still, she got up resolutely and lit the table lamp.

She busied herself with writing a card. A mountain of crumpled papers piled up on her desk until she manage to express in writing a hint of what she felt. Then she took out the dress she was planning to wear, a pale blue dress with a pleated skirt and pearl- colored flowers around the collar and sleeves. That was the dress she had worn to the Spring Ball at Hogwarts a few months prior; She didn't have enough money of her own to buy a proper wedding present, and certainly not for a new dress.

She went to breakfast but the food tasted like ash in her mouth. The lack of appetite became nauseating when Mrs. Chambers told her she had to go and meet the Degnoming Specialist she had called, and that Lily had to go and wake up the boys, who didn't come down for breakfast again.

She went up to Potter's room with a combination of anticipation and apprehension. Not for the first time since he had made her the offer, she thought it might be nice not to feel all alone at the wedding. And who said that two people couldn't go to a wedding together without it meaning anything?

Scolding herself for her naivety, she knocked lightly on Potter's door. When there wasn't answer she peered inside carefully. The large room was bathed in morning shadows, and only a streak of bright sunlight filtered through the curtains, making the dust in the air sparkle.

Potter was lying in bed on his stomach. Lily walked past him with a cautious step and opened the curtains and the window wide, to refresh the room and maybe make him stir. Potter groaned as the light hit his face and rolled onto his side.

Lily moved to the other side of the bed with little patience and pulled the blanket over his face. He blinked sleepily, muttering something that sounded like, "What are you doing here?" While his arm went up to protect his eyes from the light. In that pose the lower part of his face looked like that of another person entirely, as if she was seeing him without a mask for the first time.

"You're awake?" She asked, making sure he didn't fall asleep again.

"Yeah..." he muttered hoarsely but didn't get up.

She looked around the room. With a wave of her wand all the scattered objects returned to their proper place. As the clothes folded themselves in perfect order she tried breathing deeply and opened the closet, examining the shelves and the neat racks.

"What are you going to wear?" She asked Potter, uneasily examining a blue dress robe with silver cuff-links in the shapes of runes.

"What?" He murmured behind her with a rustle of sheets.

"At the wedding," she said over her shoulder with courage. Potter was leaning on his elbows on the bed, his hair sticking out over his forehead. He looked especially boyish without his glasses.

"I didn't think you wanted me to come," he said, his embarrassment sharpened by the lack of his protective spectacles.

"You have other plans?" Lily suddenly realized how foolish she was.

"No, no," Potter said at once, straightening up and buttoning up the loose top buttons of his pajama. "I'd love to come... And don't worry, I have a couple of Muggle suits."

"Good," Lily said in a mixture of relief and uneasiness. "We have to leave in an hour because I don't know any wizards in the Cokeworth, so we'll have to get to Manchester and then take a train –"

"It's fine," Potter said with a touch of enthusiasm. "I'll be ready."

Lily nodded nervously and left the room. Only when she was outside did she realize that her face was hot. She walked quickly to her room, wondering if she had made a terrible mistake.

She took a quick shower and dressed, feeling strange in the starched, fancy dress. She was just trying to close the buttons at her back with a spell when there was a knock at the door. Mrs. Chambers came in, holding a handsome carved wooden box.

As soon as she saw Lily's struggle she put it aside and helped her with the buttons. Then she sat her down in front of the desk and began brushing her hair with a firm but gentle hand, much to Lily's embarrassment and gratitude. After she finished with the brush she began to arrange her hair in an elegant style, with the skill that made it clear that she had done that many times before. She opened the box and took out golden pins studded with pearls, with which she held the red strands in place.

Lily took one of the pins and studied it closely. The moment she touched the pearls she was filled with awe.

"They're real," she said to Mrs. Chambers.

Mrs. Chambers moved her head back forward firmly. "Of course they're real. Mr. Potter gave them to Mrs. Potter for their first wedding anniversary."

"What?!"

"Stop moving, or you'll look like an orange yarn bundle!"

"Mrs. Chambers, I can't take these!"

"You certainly can. Young Mr. Potter told me to take his mother's jewelry box and let you pick whatever you liked. These pearls go splendidly with your dress, don't they?"

Lily's face felt like it were on fire. She vowed to take care of Potter later. Instead of getting angry, she said sincerely, "Thank you, Mrs. Chambers."

She had the feeling that Mrs. Chambers was smiling at her, but she couldn't turn her head to see without being pushed forward.

After Mrs. Chambers finished arranging Lily's hair (and insisted that she would take a matching pearl necklace, which Lily had politely refused in favor of the golden cross necklace that her mother had given her), she let her go. Lily went to the dining room to wait for Potter and instead encountered the other three Marauders while they were having a late breakfast.

As soon as she stepped in Pettigrew dropped his fork and managed to spill porridge over his shirt. Remus and Black smiled at her and she felt particularly embarrassed.

"You know where – "

"Prongs is in the shack," Black said. He still looked somber, but he still smiled at her. "And you better like what you see, he woke us up just to help him with his damned hair."

"It's a job for at least three people," Remus said in agreement.

Lily laughed uncomfortably. "See you tonight, then."

The three of them said goodbye to her as she headed for the kitchen, where Madeleine flattered her appearance as she parted from her. Lily came out of the back door with relief, unused to getting compliments, and went to the shack.

The day was bright and fresh, unlike the morning grayness that had dominated it a few hours before and made everything seem hopeless. The marshes and the fields looked like an oil painting under the blue sky. A bright red car stood against the landscape, and beside it stood a young man in a dark suit and black hair, studying a map. It took Lily a fraction of a second to realize that it was Potter. A small whirlpool rose in her stomach. Out of nowhere she remembered the day they met on the train on their first day at Hogwarts – it was inconceivable how different he was now, both inside and out. Had she changed as much?

She approached the car and he noticed her before she was ready. A smile came over his face, a smile that was very different from the smiles she had received from everyone else, and had also made her feel different. She smiled back, almost against her will. He wore a dark suit that suited him like it had been tailored especially for him, with a matching vest and a tie with patterns of blue, silver, and royal green diamonds. Clearly, a supreme effort had been made to make his hair look neat, and for some reason it didn't feel right to Lily.

She felt exposed as she had never felt before when she faced him at last.

"You look great," he said, and she felt herself blushing under his gaze.

"Thank you," she replied sheepishly. "You too. I didn't know you could dress so nicely."

"Thanks," he replied, then blushed slightly as he confessed, "Mrs. Chambers picked it out."

Lily gave a laugh. She thought about scolding him for the jewelry box trick, but after a moment she rejected it. He was just trying to do something nice for her. And although she didn't want to admit it at all, it was the most romantic gesture she had ever received.

"So," Potter broke the strained silence and rustled the map pointedly. "Where did you say the wedding was at? Cokeworth?"

"Yes," Lily replied, and only then did she understand what he was planning. "We can't drive there, we'll arrive long after everything is over."

"Who said we're driving?" He said as he opened the passenger door for her. At the sight of her doubtful gaze he curled the tip of his mouth with a mischievous smile and added, "Trust me, will you?"

Feeling that she would regret it, Lily didn't hide a sigh and got into the car. Potter got into the driver's seat and began fiddling with a myriad of buttons and switches she had never seen before in a car.

"You said you didn't know how to drive," she reminded him.

"Did I?" He replied distractedly, and then the car began to move. It sped along the ash road, maneuvering perfectly even though Potter was still busy with the switches and wasn't touching the wheel. Then he pulled on a suspicious handle and the car took off.

Lily choked a surprised cry. The ground moved from under them so quickly that the Potter's house looked like no more than one of Mrs. Potter's pearl pins on a vast bed of green. Then the ocean came into sight, shimmering in the summer sunlight. She told herself she should have expected something like that.

She looked at Potter and he looked back. The sun was very bright this high above the ground, highlighting the contrast between the green and the brown in his eyes, which again made her think of her shapeless dream.

They arrived in Lily's childhood town quite early. They landed behind an abandoned factory and the car drove on its own to the center of town; Lily had to beg Potter to at least put his hands on the wheel so as not to arouse the suspicion of the other drivers.

Finally they parked in the lot behind the church, which bordered on the town cemetery. Lily got out of the car and stretched her legs, feeling cramped from the long sitting and the tension she felt. The lofty church building with its white tower evoked a mixture of sadness and joy in her; This was where her parents were married, where she was baptized, where she spent every Sunday with Petunia and her parents, and also the place where her mother was buried. She always knew that this would be the place where she too would marry and be buried.

"Ready to go?" Potter's voice forced her to return to reality.

She nodded shakily. She would have liked to stay in the car, but she had to be brave and deal with that day. She grabbed her handbag strongly and walked steadily but fearfully to the front entrance, where loud voices of conversation could be heard. To her they sounded like cannon-shots.

A large group of Lily's relatives and a few strangers gathered outside the wide church doors. Lily didn't notice any of them any more as soon as she spotted her aunt Mabel, in a wide-brimmed hat decorated with plastic flowers, watching her father in his wheelchair. Lily almost ran to them, hugged her aunt distractedly, and then leaned over to her father almost desperately.

He looked as if he was drowning in his brown suit, that was too big for his thin form now. He looked even older than he had been a few weeks earlier, when Lily had last seen him, if it was possible at all for a man who was not yet sixty. She hugged him carefully and spoke to him; Only after a few moments did his confused gaze focus on her and he smiled knowingly.

"My Lily, what are you doing here?" He asked with genuine incredulity. "Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

"No, Dad, it's summer hols," Lily told him patiently. "I came for Tunie's wedding."

"Petunia is getting married? Right, right ..."

"You'd better go to the dressing room, darling," her aunt told her. "All the bridesmaids finished dressing already."

"I'm not a bridesmaid," Lily said, and at the sight of her aunt's sorry expression added, "I was hired to work in a minister's office this summer. It's a twenty-four hour job. Petuina understand."

Aunt Mabel nodded in understanding, although she didn't look convinced. With an unusual tact, Potter, who was standing silently by Lily's elbow all that time, eased the embarrassment by introducing himself. She looked at him and he gave her a brief look that promised he wouldn't compromise her dangerous lie.

He started a polite conversation with her aunt, and Lily took the opportunity to excuse herself and sneak inside. Her father held her hand with unusual force, his eyes fearful. Lily assured him that she would return immediately, that she was just going to say hello to Petunia.

The church corridors were dark and cool, full of comforting memories that gave her strength as she walked to the bride's dressing room. She knocked on the door. The sounds of conversation and feminine laughter rose from within. One of Petunia's friends from school, dressed in a bright purple dress, opened the door. The smile disappeared from her face the second she saw Lily.

"Is Petunia here?" Lily asked without a greeting. Petunia's friends hated her, no doubt because they spent year listening to to her complaining about her younger sister.

The bridesmaid moved aside reluctantly and allowed Lily to enter. Petunia was sitting at the dressing table, dressed in a big, airy wedding dress that looked like whipped cream cake. She looked surprised to see Lily.

"I didn't think you'd come," she admitted as a greeting as Lily walked over and gave her a brief hug, which she returned coolly.

"Of course I came," Lily said, a little sad that her sister thought she would miss her wedding. "It's your special day. I wouldn't have missed it for anything in the world."

Petunia looked old and serious. Perhaps because her hair was pulled back too tight and she her make up was so heavy. People always said that brides were supposed to be beautiful and radiant, but Petunia looked mostly frightened.

"You're excited?" Lily asked, though it was a stupid question, and sat down on a stool beside her sister, under the hostile gaze of her friends.

Petunia nodded heavily. "Thank you for the money you sent," she changed the subject. "It came just when Dad's medication was running out."

"Don't thank me," Lily said uneasily. "That's why I went to work." And to herself she added –not to get away from you and Dad.

Petunia gave her a strange smile. Lily couldn't remember the last time her sister had smiled at her, which made her think she might be very excited about the ceremony. Maybe on this new page she is starting in her life they could be friends again.

"Where are you going to live?" She asked with increasing confidence.

"Vernon bought a house in Surrey," Petunia replied proudly. "He agreed that Dad would live with us."

"That's very kind of him." Lily started to like this Vernon. It wasn't obvious that he would agree to take in his wife's sick father. "What about our house?" She added.

"We'll sell it," Petunia said, examining her hair in the mirror. "I already packed all your things..."

"Thank you," Lily said with a combination of relief and pain. The house where she grew up was full of sweet and bitter memories, so full of them that she decided to spend the summer in a stranger's house, only so she wouldn't have to be there anymore. Maybe it was good that she won't have to step there again.

"Would you like to come to tea tomorrow?" Petunia suggested suddenly. "We've just finished arranging the house."

"Yes, very much," Lily said excitedly, stunned by the offer. "But aren't you going on a honeymoon?"

"Maybe in the fall," Petunia replied with a trace of disappointment. "Vernon's got to work. He's just been promoted to a manager position in the company he works in."

"That's very impressive," Lily said, not daring to doubt the newlyweds decision to postpone the honeymoon.

The bridesmaids began buzzing like bees. It was time for the ceremony. Petunia paled under her make-up.

"Good luck, Tunie," Lily said and hugged her again warmly. Petunia hugged her back. Lily left the dressing room, unable to stop smiling.

The ceremony was traditional and simple. Lily sat in the front row by the aisle, where her father was placed in his wheelchair, and held his gaunt hand throughout the ceremony. Potter was sitting next to her, and on his other side sat a particularly fat girl, Vernon Dursley's sister. She was trying to cool her red face with a fan and was stirring uncomfortably on the narrow wooden bench, pushing Potter in Lily's direction until their legs were touching. Lily felt the need to squeeze as far as she could to the edge of the seat, but she fought the impulse.

Petunia's new husband was as big as his sister, wearing a black suit almost as big as a tent, and had a groomed black mustache. Lily didn't know what she been expecting him to look like, but somehow she didn't expect him to look like that. As he kissed his mother and squeezed his father's hand, who both were as big as him, Lily implored herself not to judge him by his appearance. He was going to take care of her father, of his own accord and even when he didn't have to, so he must be a good man.

After the ceremony a reception was held in the hall at the back of the church. Lily spent her time there watching over her father and helping him eat while the guests ate, drank and talked. She didn't take part in the conversations, even though she was particularly pleased; After all, Petunia looked happy, and they were on their way to fix their relationship.

Potter behaved perfectly, except for a single complaint that there wouldn't be any dancing. Lily's relatives all fell in love with him. She had the feeling that they thought they were a couple, but she couldn't find the right moment to tell them the truth, because Potter made everyone laugh all the time. Herself as well.

They had no trouble concealing their identity as wizards (Potter pretended to be a Muggle with outstanding talent) until Lily's cousins, who sat around the table laughing at Potter's jokes, asked them where they met. Lily, who was helping her father taste the dessert, didn't have time to respond before Potter said they knew eatch other from school.

"I thought you went to an all girls' school," Lily's cousin said.

"That right. He... Goes to the all boys' school across the street," Lily replied uncertainly, giving Potter a meaningful look.

The cousins accepted the story and went to get drinks. As soon as they went away Potter told her, "You're a terrible liar, you know that?"

"I'll take it as a compliment," Lily replied proudly.

Potter smiled at her response. "So where do they think you're going to school?"

"Saint Katerina's school for Remarkably Talented Girls. It's in Ipswich."

"It's a good cover. No one ever goes to Ipswich," Potter said. "Where am I supposed to be going, then? Saint Bertie Bott's school for About Average Boys?"

Lily laughed against her will, and then just couldn't stop.

By the time they returned in the flying car to the Potter house the day turned into twilight, and the car lamps shone pale under the the empty sky's dark light. It stopped dutifully in front of the shack and turned itself off, leaving the world dim and quiet, except for the shrieks of distant night birds.

"Thanks for letting me come," Potter said. "It was pretty fun. It's been nice to meet your relatives, although I don't think your sister and her husband like me very much."

"I don't think they really like anybody very much," Lily said. Recalling the way Petunia wrinkled her nose when she was dissatisfied and her husband's face turned purple when he got angry, she thought to herself that they were a match made in heaven. "And thank you for coming. It was nice to see a familiar face there. I'm not so close with my family..."

"It must be hard to hide from them that you're a witch."

"Yes, it's hard, but there's no other choice."

"Maybe one day won't not have to hide anymore, you can never know," Potter said optimistically, his fingers drumming on the wheel nervously.

"I don't think the world is ready for that," Lily said, his strange unease beginning to affect her.

She touched the pins in her hair. She spent the whole wedding worrying about losing one, especially when her femmale relatives touched them and said they couldn't believe she'd bought them in the department store, because they looked so real.

"I'd better go inside and take off the pins," she said. "I'll give them back to Mrs. Chambers in the morning – "

"No way," Potter said. "Didn't she tell you? It's a gift."

Lily was afraid he'd say that. "I can't accept it. It's too expensive," she said without looking at him, a little offended that he thought she would accept such a valuable gift from her employer. "And besides, your mother got them as a gift..."

"That's exactly why you should have them," Potter insisted fiercely. "They were an anniversary gift. It would be sad if they sat in a box forever. If you wore them maybe their love would continue to live."

Those words made her look at him. Then she could see why he was so nervous – he was going to kiss her. She froze, not knowing whether to withdraw or to close the distance between them. She longed for it and was afraid of it at the time.  
She could already smell him when there was a rough knock on the car window and they both jumped.

Potter rolled down the window. "What is it, Maxwell?" He said impatiently to the gardener standing outside the car.

"Sir, the defenses 've been activated, but there's no one there," the old gardener said, unaware or uninterested that he disturbed an intimate moment.

"I'd better go," Lily determined. Potter looked as though he was about to tell her to wait, but she was already out of the car and walking as fast as she could back to the house, her skin burning in the cool evening air.


	9. Chapter 9

In the afternoon on the day after the wedding Lily was on the train from London to Surrey. Through the soot covered window vast green fields and small bushes rolled by, not a single tree in sight. Petunia was allergic to most trees at summer, and Lily imagined her husband uprooting every single tree in Surrey, his wide face reddening with effort, in order to make his bride's new home perfect. The thought made her smile.

She told no one except Mrs. Chamber that she was going. The Marauders were playing Quidditch behind the house when she left; Potter was hovering on his broom with a dancers grace, catching the Quaffle lightly and passing it on with a careless smile. She knew that if she told him she was going he would insist to take her there. She hadn't decided yet if it was a good or a bad thing, bust right now she just wanted to be alone.

She hadn't been alone in the room with Potter since what had happened the evening before. During lunch and dinner they were surrounded by his friends and the other house workers, and Lily spent the whole day with Mrs. Chambers and Madeleine in search of a way to get rid of the particularly stubborn African Fire Ants that kept returning to the kitchen cupboards, no matter what spell the three witches used. Lily kept herself busy with work and thinking about the afternoon she was going to spend with her sister, trying not to remember moment she sat with Potter in the car and felt that if he would kiss her right now she wouldn't mind. It was a stupid thought, and a moment of weakness that wouldn't repeat itself.

She got off the train in the suburbs of Surrey and took a taxi to Petunia's new home, her heart in her throat. The ride was shorter than she would have hoped, and she found herself on a straight street of identical, whitewashed houses with perfectly trimmed gardens and lawns.

Lily paid the taxi driver, and as he drove away she stood for a few moments and looked at the house. Flower bushes grew under the windows, just like Petunia liked. But otherwise the house was devoid of any personal features. An ordinary Muggle house, of a regular Muggle couple, that all they wanted was to be normal... Lily suppressed the bitterness and told herself to be happy for her sister. After all, it was all Petunia had ever wanted.

She stepped on the white path in a measured step and knocked on the door with apprehension. Petunia opened almost immediately, as if she was waiting for her behind the door. Her blonde hair was sternly tied and she wore a dress that made her look much older than her age. The perfect housewife.

"Just in time," she noted with restrained appreciation.

Lily tried to smile and hugged her. Petunia put one arm around her and with the other closed the door behind her.

"The house looks wonderful," Lily complimented her, although the corridor leading to the bright kitchen was completely plain except the fact that it was extraordinarily clean.

"Thank you," her sister said proudly. "Dad's in the living room. I'll serve the tea."

Lily walked toward the doorway that led to the living room modestly when she noticed that in the cupboard under the stairs, whose door was open, a table lamp was on. It lit a narrow bed in a crowded space where the ceiling didn't allow an adult to stand up, and on the bed was the special cushion that supported their father's wounded back when he slept.

Lily turned to Petunia in shock. Petunia made an effort to hide her shamefulness behind a serious expression.

"We don't have a bedroom downstairs," she said in a tense voice. "And it's out of the question that we carry Dad up and down the stairs all day."

"Of course," Lily said immediately, and really tried to understand. That was the least they could do for him in his condition.

Lily's father sat in his wheelchair in the living room, watching television with glazed eyes. Lily sat down on the edge of the sofa next to him and took his hand, but he didn't notice her. He didn't look as though sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs was hurting him in any way, and Lily was relieved. Maybe it wasn't so bad.

Petunia came in with a perfect, organized tea tray that wouldn't have shamed Mrs. Chambers herself, and they began to talk. At first awkwardly and unpleasantly, and then more freely. They talked about the wedding, about their relatives, about Vernon and his work, about Surrey and Petunia's new neighbors – all the while dancing carefully around the subject of Lily's own existence.

When a sound of a car pulling into the driveway was heard outside the living room window Lily was convinced that Vernon had come home, but then the doorbell rang and Petunia straightened her dress before she went to open it. Lily, who didn't know someone else was invited, sat up and fought the urge to look out and see who the guest was.

After a few moments Petunia returned to the living room, followed by a graying pastor in a black suit that barely closed around his ample belly. Lily stood up and held out her hand to him, introducing herself. The pastor looked at her hand strangely and finally squeezed it briefly with his damp hand.

"Lily, this is Father Horton," Petunia told her. "Please sit down, Father. Tea?"

"Please," Father Horton said in a higher voice than expected from a man his size and sat in the armchair farthest from Lily's seat, arranging the cross chain on his weak chest with importance. He acted as if he wasn't a guest, but was summoned there against his will.

Petunia poured him tea and sat down in the middle of the third couch in the room. As the pastor sipped his tea intently, Lily thought to herself that her father must be the only person in the room that wasn't feeling completely uncomfortable.

"Well, let's get to the point," the pastor said at last, putting his cup aside and focusing on Lily, his fingers clasping under his limp chin. "Miss Evans, your sister told me that you've long been straying from the ways of God."

Lily looked at Petunia in amazement, but she was especially concentrated on her cup and refused to look back at her.

"That's not true," she said defensively, to both of them. "I go to church every Sunday. It's true that I can't leave school and go through the school year, but I make sure to read a chapter in the Bible and pray in privet instead..."

The pastor's eyes made it clear that he wasn't convinced by her words. Lily felt a stab of betrayal in her heart. "Why would you say something like that, Petunia?"

Petunia continued to act as if Lily wasn't in the room, a behavior that characterized her after Lily had first received the letter from Hogwarts. Father Horton cleared his throat and replied for her, "Miss Evans, there is no need to keep secrets from me. Mrs. Dursley has turned to me especially because I am familiar with the condition of... Girls such as you."

Petunia began to peel off the skin around her fingernails, like she used to do when she was particularly stressed.

Lily felt she was getting angry. "Girls like me?" She said defiantly to Petunia, "You mean witches?"

Petunia cringed as if Lily had shouted the word, which she considered particularly crass. "Be quiet!" She hissed at her as she stood to close the window, "The neighbors will hear you!"

Lily longed to reply rudely but bit her tongue, pleading with herself to keep calm.

"Yes, witches," Father Horton said with false softness, although Lily didn't care what he had to say. The betrayal burned her inside like a blue flame. "I myself was born to parents who were... Different ... And as a result, far from God. I'm what people like you call A... Squib..."

"That explains a lot," Lily said with uncharacteristic cruelty.

"Impertinence will only keep you away from salvation, Miss Evans," the pastor said sternly in his squeaky voice. "Your sister is only trying to help you... All people are God's children, but people with special powers sometimes forget that they are only mortal and won't obey the divine laws." He cleared his throat. "But maybe it's not too late for you. First and most importantly, are you still a virgin?"

The blood rose to Lily's face at once and she leaped to her feet, feeling the ground shaking under her feet. She couldn't believe it was happening to her – she couldn't believe she was being humiliated like that, least of all by her own sister. She never did anything wrong – she always believed and worshiped and obeyed all the laws, everywhere and in any time – but for Petunia it was never good enough.

"How could you?!" She shouted at Petunia. Her sister held their father's wheelchair with one hand and with the other she was gripping the arm of the couch, eyes torn with fear. "I can't believe I thought you wanted us to make up! You brought me here just to remind me that I'm nothing to you!?"

"Do not worry, Mrs. Dursley!" The pastor squeaked, bending over the chair unsteadily and looking for something in his pockets with trembling hands. He took out a black container like the ones used by the riot police in the Muggle news. As soon as Lily realized what it was the tank sprayed pepper spray straight into the pastors eyes and he fell to the floor with a shriek of pain.

"Stop it!" Petunia screamed, kneeling on the floor. Their father woke up from his nap and looked around in terror, saying words Lily couldn't hear. Only then did she realize that her ears were ringing with a terrible noise; All the furniture in the house was rattling loudly and dust was falling from the ceiling.

She looked toward one of the windows and it shattered before her eyes. Petunia screamed, covering her head with her arms. Lily looked at her and felt a terrible satisfaction. Yes, Petunia deserved be afraid of her, after everything she had done to her...

No. She was her sister. No one should be afraid like that, no matter how hateful they were. And the fact that for a split second Lily enjoyed the suffering she had caused her sister made her want to scream.

Tears of self- hatred erupted from her eyes and she ran outside the trembling house. The front door blew over it's hinges as if Lily were a hurricane and then she was under the empty sky, the sun against her tears. She didn't even have time to shout when someone grabbed her and pulled her into a flower bush under the window.

She began to struggle but a long arm held her arms to her body and a cold hand blocked her mouth. She was terrified, and then a familiar scent of dust and iron rose in her nose. She squinted upward with an effort to see Severus.

People went out into the street to look at the house, which was trembling violently. A long executive car stopped with a screech in the middle of the street and Petunia's husband burst out of it, staring at his new house with an enraged astonishment on his purple face.

"Try to relax," Severus hissed in her ear. "Take a breath. If you won't stop this house will collapse on your father and sister."

Lily breathed against Severus's hand, salty tears still falling from her eyes. It didn't help, so she began to sing her favorite holiday carol in her head, thinking of her last good memory from her mother, like whenever she wanted to create a Patronus. They were sitting side by side in church, it was Christmas, and her mother was smiling to herself as the hymn played, creating a charm that could almost be tasted combined with the soft rustle of snow outside. Lily was only nine years old, but she knew she would never forget the sparkle in her mother's eyes, who was as beautiful as an angel.

The deafening crackle in her ears stopped, replaced by shouts and cries of panic from the neighbors. Lily breathed deep into her lungs the potions- cauldron scent of of Severus' hand and felt the glacier in her chest beginning to dissolve.

Severus released her slowly and she felt as if her body was about to fall to pieces. Her eyes burned from the salt of her own tears. It wasn't supposed to be like that. She wasn't supposed to end up hiding in a bush that choked her like dozens of searching hands.

"We can't stay here," Severus told her. "The Ministry will be here any minute. We could lose them between the houses."

Lily nodded silently. Severus pushed- dragged her while crawling through the bushes, in a cloud of suffocating flowery scents, until they reached the backyard. Only then did Lily realize that she had left her handbag in the living room.

"Wait here," Severus said sternly and jumped out of the bushes, breaking into the house through the back door. After a few moments he came back, pulled Lily out of the bushes, and ran to the path that connected all the backyard from behind. He looked grotesque, elongated and somber in his dark big coat and holding Lily's colorful handbag.

"The good news is you didn't use your wand," he said as Lily strained to keep up his fast pace. "They won't be able to connect you to what happened as long as you haven't used it. And if your sister has any sense of decency, she won't tell the Ministry anything."

The words slid over Lily like water. She felt like she was having a strange dream.

"What are you doing here?" She realized that Severus had no reason to be in her sister's flowerbed. He squinted at her with a black eye but didn't reply. "Where you following me?"

"No," he said immediately, and then, "Yes."

"How did you know – " She stopped in the middle of the question. She had learned long ago that Severus shouldn't be underestimated. "You were at the wedding?"

"Of course not," he said with a touch of disgust. He was a talented liar, but she knew him well enough to always know.

She considered the options deeply. When she reached her conclusion she stopped abruptly and pulled her arm away from Severus's grasp.

"You cast a tracking spell on me?"

Severus was silent, and it was as if he had admitted the whole truth. Lily snatched her bag from his hand and hit him with it once, helplessly. He looked at her with the same look that always reminded her of some aggressive dog that had disappointed it's owner and was now debating whether to lick his hand or bite it.

Now she was thinking about the night he had arrived at the Potter house. How could he look her in the eye after what he said to her? Isn't he even thinking of apologizing for humiliating her? And now he's also following her, unable to let her go, not realizing that he's hurting her, as if he were an internal organ in her body that had grown uncontrollably and threatened to tear her apart from the inside.

She turned away from him, locking her longing for her friend and the anger at the man who had hurt her deeply in her heart.

"Wait, Where are you going?" He called after her, catching up with her and trying to grab her hand despite her objections.

"I'm going back there," she said, steadying her voice with an effort. "I've broken the law. I'm going to turn myself in."

"You don't have to – "

"Why? Because Muggles are inferior and wizards can play with them like puppets?" Lily stopped and yelled back, feeling the old resentments toward Severus' ways awakening again and filling the over- cramped space in her heart. "In another life you and Petunia could've been perfect together. The two of you are full with so much hate for the people you think have hurt you and let the hate turn into who you are..."

"Your sister is a terrible person," Severus said in a quiet voice, looking at her as if he was willing her to stay frozen in space with the power of his gaze alone.

She wanted to shout at him, but felt that if she did she would destroy something else. Yes, the tow of them hated one another, but they could have been the same person. They both loved her once, until life and time made them different and they moved away from her, only to reach out and grab her, unable to let go, unable to live a life that didn't include hurting her.

"Just like you," she replied coldly. His voice from years ago echoed in her mind, breaking through the walls of time – _Mudblood..._

Severus's gaze was like burning tar. Lily wasn't going to let him make her look away. She wasn't going to give in, this time she wasn't going to turn the other cheek. But then a man burst out of the bushes surrounding one of the houses and ended the silent battle.

It was a man in his forties who wore striped trousers and a dotted shirt with such incompatibility and discomfort that it was crystal clear that he was a wizard.

"Excuse me," he said, but instead of leaving he examined them suspiciously, clearly trying to determine whether they were wizards.

"Are you from the Ministry of Magic?" Lily asked in an empty voice.

"Yes," he replied with great importance, realizing he doesn't have to pretend. "And who are you? Do you have something to do with what happened at number four?"

"Yes – "

"It was me," Severus interrupted.

"No!" Lily objected.

"It's good you've confessed now, son," the Ministry official said sternly, and echanted handcuffs appeared on Severus's hands. "You're under arrest."


	10. Chapter 10

Lily was taken to the Ministry of Magic with Severus, but while she was ordered to wait in the waiting room outside the Aurors' Department, he was taken downward in the golden, standing erect and blank faced between the Aurors who held him.

Lily spent the next few hours attacking anyone who came through in an attempt to explain to someone that she was guilty and not Severus. No one would listen. At some point Dumbledore himself got out of the elevator and crossed the corridor with a stride, accompanied by Aurors, and he didn't even look at Lily as she called out to him.

Tears of anger and frustration filled her eyes. A few moments later Slughorn appeared, panting and red- faced, and walked over to Lily as soon as he saw her. She was relieved that at least he was paying her attention. She and Severus were his two favorite students, maybe he would be willing to listen to the truth.

"Miss Evans," he said softly between his heavy breaths. "What are you doing here?"

"Professor, Severus didn't do it," she said at once. "It happened at my sister's house. It was me, I did that magic – "

"Slowly, Miss Evans, start from – what is Mr. Potter doing here?"

Lily turned to see Potter and Mrs. Chambers walking toward them. She hadn't even considered that Mrs. Chambers was expecting her return. She wore a scarlet robe and a matching hat and walked with characteristic vigor; Lily tried to asses from a distance the depth of her anger. But to her astonishment the first thing she did was to hug her.

"Thank Merlin, I was so worried when you didn't return home for dinner," the housekeeper said against her shoulder with pure relief.

"How did you find me?" Lily asked, looking between her and Potter.

"My dad had a lot of friends in the Department," Potter said, remarkably calm in compered to Mrs. Chambers, though a wrinkle had appeared between his eyes. "When you didn't come back I started sending owls to ask if anyone had heard anything. They wrote me that a wizard used magic in front of an entire Muggle street and that there was a redhead girl with him. I knew it had to be you."

He smiled at her and she returned it weakly. Somehow his presence managed to calm her a little.

"Excuse me, my student needs me," Slughorn said and turned to leave. Lily blocked his way.

"Wait, Professor, you have to listen to me! Severus didn't do it, it was me! You have to tell them that!"

"I'll do what I can," Slughorn said wearily, and Lily had a terrible feeling that he didn't believe her. Before she could say anything else he stepped into the Auror Department in a limp step.

"I'll see if we can take you home," Mrs. Chambers said and followed him inside.

"Can anyone hear me at all?!" Lily shouted into the office in frustration.

"I heard you," Potter said in a voice so calm that it almost startled her. "What were you doing with Snape?"

"I wasn't doing anything with him," she replied, his tone irritating her. "I went to see my sister. He followed me there."

Potter raised an eyebrow. "This guy has some serious problems."

Lily would've laughed if it wasn't so sad. "And then I used accidental magic – I couldn't control it, I was just so angry – and he told these people from the Ministry that it was him..."

Potter looked impressed. This wasn't the response she would have expected from him.

"He could go to Azkaban!" She shouted at him, feeling that he didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

"He won't go to Azkaban if no one got hurt," Potter assured her. "Why did you do magic?"

"It doesn't matter now," Lily replied, hugging herself, forcibly repressing the memory of the terrible conversation in Petunia's living room.

"It does matter," Potter said calmly, "If you had a good reason the punishment would be less severe."

Lily sat down in one of the waiting chairs heavily, rubbing her arms. "I didn't," she said heavily. "I was angry and it just happened. Something like that hadn't happened to me since before I went to Hogwarts. Only it was much stronger than before, and someone could've gotten really hurt if I wouldn't have stopped..."

Potter sat down in the chair beside her and put his jacket over her shoulders. Only then she realized how cold she was, so she didn't object.

"Can I tell you a secret?" He said, "It still happens to me too, all the time. It's a bit embarrassing, because it's something that's only supposed to happen to children... But sometimes I feel so angry or helpless and it just happens."

"When was the last time you nearly brought a house down?" Lily answered, and immediately regretted her sharp tone. Potter shared a personal and even shameful secret with her in an attempt to encourage and sympathize with her.

To her utter surprise, he replied, "When they told me that my parents' been murdered."

She felt terrible. "I'm so sorry..."

"It's all right," he said so honestly that she didn't dare look at him. "As someone who tends to attack people who are trying to help him, I can't judge you."

"It's not funny," she said, knowing that he meant the way he had treated her, Black and Dumbledore when they tried to explain to him why he can't go after Voldemort by himself. Still, she felt herself smiling.

"I'll tell you what," he said, standing up suddenly. "I'll try to squeeze out some information about what's going on. Stay here."

He entered the office and she missed him immediately. She didn't reckon that anyone had ever consoled her like that, without blaming or criticizing her. Perhaps only her mother has, when she was a very young girl.

She sat there for a few long minutes until she could no longer contain the tension and went into the office. The Auror's cubicles were separated by wooden partitions that ran along a long hall with a high ceiling. The place was mostly empty – it was a long after work hours –  except for a few diligent workers and some Aurors on the night's shift who were playing cards around one of the tables. They didn't notice Lily as she silently passed outside the cubicle, peering into the offices if search for Potter.

Finally she heard his voice. From a few steps away she could see him in one of the offices, talking to a young Auror. He looked familiar; She thought she remembered him from school, maybe from Gryffindor's Quidditch team. He must have graduated when Lily was in her third or fourth year if he was already an Auror.

"I barely know anything about it, I was only filled out the paper work while the senior Aurors questioned him," he told Potter in a hint of bitterness. "But I knows that under no circumstances should the girl be released. She's the only witness. The Muggle woman refused to talk to us."

"Well, your only witness says something else entirely had happened," Potter said, "She says that he's innocent and that she was the one who did the magic."

"Since when are you on Snape's side? I thought you couldn't stand him," the Auror said, sitting down on the edge of his desk.

"I don't. But he's innocent," Potter said with some pain.

The Auror shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you, Potter. I only know that my superiors are really eager to question him. If you ask me, they're just looking for a reason. Perhaps they suspect that he's connected to You- Know- Who – I know that they're always looking for excuses to investigate wizards who are suspected of being in contact with him. Snape's lucky that he's still in Hogwarts and Dumbledore can protect him, otherwise they would've tore him apart in the interrogation room."

As if it was planned, in that exact moment Potter looked outside and saw Lily standing in the hallway. She hid quickly in an empty cubicle just as the Auror said, "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing. I thought I saw something."

"Well, you better go. No one's supposed to be here."

"I see. Thanks for everything," Potter finished the conversation quickly. There was a sound of a chair being dragging as the Auror returned to his chair. After a few moments Potter appeared beside Lily and they left the office without speaking.

"How much did you hear?" He asked when they were back in the waiting room.

"Enough to understand why no one would listen to me," Lily said heavily, returning to her seat. Stretching her skirt over her knees, she added, "I'm sure that what they're doing is illegal."

"He did admit, after all," Potter said, "And if he's really connected to Voldemort – "

Lily didn't want to hear it. He must have understood it without her speaking, because he became silent.

They sat in total silence until Mrs. Chambers came back, telling Lily she had to stay until the Aurors decided whether to take her testimony. In her heart she wanted to be called to testify, so that she could tell these people that she knew what they were trying to do and that they wouldn't get away with such a terrible tretment.

She was so engrossed in her rage that she hardly noticed that Potter had sent Mrs. Chambers home, and that he remained waiting there with her.

The hours passed in total silence. Potter sat almost motionless, except every once and a while when he got up to stretch or to get them water. Lily was talking to Severus in her head, trying to understand why he had done what he had done, after making it clear time and time again that he didn't want them to be friends. At one point she fell asleep and dreamed that she was trapped in the dark, in the cupboard under the stairs in Petunia's house.

She returned to reality when someone touched her shoulder gently. She realized she was slumped in her seat, and that her head throbbing with terrible pain. Potter was looking at her with a trace of concern.

"You fell asleep," he said at her confused look. She straightened up and tried to stretch, but all her body ached. Suddenly he asked, "Who's Harry?"

Lily thought about it, her mind vague. "I don't know. Why?"

"You were mumbling his name in your sleep. I probably heard you wrong."

"Sorry..." she muttered hoarsely, running a hand through her hair. "What time is it?"

"Almost two."

Potter watched her trying to wake up. He looked eager to ask her something, but before he could Slughorn and Dumbledore came out of the office.

Lily leaped to her feet, but before she could say anything Dumbledore spoke, "He will be released home in the morning. He would be punished in school, being that no one got hurt."

"Thank you, Professor," Lily said, knowing it was thanks to him. "But you must understand that it wasn't him – "

"Horace told me your side of the story, Miss Evans," Dumbledore said sternly. He had never addressed her that way before. "You will have a personal conversation with Professor McGonagall on the first day of school. At the moment Mr. Snape denies you had anything to do with what had happened and takes full responsibility for it."

"Can I see him?"

"Not while he's in custody. Go home, Miss Evans." With these words Dumbledore ended the conversation and left. Lily looked after him, her stomach turning. She couldn't shake off the feeling that he was angry with her. Professor Slughorn tried to smile at her encouragingly and left too, looking exhausted.

"Ready to go?" She could barely hear Potter talking to her. She let him lead her, her head hurting too much for her to think or feel anything. She was cold, and even his jacket was no longer helping her.

She couldn't remember the Apparition, nor how she got to her room, only that it was very cold outside at two in the morning. The next thing she remembered was lying in bed in her clothes, sweating under the covers, and Mrs. Chambers speaking to her.

She must have been very ill because she spent that whole day in bed, waking sleeping intermittently. She felt terrible in her waking moments, but the dreams she had when she slept were worse. At best, they took place in distant and noisy places and made no sense at all. At worst, she was a child again and had just lost her mother, or was spending her time with Severus and couldn't get away from him even though he frightened her. And sometimes she was locked up in Petunia's house or in a house she didn't know, a priest was scattering  incense that confused her, and the cries of a baby filled her ears and wouldn't let her pray. At the end of every dream she stood in a blue room, haunted with the knowledge that someone had come to kill her.

When she came back to herself, it was morning. Only when Madeleine came into her room with a tray of food did she discover that she had had high fever for twenty-four hours.

She had no appetite, but she had to take a shower, though she felt dizzy. When she got back to her room, feeling a little better, she found Remus sitting on her bed with two books in his lap.

"You're not supposed to get out of bed," he said, noticing that she was dressed for work. "Mrs. Chambers' orders."

"I can't stay in bed for another day," Lily said as she combed her wet hair, though she still felt ill. "It's not bad enough that I made her come to the Ministry in the middle of the night, I've also missed a whole day's work. I'm surprised she hasn't fired me yet."

"She won't fire you. Things like that happen," Remus said patiently, then gestured to the tray that was still on the bed. "And you have to eat."

Lily sat down on the bed, feeling like her legs were too weak to carry her. "Only if you eat with me," she said. It touched her heart that he was worried about her. She sipped her tea and suddenly realized how thirsty she was.

"Fair enough," Remus said, buttering a piece of toast. "But if I so much as suspect you're trying to get out of bed I'll snitch you out, is that clear?"

They ate on the bed, taking their time, the conversation flowing. Remus brought her books to keep her busy while she was bedridden, and Potter sent with him a get-well card. On it's cover was a colorful picture of the Beatles in their famous colorful suits, waving and smiling, and every time she opened the card it played one of their songs. Lily liked it very much, so she put it on her nightstand.

"What happened that night, anyway?" Remus asked her when they had finished eating, pouring the remaining tea in the kettle into her cup. "We didn't even know you'd left the house."

"Didn't Potter tell you?" She asked suspiciously.

"No," Remus replied, "He said it was personal."

Lily was quite impressed with Potter's tact. She began to tell the events only in general, but Remus' patient and attentive gaze encouraged her to go into details, and in the end she found herself telling the whole story from the beginning to the end.

"She managed to hurt me in the most painful way," she signed her painful story about Petunia. "And the fact that she behaved as if all she wanted was to sit and talk made it worse."

"Why is your sister bothered so much that you're a witch?" Remus asked. His father was a wizard and a Ministry employer – he couldn't understand why being a wich would be a bad thing, when where he comes from a wizard is the noblest title one can have.

"It's something she doesn't understand, something her faith can not explain. It could be frightening – it scared me too at first, until I realized it didn't actually change anything, that I was who I've always been. It's a gift, after all... But Petunia always said it was the devil's gift..."

Remus almost choked on an orange slice. "She ... really said that to you?"

Lily tried to look as if it wasn't hurting her. "Yes," she said, concealing the bitterness. "It's hard for her to accept what's different..."

"It's a terrible thing to say to anyone, least of all your sister."

Lily shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I don't know when I'll see her again."

She hadn't thought about it until she said these words, and now she knew it was the truth – that the rift between her and Petunia was already too deep. She couldn't escape the understanding that she was left to drift in the world alone, without roots.

"And what about Severus?" Remus asked gently. "Are you going to talk to him about what happened?"

"I should, but I don't want to." Only the thought of Severus' dilapidated house at Spinner's End made her shudder. "At least not alone... Would you come with me?"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Remus said uneasily. "He could get the wrong idea..."

It took Lily a moment to understand what he was talking about. The fact that Remus was a werewolf seemed so unattached to reality that she had almost forgotten that Severus had discovered his terrible secret, which was revealed only in the light of the full moon.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" Remus said with sudden embarrassment. When Lily nodded, not knowing how the conversation could be more personal than it already was, he asked, "Were you and Severus ever... Together?"

The question made her very uncomfortable. It wasn't the first time she had been asked the question – her classmates had been very preoccupied with it when she and Severus were close – and the older she got, the more it bothered her.

"No, never," she replied. "At the beginning of fifth year I started to feel like he wanted something to happen between us... But he never really said anything, and then it was too late. I could never see him as more than a friend. Now were not even friends."

Remus nodded sympathetically. The subject embarrassed him more than it should have, and Lily immediately understood why. She crossed her arms.

"Did Potter tell you to ask me that?"

Remus hesitated for a moment and then nodded in defeat.

"So you can tell him that if he wants to ask me something, he can do it himself," Lily said, not sure why it bothered her so much that Potter had sent his friend to investigate her love life.

"You can't blame him for being a bit dense," Remus said in his friend's defense, "It's a sensitive subject. And he likes you. A lot."

Lily tightened her crossed arms, refusing to let the words touch her heart. "He went out with all the girls in our class," she said, raising one of the many claims she held against Potter.

"Like every other boy of our year," Remus said logically. "You wouldn't talk to him after what happened at the end of fifth year, so he tried to move on. It didn't exactly work out for him..."

Lily wanted to say that he deserved her treatment, but the old memory was muffled by the fresh memories of him from the last few weeks. He deserved to be punished for the repulsive things he had done when they were younger, but she could agree that he had served his sentence, at least for now.

"You should rest," Remus said. As he walked to the door it seemed to her that his kind smile was changing into something more mischievous.

After an hour of bed rest and an attempt to read Lily let the book fall over her face, thinking how much she would have liked to wipe that smile from Remus' face. She had always thought he was innocent and kind compered to his friends, but the way he had planted the thought of Potter in her head and just left was simply cruel.

 

In the afternoon she felt that if she stayed in bed for another second she would go mad, so she went to look for Mrs. Chambers. She found her in the empty dining room, repairing a magnificent ancient tapestry that had been eaten by dixies in the master bedroom, and begged her to let her work. Mrs. Chambers claimed that she wasn't yet fit for work but agreed she could continue repairing the tapestry because she had to go visit her niece.

Lily took her place in the chair and spread the thick fabric on her knees, pointing the needle at the loose patch of cloth over the head of one of James Potter's ancestors, who was in the middle of a battle against a dragon.

The afternoon was lovely and warm. Mrs. Chambers had left all the windows in the dining room are open, and the velvet curtains swayed in the wind like the petals of a large flowers, bathed in the sunlight, which was as thick and sweet as honey. After a few minutes of sewing Lily felt much calmer.

When she heard footsteps on the stairs she pleaded with herself to ignore it and concentrate on the blue and red threads. But somehow she managed to look up just as Potter came into the room. He smiled at her and she acted as if a loose thread demanded her complete attention.

"I'm glad to see you're feeling better," he said, abandoning his original reason for coming there and leaning against the wooden counter under one of the windows. "Did you like my card?"

"Yes," Lily replied, not bringing up the fact that he had marvelously remembered that she liked the Beatles. "I didn't know you could buy Muggle- related things in wizards' shops," she added to make the conversation more general and eliminate the strange tension that wouldn't leave her. She wanted to disappear and to glow at the same time.

"I don't think you could," Potter said, trying to hide his pride. "I made it myself. You said you liked the Beatles, and I got some of their records, and I also know some spells..." He must have realized he was talking in broken sentences because he went silent and looked out the window. 

Lily went back to the tapestry. As she straightened the hero's figure to correct his magical- armor- clad elbow, she noticed that even though he was still, the magic in the drawing faded long ago, he's resemblance to Potter almost made her heart skip a beat.

She tried to say something and he spoke at the same time. He laughed and apologized. "You first."

She immediately wished she hadn't spoken. She looked down at the illustrated hero. It could be said to the creator's credit that he had decided to give up the maiden- in- distress concept, and instead he added a witch riding on a hippogriff who was watching over the hero from above.

"I'd like to see the Peverell's fort during the day," she said finally, looking up bravely. She felt like she needed to explain herself, but all the words had left her, so she just looked at him with a challenging look.

"Seriously?" He replied with genuine surprise.

"If you don't have time – "

"No, I have plenty of time," he said quickly, running his hand through his hair. He didn't try to hide how glad the request made him, and like whenever she saw him smiling those days Lily couldn't stop her own smile. "We can go tomorrow afternoon. If it suits you, I mean."

"Sure," Lily said, forgetting that she had planed to work overtime to compensate Mrs. Chambers for her absences.

"Good," Potter said and walked out of the room with a smile, as if he had to be somewhere urgently. After a few moments Lily heard the front door close.

Once she was alone, she buried her face in the tapestry. If a month ago someone would have told her that she would spend an evening alone with Potter, and on her own initiative, she would have laughed. Now she felt like laughing because of the butterflies that filled her stomach, a sensation she has never felt before.


	11. Chapter 11

After what felt like a particularly long day, Lily was crossing the marshes on her way to the meeting she still feared to define. It wasn't that the day that had passed since her brave offer had been full of events; On the contrary, the fact that there wasn't a fraction of any extraordinary event was what made it feel so long and tedious, and gave her countless opportunities to look at Potter from a distance and to think that perhaps she should withdraw her offer. But she never did.

After an unusually long deliberation she decided to wear a faded crimson dress with thin straps, and after many experimentation with her hair he kept it down and held it with her silver- lily brooch. When she took it out of the box she noticed late Mrs. Potter's hair pins, and it made her feel a stab in her heart. She promised herself that she would return them to Mrs. Chambers as soon as possible and left them in the confines of the box.

She left the house through the side door in the staff's quarters, which no one ever used because it led to a rocky patch on a steep hill and the walk to the front of the house was unusually long and unpleasant. However, Lily didn't want to bump into anyone, certainly not Mrs. Chambers, and have to tell her where she was going and with whom. That way the only person who saw her leave was Maxwell, who was working on the vegetable patches outside his hut on the edge of the estate.

She noticed Potter from a distance. He was leaning against the fence that surrounded the estate with his back to her, looking into the woods as if they were particularly interesting. She was relieved that couldn't see her coming. He didn't turn around even when she was close behind him, and only when she opened the gate did he turn and give her a tight smile. Her only comfort was that he seemed to be even more nervous than she was. She began to regret her chose the wear a dress with narrow straps, because his gaze made her feel exposed.

They exchanged a few embarrassed looks and started walking down the path together. Lily hugged herself as she walked and Potter seemed to be at a loss for the proper placement of his hands. They were alone, in a desolate place, far from the house and the routine that allowed them a comfortable escape from each other's company. The silence only made things worse.

Finally Potter said, "Now I'm sorry I've already used the joke about St. Bertie Bott's School, that would've been useful right about now."

His faint attempt to make a joke was enough to make Lily smile in her present nervous state.

"If only the good people of Hogwarts knew that James Potter was recycling jokes ..." she said, desperately trying to help him break the ice.

Potter grinned with unusual embarrassment. For some reason Lily liked it. After a few more minutes of walking along the empty country road, which at that moment didn't seem close to its end, his stubborn silence became jarring.

"Say something, you're beginning to worry me," she said finally. Usually he was one of the most talkative people she knew.

He laughed nervously. "Sorry. I feel like my brain is deep- fried..."

Lily decided to try a different angle. "You can probably tell me something about this road. It looks pretty old."

"Well ..." Potter pondered and then began to tell the story of the ancient wizards who had built that road that stretched from the forest to the ocean.

"That's very interesting," Lily said after he had finished telling her about a famous battle between giants and trolls that had taken place hundreds of years ago on the marsh lands to their right. "Is any of it actually true?"

"None," Potter admitted, "I just made it up."

Lily laughed and rolled her eyes. "Why would you go to all that trouble?"

Potter shrugged. "I thought you'd like it. We're almost there, by the way."

It was true, they were already a few feet away from the ruins of the outer wall. In the light of day the ruined fortress looked much less mysterious and frightening, and was visible to everyone who walked along the path.

"It was nice," Lily admitted. Feeling the embarrassment begin to creep back, she added as a joke, "I sincerely thank you, Mr. Potter."

"Please, Mr. Potter is my father," Potter went along with her joke. "You may call me Lord Potter – "

Lily punched his arm softly, realizing that she was laughing. Potter was laughing too.

The courtyard where Lily encountered Remus as a wolf looked very different in daylight; The thick forest seemed to retreat from the light, and white and yellow flowers emerged from the cracks in the pavements. The stone guards on both sides of the door looked much less threatening and imposing while covered with moss and a ivy. On the head of one of them a bird had set up a nest.

Potter climbed the broken stairs and offered Lily his hand. She could climb alone, but she still took his hand and let him help her. His hand was large and warm compered to hers. Then he went over and pushed the rotting wooden door carefully, its iron hinges creaking in agony.

"Are you sure it's a good idea?" Lily asked uncertainly. The ancient structure looked as though it might collapse at any moment.

"I used to play here all the time when I was a kid," Potter said confidently. When she didn't seem convinced he smiled at her and added, not for the first time that summer, "Trust me."

Every shred of resistance she had left dissolved and she followed him into the stone passage that led into the fortress.

It felt like stepping into another world altogether. One could almost touch the sunlight that penetrated with fierce beams trough the ruined ceiling and walls, illuminating the ancient dust that was swirling in the high, narrow space. Birds that nestled among the stones and the firing slits chirped enthusiastically toward the evening, their song echoing in the hall like a symphony. Silver cobwebs and stems of wild plants hung on the shattered stairs and balconies like velvet curtains, and the cracked floor was covered with a carpet of grass and flowers that penetrated against all odds.

"It's beautiful," Lily murmured, stunned by the unexpected charm and beauty of the wreckage.

"You haven't seen anything yet," Potter said smugly. He crossed the space and in a few light steps climbed an octagonal platform on which stood a statue. It was well preserved compered to the other statues; It remained intact and protected from the elements, missing only one hand and several fingers in his arms that were raised in a gesture of greeting. The top of his face was obscured by a wide hood, and his robe glided over his shoulders in wonderfully realistic stone waves.

"This is Ignotus Peverell. He built this fortress, like most of the wizard castles and fortresses in this area. He's is the most ancient known wizard in the Peverell line," Potter told her, looking eye to eye at the statue of one of his ancestors. Then he reached out and touched the cloak.

Lily almost expected him to be able to grip the cloth, but something more amazing than that happened; A blue glow illuminated tens of thousands of hidden runes engraved in the stone robe, then it slid and expended like liquid until it covered all of the hall. The light rebuilt the walls and staircases and illuminated the images of dozens of wizards and witches that where walking around.

Lily stepped back to avoid colliding with a witch in a rich cloak that was concentrated entirely in a scroll of parchment, only to stand in the way of a group of laughing and screaming children that passed right through her.

"What are they?" She asked with amazement, watching a group of wizards that were trying to restrain a small dragon down the hall.

"Memories," Potter replied, stepping off the stage and joining her in the center of the hall. "Of the wizards who lived here centuries ago."

"It's amazing," Lily hummed, watching a woman who was holding a baby in one arm and a cage with a fiery Phoenix in the other. "Can they talk?"

"If only," Potter replied with the same hope. "Think about the stories they could've told."

Lily gulped her surroundings eagerly, not knowing what to look at first. She thought she knew a lot about the wizardring world, but each time she found out how little she really knew. She prayed that she would never know everything that was to be known, and that each time she would be reawakened by the wonders of that world.

She was surprised when Potter took her hand but didn't resist as he led her gently to a staircase leading up. The real stairs had long since been destroyed, but the magic of Ignotus Peverell's statue had replaced them with a semi-transparent bluish glow that was as solid as a rock. Lily surprised herself when she realized she wasn't afraid to climb them, even though they were already very far from the ground.

At last they stepped out through a stone arch to what used to be a balcony, and now only a broken ledge remained. It looked over a ravine filled with dense trees that slipped toward a peaceful village surrounded by cliffs and hills. Beyond it the ocean stretched in all directions, huge and empty in the golden afternoon light. A sweet salty briez was blowing, carrying screaming gulls.

Lily had no more words to express her amazement at the beauty before her. Potter sat down on the edge of the stone ledge and she sat down next to him, not taking her eyes off the wonderful view, afraid that if she would look away it would disappear forever.

"That's Godric's Hollow," Potter told her, pointing to the red roofs of the village. "According to the legend, Godric Gryffindor was born and buried there. And that's... The ocean..."

"I can see that," Lily said with a grin. She looked at him and the amusement left her.

The way he was looking at her made the thoughts jumble in her head. It was like that evening in the car, only much more intense – so intense that she felt his gaze could melt her.

This time he didn't delay. The next moment he was kissing her. She didn't think about retreating, not for a moment, though she was too stunned to do anything in response.

She had no experience in it at all. The first and last time someone kissed her was a few months earlier, after the spring ball. Her date for the ball was a seventh year from Ravenclaw. After he kissed her outside the common room she told him good- night quickly and ran inside, feeling as if she had done something terrible. The next day she broke up with him, and they didn't speak again.

But this kiss was different. It was worm, sure, loving in every way. It felt right, as if it were an integral part of the corrected sequence of history.

After a few seconds that felt very long he let her go reluctantly, and she surprised herself immeasurably when she leaned forward and kissed him again. He kissed her back with an enthusiasm that caught her unprepared, wrapping his arms around her and bringing her closer to him. It made her lose her concentration on the kiss; She tilted her head and the corner of his glasses stabbed her forehead.

"Sorry," he mumbled as she recoiled, taking off his glasses and placing them in his shirt pocket. Then their eyes met and both of them chuckled.

"You have no idea how long I wanted to do that," he said, his breath tickling her cheek. They were still very close, and Lily surprised herself by not wanting to run away from that foreign closeness. His body spread a pleasant warmth and he smelled good, a combination that made her feel like her belly was full of hot honey.

She couldn't speak, only to smile at her knees. He took her hand and pressed it to the left side of his chest. She could feel his heart pounding hard, as if he just ran a maraton.

"That can't be healthy," she joked to ease the tension.

"It's been happening to me for years," he replied. "So how long do you think I've got left, Doctor?"

She laughed. Then she tried to put her head on his shoulder, and discovered that the feeling was consoling and pleasant. He put his arm around her shoulders, protecting her naked skin against the ocean breeze. Her heart was also unusually loud.

Lily's mother used to tell her that everyone were beautiful in their own way, because the real beauty came from within. It taught her how to see the true nature of people and not to be misled by their appearance. That was the reason she refused to run around after the popular girls at school, the reason she didn't shy away from Severus' tattered appearance when she first met him, like her sister did, and that was why she hadn't been immediately taken by James Potter's looks when he first became interested in her in their fourth year.

But now that she knew him better, his inner self shed a new light on him. She had learned that he was an avid history lover, a loyal friend, sensitive to people who were important to him and determined to do good. She loved the delicacy with which he smiled at her as she spoke, how he tried to make her laugh at any moment, the way he touched her hair sensitively, as if it had a life of it's own. All these qualities made it possible for her to open her eyes and realize that despite her obstinate ignorance over the years, James was quite handsome. She realized that she liked the way the sun entangled in the black hairs that grew at every direction, the golden sparks that shimmered in the brown and the green of his eyes when he smiled, and that he had the most beautiful lips she had ever seen.

Time passed quickly, slipping over them like water while they were immersed in a world of their own, talking very little and yet saying a lot. At last the sun kissed the ocean and the world began to darken quickly.

"We should go back," Lily said, "We'll be late for dinner."

"Let's stay a little longer," James muttered against her lips, kissing her lightly. When he realized that she wasn't kissing him back he opened his eyes and gave in. "Alright, let's go."

Inside the fortress the bustle died down. The specter children fell asleep in a hay stack in the corner, and the adults were sitting around the fire, talking and playing music without making a sound. As soon as James stepped outside the door the images melted away and the ruined hall remaind in darkness. The ghosts have returned to their graves. The thought saddened Lily, but she was immediately encouraged when they were outside and James entangled his fingers with hers. Somehow it made her know that nothing ever really dies.

"How do you think Mrs. Chambers will react?" She said as they walked in the twilight.

"Maybe she'll have a hard time accepting it at first," James said, "But ultimately she'll realize that I'm just too young for her – "

He laughed when Lily bumped into him. "Be serious for a second!"

"Well, seriously – she can be a little protective, but she'll accept it."

Somehow seemed to know that the matter made her uncomfortable, because he added in a comforting tone, "Is it about work? Because I meant it when I said you don't have to worry –"

"That's not it," Lily said sharply, and immediately regretted her impatient tone. "I'm sorry – "

"Nothing of it," he replied, tightening his hold around her – again reading her like and open book and sensing that she didn't want to talk about it.

Lily was grateful for that. She liked him very much, but it didn't mean that she was willing to take from him money that she hadn't earned.

For the first time since what had happened in Petunia's house, she realized that she would never get to see the fruits of her work. She sent every sickle she earned to Petunia so she could take care of their father, but he lived with her and her husband now, in a house that Lily was unable to return to. In a few weeks she would go back to Hogwarts, and then who knows when she will see her father again?

The thought that maybe that day, when she frightened him so much, was the last time she would see her father alive made her shiver with pain.

"You alright?" James asked her softly.

"Yes. It's starting to get cold," she made an excuse, hugging herself.

He pulled her gently against him. "We're almost home," he said in a soft voice that warmed her from the inside.


	12. Chapter 12

The next few days passed like a dream for Lily. Between her evenings spent in front of the fireplace in the library with James and daydreaming about him during the day, her feelings for him grew stronger and faster than she ever thought was possible for her. She waited impatiently for the warm smile he would send her at breakfast when he would come in late, for the hasty kisses that would share in the empty rooms during the day when they knew they were alone, their long conversations that went on into the night, the way he drummed his fingers on her shoulder as they listened to music together. These things made her so happy that she didn't even mind that Black made vomiting imitations when they were together, and that they were still hiding their relationship from the rest of the household staff.

On Sunday she could barely concentrate on the sermon. She scolded herself for not listening as she left the cool church and arrived into the sunlit morning, but immediately forgot all about it when she saw James waiting for her outside the church, leaning against the red car.

"What are you doing here?" She asked with a trace of suspicion, while unable to hide her smile.

"It's your day off, so I thought we could go to the beach," he replied, giving her a fluttering kiss.

"I don't have a bathing suit..."

"You don't need one."

He laughed as she tried to hit him on the shoulder. Her face became very hot at the inappropriate suggestion.

"I meant we didn't have to go swimming, but if you have other ideas – "

She stuck out her tongue, knowing she couldn't escape the embarrassment in any other way. He hugged her and kissed the frown off her lips, dissolving all her resistance immediately.

"So, what do you say?"

Lily decided to give up. "Only if I'm driving. No magic."

James agreed without hesitation, and they drove down the country roads toward the ocean. The memories of her driving lessons with her father came back to Lily as soon as she sat behind the wheel, and she remembered why she used to love driving so much; The sense of speed and control was unique. It helped her understand why James liked flying so much.

They had spent the whole morning walking on the beach, letting the cool water lick their bare feet. When they got tired they lay down on the warm sand, and for some reason Lily didn't care that her dress was getting dirty and her hair getting filled with sand.

James hung his glasses on the collar of his shirt and closed his eyes calmly against the sun. Lily took the opportunity to look at him without him knowing, without him smiling at her or trying to make her laugh. His eyelashes fluttered against his cheek, and she was transfixed by the almost hidden movement of the muscles in his face as he breathed and moved slightly. A white butterfly fluttered across his face. At this point she must have exposed herself, because he opened one eye to look at her.

"Are you staring at me?" He said in a hoarse voice that made something vibrate deep inside her.

"And if I am?" She answered, holding hif gaze with determination.

"Then I'm obliged to stare back at you," he replied, and after a moment of stubborn eye contact he rolled over and kissed her passionately.

For a very short moment she felt uncomfortable, and then she gave herself to the new, sweeping feeling, allowing her head to rest against the sand. She put her arms around his chest, feeling the heat radiating from his skin through the shirt, and the next moment they were pressed together against the sand. A small voice in the back of her head told her to pull back, that she shouldn't behave like that, that she has to guard herself, but the feelings he aroused in her were as loud as the sound of the ocean in her ears, drowning every other sound.

After a long time lying in the sun they both agreed that they were particularly thirsty. James suggested they have lunch at an inn in Godric's Hollow, and Lily surprised herself immensely when she agreed. He sent a stag shaped Patronus to his friends to cover their absence to Mrs. Chambers, and for some reason Lily didn't feel as bad about lying as she would have expected.

The inn in Godric's Hollow was a classic English bar, full of groups of chatting friends and several families. Everyone seemed to know each other there, and Lily felt like she was wrapped in a mantle of kindness and warmth as she sat at a corner table opposite to James. People that passed by their table smiled at them for no apparent reason, and when James kissed her hand as she spoke she felt like the most beautiful girl in the room.

The way back home was long because James insisted that she teach him to drive like a Muggle, and by the time they left the village the engine had been turned off every few minutes. But James continued to try doggedly, and finally managed to get them home without colliding with anything.

Lily was tired, her dress was wrinkled and her hair was full of sand; So she felt a tremendous relief when James came back out after inspecting the kitchen and the dining room and informed her that the coast was clear. They sneaked in like two naughty children and walked quietly toward their rooms. They would have made it safely if only Black hadn't noticed them as they passed the sitting room.

"You owe us big time, love birds," he said in a particularly loud voice.

James groaned. He pulled the embarrassed Lily into the sitting room and closed the door before Black could keep shouting. He and Pettigrew were in the middle of a chess game and Remus was reading on a nearby armchair.

"You're just dying she'll hear you, aren't you?" James said to his noisy friend.

"Yeah," Black said without a trace of gentleness as Pettigrew's bishop threw one of his soldiers off the board. "It would save us inventing stories to cover up for you. Just tell her already."

"Where did you tell her we were?" Lily asked, not wanting to start up that discussion with Black.

"Moony told her you had to go back and close loose ends at the Ministry," Black said, concentrating on his next move.

Lily smiled at Remus with gratitude. He smiled back at her over his book.

"So I'll see you in the evening?" She said to James, desperate to get to her room and take a shower.

"Sure," he said at once, not noticing that his three friends were looking at him strangely. Black cleared his throat. "What?"

"The Quidditch World Cup. It's tonight." Black spoke as if James had forgotten his own name.

"I'm pretty sure it's next week," James replied, with that starting a heated debate about the final's date. Lily took the opportunity to part with him by touching the shoulder and leaving them to their arguments.

 

In the end James was the one who made the mistake, and the game did take place that evening. Lily was able to hear the Marauders very well every time their team scored a goal. She spent the evening in the library, planning to look for books to help her finish her homework, but instead found herself being sucked into a series of books about pure- blood families in Britain. She found the Peverell's family, which had grown horribly thin over the years until it reached a wizard named Henry Potter, a member of the Wizengamot, who was James' grandfather. In another book was a family tree that spread over nearly a dozen pages of the descendants of Salazar Slytherin, which included many families whose children had studied with Lily at school, such as the Malfoys and the Blacks. A narrow, very marginal branch was dedicated to the Princes, whom Lily knew were related to Severus from his mother's side.

Lily, who knew nothing about her family's history, was impressed by the meticulous documentation of all the descendants for so many generations. She began to understand why pure bloods were so proud of their origin. Perhaps she would have been proud of her family too if she had known that her ancestors had established important organizations or won fateful battles.

The books were fascinating, but as the evening wore on they made her feel a paralyzing sadness, so she decided at once to put them back and not look at them again. There were wizards for whom the purity and honor of their families were important enough to kill for.

Severus couldn't let go of the fact that his mother gave up the honor and power of a pure- blood family to marry his father, a Muggle, a man who hurt her and abused her. Was the humiliation so bad that he felt that he had to prove himself to superior pure- bloods? Did he think it would make his mother proud?

She turned off the lights in the library and went back to her room, determined to sleep and forget about Severus' tragedies. She had just finished changing when a knock on her window startled her so much that she had to cover her mouth to stop a scream. With her wand in her hand, she peered carefully between the curtains. She felt immediate relief when she saw it was James.

"You almost gave me a heart attack," she scolded him as she opened the window to the cool night.

"Sorry," he said, though his smile made it clear that he wasn't really sorry at all, and that he he enjoyed surprising her. "I didn't want Mrs. Chambers to catch me."

"So you thought it was a good idea to knock on my window in the middle of the night?" Lily said, still a little anxious.

"Be grateful I decided to skip the serenade," he replied, making her laugh and forget her anger with great talent. She leaned out the window and let him kiss her.

"I felt bad for stranding you tonight," he said as they broke apart, revealing a colorful box that he'd been hiding behind his back. "So I brought you these. It was extremely difficult to salvage them from Moony, so you better enjoy them."

"You don't need to feel bad," Lily said, receiving the chocolate box from him. She didn't like chocolate particularly, but the gesture still improved her mood remarkably. "So who won?"

"Russia, two hundred and ten to ninety. It was pretty obvious if you ask me, but Sirius was sure France was going to win and he made a bet with Peter. Now he has to do his Potions homework."

"Good, it's healthy for him to lose from time to time," Lily said, and they both laughed. To herself she thought that Peter deserved to win sometimes, too.

A cold breeze made her shudder and tighten her robe around her. When she looked up she found out that James was looking at her again with that look of his, as if she were a unique and beautiful phenomenon. The worst thing was that he didn't even blink when she caught him looking.

"Aren't you cold?" She asked, trying to get him to stop. He was wearing only a thin shirt, it's collar fluttering in the breeze.

"It depends," he replied with a cheeky smile, "If I say I am you'll let come inside?"

She tried hard to keep a straight face even though she felt she was blushing.

"No," she replied decisively, crossing her arms.

"You're sure? I'm not going to be home tomorrow, you're going to miss me," he said contentedly, leaning forward on the windowsill.

"You sound quite confident," she replied in the manner of their old bickering, trying to hide the fact that he was charming her.

"I just know I'm going to miss you," he said with sudden modesty, subduing her stiffness once and for all. She cupped his face and kissed him with devotion.

"Where are you going tomorrow?" She asked softly as the kiss ended.

"I have a mission from the Order," James replied, the dreamy look in his eyes slowly fading into something more serious. "I can't really talk about it..."

"It's all right," Lily replied sympathetically, still cupping his face. "I understand. You can't let the information fall into the wrong hands."

"Really? Sirius said I'm a pretentious git because I wouldn't tell him,"

"Good thing he's not your girlfriend."

"Yeah, I told him it wouldn't be a good idea." They both laughed at the notion. Then James looked into her eyes and said in a much softer voice, "And besides, I'm in love with someone else..."

She looked down in embarrassment, resting her head against his forehead. James didn't urge her to say anything in reply, he just took her cool hands and cupped them between his warm ones.

They stood there for a few moments, bathing in pleasant silence, until something stirred in the trees and startled them. James lit the end of his wand and scaned the roots of the apple trees. Lily thought she saw the tip of a hairy tail, but it disappeared before she could be sure.

"Probably a rabbit or a genome," James said at last, putting his wand back in his pocket. "I tell Maxwell to take care of it tomorrow."

Then they wished each other a good night, shared a last kiss, and he disappeared into between thin trees.

Smiling to herself, Lily closed the window and the drapes, turned off the light and got into bed. She just closed her eyes, trying to stop smiling and relax a little, when there was another tap on the window. Convinced that it was James who had returned, she didn't bother to turn on the light when she drew the curtains again. This time she really cried out when she spotted the man outside her window. It wasn't James, but Black.

"I'll thank you if you would refrain from shouting," he said when she opened the window for the second time that night.

"What are you doing here? Where's James?" She demanded to know, not trying to speak quietly.

Black hushed her urgently. "Prongs doesn't know I'm here – "

"I'll call Mrs. Chambers," Lily threatened him angrily.

"No, wait!" He stopped her in genuine panic. "Listen to me first. I heard him telling you about his mission tomorrow – "

"You were spying us?"

"I wasn't looking," he replied defiantly, as if he thought she was accusing him for something he didn't do. "And I tried not to listen... You're a really sticky couple, you know that?"

Lily snatched her wand from her nightstand.

"Sorry, alright?" He called, backing away from her raged expression. "I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't so important that we talked. I really didn't enjoy it, if you had any doubt."

Lily lowered her wand. Her suspicion that perhaps Black was trying to prank her dissolved in the sight of his serious expression.

"What happened?" She asked uneasily.

"We need your help," he said. "Moony didn't want to get you involved, and believe me that I would rather do it myself, but he'll suspect right away – "

"You're not making any sense."

Black shook his head, as if he could make the words line up in a logical order in his head.

"It's James," He said finally,"We think he's going to do something dangerous."

Lily hugged herself, suddenly feeling the night getting colder.

"Are you talking about his mission?" She said calmly, convincing herself that Black was just being dramatic. "I'm sure Dumbledore wouldn't have given him – "

"Dumbledore didn't give him this task," Black said in a hushed voice, confidently. "Think about it. From the very beginning he told him that he wanted him to keep an eye at Hogwarts for him, because it was the most sensible job to give him. So why send him to do something now, when he has a lot of other older and more experienced wizards and witches?"

Lily shook her head. "He must have a good reason .."

She said the words, but she wasn't sure she believed in them. She tought about Dumbledore. What task could he give James? Black was right, there must be much more experienced wizards in his Order... Also, she remembered what he had said that day in Mr. Potter's study, that James was an exaption because he usually wouldn't exept students to his Order. That said, she was sure he would make great efforts to keep James away from danger...

Black looked at her uncompromisingly. A pain began to develop in her stomach.

"James wouldn't lie to us," she said, thinking –  _he wouldn't lie to me..._

Something that looked like pity crossed Black's face, but disappeared before she could get angry, morphing into a businesslike look.

"Look, I know you're at this stage in the relationship were everything looks perfect," he said in a very surprising maturity, "But he's already hidden his plans from us in the past. I don't see why he won;t do it again."

"How can you say that? You're supposed to be his best friend," Lily snapped at him, the frightening situation making her nervous.

"That's exactly how I know when he isn't telling the whole truth," Black replied without flinching. "Prongs is good at pretending that everyhing's alright, but I know when he's only pretending."

When Lily still refused to listen he added with an astonishingly emotional note, "He isn't doing it out of spite, or because he doesn't trust you. Believe me, he does. It's just his way of protecting you."

Lily took a rustling breath. Did her feelings appear so clearly on her face, or did Black have the same talent as James to know exactly what she was thinking and feeling at any given moment?

Finally she nodded. "Alright, I'll talk to him."

"I didn't ask you to talk to him."

Lily was surprised. "So ...?"

A hint of a mischievous smile passed over Black's face, but disappeared almost immediately. "I want you to follow him."

Lily was shocked.

"Don't give me that look," He said at the look in her face, in a tone that made it clear that he understood exactly what was wrong with his request." If we try to talk to him he'll just deny everything, and then he would suspect and do something stupid so we wouldn't be able to help him. Someone needs to follow him and make sure her doesn't get into trouble."

"Why me?" Lily demanded.

"Because if the three of us won't be there when he leaves he'll know what we're up tp," Black explained. "Even Moony agrees. Prongs knows what we're capable of. But you can pretend you have to work – "

"I don't need to pretend, I really have to work," Lily interrupted him angrily.

"We'll take care of Mrs. Chambers," he reassured her, another move to persuade her to take part in his plan. "You just have to worry about being close enough to him to know where he's Apperating to –"

"And how exactly am I supposed to do that without him seeing me?" Lily demanded, and quickly added, "Assuming I'll agree at all."

"We'll take care of everything," Black said with unending confidence, and then, closing his argument with irritating persuasion, he added, "All you have to do is be there for James."

Lily pushed her hair away from her face. It was cruel of him to use her worry and affection for James like that, and he did it so well that she was so worried she couldn't even be angry at him.

"I need to think about it," she said at last.

"Don't think too long," Black said hotly, "He's leaving right after breakfast."

Lily closed the window in his face and pulled the curtains, left alone with the fears and anxieties he had embedded in her.

She was so afraid of losing James. It wasn't fair that something would happen to him now, just when she understood how precious he was to her. But would following him without his knowledge be the right thing to do? Maybe she should ignore his friends' opinions and just talk to him? After all, he would never lie to her...

Right?

She couldn't sleep, thoughts darting in her head in an unbearable noise. So she knelt on the carpet in the darkness and began to pray.


	13. Chapter 13

Lily woke up after a few hours of sleep into the darkness before the dawn. Lying in bed, her decision finally materialized, as if she had pondered it in her haunted dreams.

She was angry at Black for putting her in that situation, and at Remus, who didn't stop him from planting the doubt in her heart. Nonetheless, she decided that she would take part in their dangerous plan. She would find out where James was going and with whom, and as soon as she realized that Black had made a mistake and James wasn't hiding anything, she would reveal herself and tell him the whole truth. He would probably be angry with her, even if most of the blame would fall on his friends, but she knew that in the end he would calm down and forgive her. She had no doubt that he would forgive her. After all, she was just trying to keep him safe.

She was too nervous to eat anything at breakfast. The unease turned into a stinging sense of guilt as James walked into the dining room and smiled at her. He wore a dark robe that didn't match the sunny weather or his wardrobe, making him look older than his age. She watched him as he took his place at the head of the table, trying to figure out if he might be hiding something from her. She didn't know, and it frightened her.

The fear got a little stronger when she made eye contact with Black, who entered with Pettigrew a few moments later. He understood the meaning of her gaze immediately.

"I'll go bring Moony a cup of tea," he informed everyone.

James nodded at him as he filled his plate, and Lily couldn't understand how he doesn't notice how tense and suspicious Pettigrew looked. Black, on the other hand, seemed calm and calculating. Behind James' back he motioned Lily to follow him.

Lily felt a suffocating sense of pressure. She looked at James, who was leafing through the newspaper, the steaming food on his plate neglected. After a few moments she told Mrs. Chambers that she was going to start cleaning the drawing room and left, the lie weighing on her heavily. James caught up with her at the bottom of the stairs.

"Hey, where are you running to?"

"I have a lot to do today," she said, avoiding direct eye contact.

"All right," he said, her secret not revealed to him even though she felt that he could read her like an open book if he wanted to. "I'm going out soon. See you tonight?"

"Of course," Lily replied, a cold needle piercing her heart as he gently kissed her on the lips. "Just... Be careful."

"Don't worry about me, Lily," he said with a captivating confidence. If she wouldn't have known better, she would have believed him.

"I can't help it," she said heavily.

His smile faded a little. He cupped the back of her neck with his hand, rubbing the roots of her hair with a gesture that was supposed to be loving and soothing, but it only made Lily tense.

"Everything will be all right. You'll see," he said softly. If she hadn't been bound by guilt, all her worries would have melted away. "As soon as I can, I'll tell you everything that happened. I promise."

Lily nodded, not saying that by then it might be too late.

Afraid that if she stayed there for another moment she would reveal the whole truth to him, she gave him a last kiss and hurried up the stairs. Only when she was out of sight did she feel she could breathe again.

She looked for Black in James's room, and then, when she couldn't find him there, in the guest rooms. Finally she found him in a nearby room, sitting on the edge of the bed. Remus sat on it in his pajamas, his back against the headboard and his knees pressed against his chest. He looked very ill. After a brief reflection, she realized that it had been almost a month since she had encountered him in the form of a wolf – the full moon was coming again.

"Lily..." He began after a few seconds of tense silence, as if he wanted to apologize but couldn't find the words.

Lily shook her head, signaling that she didn't want to hear it right now. She was afraid that if she talked about what she was going to do she would get frightened and take it back. "What's the plan?"

Black wasted no time, pulling out a package that was hidden under the bed. When he unfolded it Lily realized that it was a cloak, translucent and thin as cobwebs, glowing like water in the moonlight. It was beautiful.

"It's an Invisibility Cloak," Black said, not without a trace of satisfaction. "That's how you'll follow him."

Lily came over and touched the cloth with her fingertips, fascinated. It was cool and slippery like water, not at all like cloth.

"That's how you did it?" She asked, the realization sinking into her. "That's how you pulled all these pranks without being caught?"

"Yeah, even though we became more sophisticated over the years," Black said proudly.

"You're the only one apart from the four of us who knows about it, except for James' parents," Remus told her.

"It belongs to James?"

"I told you you were one of us now," Black said, trying to ignore the question. Lily took that as a 'yes'.

Was she supposed to feel hurt that James hadn't told her about this object? She began to think that she wasn't, because apparently they didn't know each other as well as she thought. It made her begin to wonder what other secrets James was hiding from her, and the thought made her sick.

Her dark thoughts probably reflected on her face, because Black stopped trying to make her feel better. He covered her shoulders with a cloak and pulled the hood over her head. Under the cloak there was a cool, protected feeling, a partition of transparent cloth separating her from the world. When she looked at the mirror, she saw that she disappeared.

"What are you going to tell Mrs. Chambers?" She asked, now feeling secure and protected enough to talk about the plan.

"We'll keep her busy so she won't notice that you're gone," Black said, "And don't worry, we'll take turns cleaning. She's not going to suspect anything. Concentrate on watching over Prongs."

Lily nodded before she remembered that they couldn't see her.

"Alright, I'm going."

"Good luck," Remus said.

She left the room, hyper aware of her movements, and went down to the dining room while making a supreme effort to step silently. She entered the room and no one acknowleged her presence. She stood in the corner, amazed. There was tremendous comfort in the possibility to be invisible, and also a kind of addictive power.

After a few minutes Remus and Black followed her, taking their places next to James and Pettigrew. They were both very quiet, and if James hadn't been particularly interested in the paper he surely would have noticed that something was wrong.

Finally he folded the newspaper with a rustling noise and stood up decisively, announcing that he had to leave. The household workers said good-byes and his friends wished him luck. He parted with them with a carefree smile and left. Lily hurried after him.

He stepped out the front door and slammed it behind him. Realizing in frustration that it would be much harder than she had thought, she waited a few minutes and followed him, shutting the door quietly. He was already walking down the path, but he must have heard the sound of the door because he turned around. For a brief, frightening moment she thought he could see her, but then he turned and kept on walking.

He acrossed the estate with a quick stride, and Lily had to almost run to catch up. He waved to Maxwell, who was sitting in a chair in front of his house, and left the grounds. Lily slipped out of the gate before it closed and prepared her wand, her heart beating fast. James Apperated, unaware that she was waiting for it, and she managed to catch the spell just in time and follow it.

When they reached their destination she almost stumbled. Her legs peeked from under the cloak for a moment but luckily James was standing with his back to her. They stood in a very narrow alleyway, and outside was the familiar bustle of Diagon Alley.

James went out into the main street and began walking without delay, forcing Lily to struggle against the other shoppers in an effort not to lose him in the crowd. After a few minutes he went into the store. Lily hurried to the window, afraid to lose him inside, and managed to see him talking to the wizard behind the counter, where dozens of bottles in various colors and sizes were displayed. It was a liquor store. The vendor picked a bottle full of amber fluid and passed it to James in a sack. He paid and left.

His next stop was a tobacco shop a short distance away. This time Lily managed to slip in before the door closed, finding herself surrounded by the heavy, dense smell of tobacco. Again, James went over to the shop owner, talked to him briefly and then asked him about tobacco. Then they went into the back room together, and Lily was alone in the shop. Just as she began to worry that it might have been a trick to avoid being followed, the two returned and James paid the owner for a a small bag.

After adding the purchase to the sack with the bottle of whiskey, James went back into the street and walked on. Lily was getting confused. She didn't reckon James was a drinker, and she knew for certain that he didn't smoke tobacco.

The longer they walked the narrower the streets became, and the crowd was replaced by a few people who went back and forth in a fast stride, absorbed in their business. The shops became less and less luxurious, and the cafes and ice cream parlors turned into closed pubs. James walked along the side of the road, and as they entered the shadow of one of the buildings he pulled the hood of his robe over his head and slipped into a descending staircase.

The sun couldn't penetrate into the narrow passage between the buildings grew taller and taller as they descended. Lily's suspicions grew louder as to where they where going. When the stairs ended in a winding and neglected alley she had no doubt – they were in Knockturn Alley.

James managed to blend in among the gloomy passersby in his dark cloak, his head uncharacteristically low, trying not to stand out. Lily, walking close behind him among the puddles and wizards who smelled of potions and dust, saw his figure change before her eyes. Suddenly his back looked like a stranger's. The tiny hope that Dumbledore may still appear there and everything will turn out to be part of his plan has faded. She had no doubt that the Headmaster wouldn't have sent James to that place alone.

After a few long minutes of walking James turned to a narrow, neglected side alley and knocked on a peeling black wooden door. The bronze hatch opened with a click and reveled a large, penetrating eye that examined James from head to toe. He didn't seem bothered by it.

"Open up!" He called when the eye lingered on him, still pounding on the door with his fist.

The door opened and there stood a creature who might have been a troll if he hadn't been closer to human dimensions, dressed in tacky human clothes. He gave such a sour stench that Lily had to cover her nose. James made a face and coughed, not giving in to the urge to do the same.

"What do you want?" A voice was asked from behind the troll.

"I'm here to do business," James said, trying to see the speaker but failing, as did Lily.

"You have no business here, boy."

The troll turned to close the door but James stopped it roughly with his hand.

"Tell him James Potter wants to see him."

For a moment nothing happened, and then the troll moved aside. James went into the dark space, Lily following immediately. The troll slammed the door behind her and she slipped under his arm to the corner of the room, feeling she might pass out from the stench.

The room was empty except for a table full of bottles and cards and some chairs. Blue smoke hung near the dark ceiling, filling the space with a burnt smell of tobacco. There were no windows or doors. At the table sat two menacing men who inspected at James doubtfully.

"You alone?" The wizard who spoke earlier said, as his partner stood up and approached James. Lily held his wand ready, though James did not.

"Does it look like there's anyone else here?"

"Don't be a smart mouth," the wizard who came up to him snarled and grabbed the bag from his hand, taking out the whiskey and tobacco. He seemed very pleased with himself, throwing the tobacco to his partner and opening the bottle. He sniffed it with satisfaction and took a long swing.

"That's, uh –" James started and fell silent as the wizard looked at him threateningly, daring him to resist.

"Well, I guess you can take it," he said, surrendering. Lily was amazed at his acting skills. The James she knew would never let anyone treat him that way. But now it served he's purpose, causing the wizards to think that they were stronger than him and that he wasn't a threat. Only a foolish boy.

"What kind of business do you have here?" The wizard at the table questioned him, filling his pipe with the fine tobacco he had just bought.

James shrugged, sticking to the act of the dumb teenager. "I'm looking for an investment. I've heard Mr. Dolohov knows his gallons."

The wizards exchanged skeptical glances. The troll grunted by the door.

"What?" James cut the tension in the air with his stupid question. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

He knew exactly why, and so did Lily. This Dolohov was undoubtedly a Death Eater, a supporter of Voldemort, and therefore connected to the murder of James' parents. They were trying to figure out whether they could be sure he didn't know it, and that he was actually there for business.

"Fine, let him in," The wizard at the table said as he lit the pipe.

The other wizard turned to the far wall and tapped his wand on one of the coarse bricks. The wall rattled and then the bricks sled to the sides, revealing polished wooden steps.

James thanked the wizard heartily and started climbing. Lily manged to follow the strange wizard a second before the passage closed. They climbed the candlelit staircase to a wooden door. The wizard tapped it with his wand,and it opened, revealing a grand lounge. When she was inside and the wizard closed the door Lily realized that it was actually a big picture of a lush landscape.

A man in his forties was reading the newspaper in an armchair in front of the fireplace. He was wearing a luxurious robe and his pale fingers carried gold and silver rings. his pale face was stiff, his dark eyebrows thick but neat, his hair pulled back over his head without a hair falling out of place. There was no doubt that he was very rich, a pure- blood, and especially proud of it.

He didn't look surprised to see James, watching him with great suspicion over the paper. James approached him with an outstretched hand, but the bodyguard grabbed his shoulder rudely and stopped him.

James didn't let it undermine his confidence. "It's nice to meet you, Mr. Dolohov," he said politely from a distance. "My name is James Potter – "

"I know who you are," Dolohov cut him off with grave seriousness.

"Excellent," James went on, oblivious to the hostility of his interlocutor. "Can I have a sit? I was hoping I could convince you invest in my new venture."

Dolohov didn't seem convinced. "I knew your parents," he said without a trace of kindness.

"I know," James replied, slightly more serious. "I know you weren't on good terms, but it doesn't have to hurt our professional relationship. I'm very different from my parents when it comes to business."

Dolohov folded the paper and set it aside with great importance, beginning to be convinced that James had really come to make a business offer. He motioned to his bodyguard and the man took a step back, sipping from the bottle of whiskey he had confiscated from James and continuing to monitor the scene. James smiled at him and nodded gratefully.

"What is your offer, Mr. Potter?" Dolohov said half- heartedly, peering at his expensive watch. "Try to be brief, I have a meeting at the Ministry in half an hour."

James smiled at him, folding his arms behind his back and peering at the carpet, as if considering his words.

"Well?" Dolohov hurried him impatiently.

James grinned sheepishly. "I'm sorry. I just didn't think you'd be convinced that quickly."

Before Lily could figure out what was going on, a lot of things happened simultaneously; The bodyguard moaned and fainted, Dolohov sprang to his feet and cursed James just as James used a curse that Lily never saw before; Dolohov's curse froze in mid air, quivering and humming like a huge red glowing bee, and Dolohov himself was thrown back and floating in the air on his back, his armchair falling back. Before Lily could think about doing something it was all over.

James passed the bright spot of light in the middle of the room and went to where Dolohov hovered horizontally in the air, watching James with hatred. James smiled at him contentedly, snatched his wand from his hand, and picked up the fallen armchair.

"It's your loss that you weren't on better terms with my parents," he said to Dolohov nonchalantly. "My mother invented that curse, you know. Very useful. Don't expect anything to happen, it's not an offensive curse, so none of your defenses have been activated, and your other bodyguards won't be coming." He nodded to the fainted wizard, now lying in a puddle of whiskey. "And a piece of advice – if get the chance, hire more professional workers."

Dolohov didn't speak. James stood over him, hiding him from Lily's eyes. She moved quietly, approaching the scene, curious and frightened. What was James going to do to him?

"You have nothing to say?" He went on with a cold voice. "You're probably trying to figure out how much I know, so I'll spare you the trouble – I know everything. I know you're in Voldemort's inner circle –"

"How dare you?" Dolohov hissed venomously, biting like a snake. "You don't have the right to call him by his name!"

"You know, people take the name thing a bit too seriously," James spoke naturally, but couldn't hide gloom rooted in his words. "Now, if you don't want to be late for your appointment, I suggest that you start telling me where to find him."

Dolohov looked at James as if he had lost his mind. Then he began to laugh. "You want to meet the Dark Lord? Don't worry, boy, he'll make sure to find you – " He made a gagging sound and stopped talking.

"That's not what I want to hear," James told him as if he were a little boy who couldn't answer a simple question. Dolohov's eyes bulged out in their sockets. "I don't have all day, so that's what we'll do – every time you start telling me things that don't interest me, I'll do this. It's not pleasant, is it? Feels like your tongue's tangled up? So let's try again – were is Voldemort hiding?"

The lounge door opened without warning. "Mr. Dolohov, the Minister –"

Lily noticed Lucius Malfoy in the doorway. His eyes widened as he realized what was going on, but before he could do anything James stupefied him.

At that moment the wooden floor groaned with a deafening noise. Dolohov crashed and his curse continued its movement and scorched the wall. Lily fell; The floor under her feet began to move like a storming sea. James was on the floor too. He managed to roll sideways in time to avoid Dolohov's curse, whom managed to retrieve his wand. Under his feet only the floor was stable. James tried to get up but fell again at once. Dolohov smirked in content and disarmed him.

"I'm sorry, you're not important enough to see the Dark Lord's face," he said viciously. "But do take comfort in the fact that you will see your parents very soon. _Avada_ –"

" _Petrificus Totalus!"_

Dolohov froze like a statue, the flash of death still in his eyes, which he turned toward Lily a fraction of a second before the spell hit him. James turned in her direction like a whip. The cloak slid off her as she lay on the shaking floor.

They stared at each other for a few moments. Lily couldn't think of a single word to say, especially since they weren't out of danger yet.

"Did he see you?" Was all James demanded to know, breathing heavily.

Lily wasn't sure. She had no way of knowing. She tried to find the words to say it, but James already lost his patient – "Did he see you or not!?"

"I don't know!" Lily cried out in distress.

James cursed sharply. He tried to crawl toward the frozen figure of Dolohov to retrieve his wand, but the wooden floor pushed him back in high waves, protecting her master with devotion. Lily crawled toward the big painting, scrambling over the body of the fallen bodyguard, and tried to open the secret door. It was stuck. Her fear began to rise, and the pressure made it hard for her to think.

She didn't know that defensive spell, and didn't know how to reverse it. The room was designed so that the intruder couldn't escape, even if he managed to defeat the landlord. They were trapped.

Looking at James, who was struggling to get to his feet, she realized that the floor in front of the doorway was steady – where the guard lay the spell was not activated. In a desperate move, she raised his heavy arm with effort and pressed it to the painting. It opened with a click.

"James!"

James noticed that the passage had been opened, but he didn't move. He looked at Dolohov.

" _Acio_!" James' wand sprang into Lily's hand. "Come on!" She called out to James, unable to understand why he was still lingering. "Before somebody else comes!"

She crept into the passage. The stairs were steady. She stood up and looked at James expectantly. He studied Dolohov for another moment, then moved toward the opening with a quick crawl. He passed through the doorway and passed Lily without looking at her, running down the stairs.

"Cover your mouth," he said harshly a moment before they reached the bottom. The room downstairs was flooded with yellowish smoke, and the wizard and the troll were passed out. The smoking pipe was lying on the floor. James hurried past them and out the back door. Only when he was out he made sure that Lily was still following him and started running into the alley. Filled with guilt mixed with adrenaline, Lily rolled the Invisibility Cloak in her arms and ran after him.

 


	14. Chapter 14

They didn't speak until James was convinced they were far enough from Dolohov's house and that no one was following them, and even then he didn't look at Lily's face when he asked her to hold his arm.

"James – "

"We'll talk when we're safe," he interrupted. His cold tone of voice extinguished every trace of need to apologize she had, and she took his arm angrily.

They appeared outside the Potter family home. James opened the gate and motioned her into the protected area. Lily strode past him angrily, walking toward the house without waiting for him.

"Let me get it straight –" he called after her in a hard voice, " _You_ are mad at _me_?"

"Yes, I'm mad at you," Lily replied, turning toward him. He looked furious – even more than he had been when he discovered that she and his friends had eavesdropped on his conversation with Dumbledore – but his rage didn't come close to the terrible fire inside her. The worry and the fear were replaced by the need to shout at him until her voice faded, to make him realize how angry and hurt she was that had lied to her.

"You have no right," he said, beginning to raise his voice. He snatched the Invisibility Cloak from her arms. "I can't believe you're conspiring with my friends against me!"

"No one is conspiring against you!" Lily burst out, stunned that he thought that. "They just tried to protect you, and so did I!" A knot of terrible pain tightened in her chest. She wanted to burst into tears, but she stopped herself by sheer will – she wasn't going to let him see her cry now. "What would have happened if I hadn't been there!? James, he was going to kill you!"

James was silent. He stared at her face, which grew warmer by the minute, with rage and shame. A tear tried to evade her eye but she stopped it uncompromisingly.

"You saved my life," he admitted at last, continuing to look at her in the way that had always embarrassed her, and now was irritating. Then he looked away and became resentful again. "You should've talked to me before, I wouldn't have lied to you if you asked – "

"Don't make this my fault!" Lily's anger didn't fade. "If you really wanted to tell the truth, you would've done it last night! why did you lie?"

James had no answer. After facing her for a long time without speaking, he walked around her and went alone to the house. Lily watched him with growing fury, until finally she broke down and burst into silent tears. She did something wrong, there was no denying it. And it hurt. But not like it hurt her to see him walking away.

For almost an hour after they returned the shouting didn't stop. Mrs. Chambers, who, as promised, hadn't suspected for a moment that Lily hadn't been home all morning, sent her to find out what all the noise was.

Lily obeyed, though she knew exactly why they were shouting. She went to the main wing, where the shouts came from James' room. She leaned against the wall a few paces from the door, listening to the stormy quarrel with an aching heart. Hearing James yell hurt her, even though she kept telling herself that what happened wasn't her fault. She couldn't understand why it hurt her so much – not long ago she was the one who had screaming matches against him.

She jumped in panic as the door slammed open. Black burst out, passing her in the direction of the stairs without seeing her, blind with anger, holding a bag in his hand. After a few seconds Remus and Pettigrew followed him quietly, closing the door carefully behind them.

"You're leaving?" Lily couldn't believe her eyes when she saw they were carrying their bags too.

"He needs some time to calm down," Remus said. He seemed much calmer than Black, and yet he lacked his characteristic calm. Even he was angry at James, even if the tried to hide it. Pettigrew, on the other hand, looked like her didn't want to leave at all, looking back at the door hopefully.

"I'm sorry I have nowhere to go," Lily admitted, knowing she couldn't leave her job even if she had a home to go back to.

"No, you should stay. He's going to need you."

Lily shook her head, hugging herself. "He's angry with me."

"If that's what you think you never saw him really angry," Remus said with a bit of bitterness, gesturing to the room that a moment ago echoed with shouta and now was silent. "Give him until tonight. You'll see."

 

She took Remus' advice and waited patiently. She didn't see James for the rest of the day, which seemed horribly long. The house was frighteningly quiet without the happy presence of the Marauders.

James didn't show up for lunch or dinner. Mrs. Chambers reported that he was sick, and she too seemed troubled by his behavior. After dinner Lily went to sit in the library, their regular meeting place, and tried to keep herself busy by reading. But it was all too quiet, and she looked back at the door every few minutes, until it there was no use trying to read. She stared into the fire, adjusted the shelves, and looked at the moonlit countryside through the window. Nothing could calm her down, or make her stop thinking about the day's events. About how things could have happened differently, for better or for worse.

Nearing eleven o'clock she gave up waiting and went to her room sadly, losing the hope that James would appear. But when she came into her room and found him sitting on the windowsill in the dark she knew at once that she shouldn't have doubted it.

She moved cautiously, as if afraid he would jump out if she'll make a sharp move, and switched on the table lamp. He didn't look at her, as if the darkness outside the window was particularly fascinating.

She stood behind the back of the chair and wondered what to say. She thought of asking him how he got in there, but it was a stupid question, it was his house. So she thought to say she was sorry, but she wasn't ready to say it yet, because she really didn't think she should be sorry when all she wanted to do was to protect him.

Finally he was the one who spoke, "If you hadn't been there today I'd probably be dead now. So thank you for being there."

Remus was right, he wasn't angry at her. He simply couldn't express what he really wanted to tell her, and it made him distant and withdrawn.

His honesty and vulnerability caused her to break into tears. She no longer tried to stop them. Then she expressed the terrible fear that had dominated her since the night before, "I have no one except you now... I'm so scared of losing you..."

Her tears broke his resistance, or maybe it was her statement. In any case, she had never been so vulnerable before him – she never allowed herself to show anyone such vulnerability. He got up from the windowsill and pulled her gently to an embrace.

Lily clung to him tightly, burying her face in his chest and straining to listen to the beat of his heart, to make sure it was still there, strong and steady. He too was holding her as if a gust of wind might come and sweep her out of his arms at any moment. They never hugged each other like that, not only with affection, but an abysmal need to hold each other and not let anything separate them.

"I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you the truth," he said in a hushed voice over her head.

"You don't regret having gone there," Lily said in a choked voice, "You wouldn't have done it if you hadn't been sure that's what you had to do."

"I was sure. I knew that if I went there Dolohov would be looking for me, but I didn't care. But if he saw you there... He would be looking for you too..." His voice trailed off. "I should have killed him."

Lily shuddered, raising her head and making eye contact for the first time that evening. In his eyes she saw that he meant it completely. That look in the eyes that she loved so much frightened her. And the fact that he'd do it for her made it even more terrible.

"No, don't you even think about that," she said pleadingly, trembling. "You did the right thing – "

"I know," he interrupted in a desperate voice, backing away. "I know that if I killed him I wouldn't be any better than Voldemort... But I sat all day thinking what was going to happen now, and all I could think about was that I'd get up one morning and find you in this bed – " His voice broke. He bowed his head, hiding his face. It frightened her, even more than the things he said. "It could just happen, without any warning... I did so many stupid and dangerous things at school, terrible things could've happened to me in Hogwarts, and they never knew... But they didn't do anything, they were just sleeping in their bed, and someone decided that they needed to die..."

Only when he took off his glasses and covered his face with his hand did Lily realize that he was crying. The sight broke her heart into thousands of pieces. She hugged him with all her might. She was crying too – crying for James' parents, who were good and wise people who loved their son, and didn't deserve to die so horribly.

They held each other for a very long time. Mute tears continued to roll uncontrollably down her cheek, even though James was no longer crying; he was standing still, his head resting on hers.

"I'm sorry for what happened to them," she said at last, after she concluded that she never said that to him, even when he returned to Hogwarts after their funeral.

"Me too," he replied in a barely audible voice, "They would've liked you."

Lily smiled at his shoulder, beginning to caress his back. He seemed to relax, and it made her happy. She appreciated that he trusted her enough to be so vulnerable around her, but she didn't want to see him like that ever again. James had a lovely smile – he should have to smile all the time.

"Everything will be all right," he said at last. "We'll get through it."

"We will," Lily encouraged him. "We're safe here."

"That's right," he agreed with her, regaining his strength and slowly returning to himself. He disengaged from the embrace, leaving his hands on her hips, and looked at her face without fear.

Lily smiled at him, happy that they had made up. It wasn't all perfect – there were still some unresolved matters about what had happened that day – but she believed that now they could go through anything together.

"I want to show you something," James said suddenly, going to the windowsill and jumping out lightly. Lily climbed after him without asking questions, letting him help her down into the damp grass outside.

"Don't move," he said as he took a few steps back. She obeyed, happy to see the mischievous grin returning to his face.

The moon disappeared behind the clouds, leaving the world in total darkness. For a moment James disappeared into the shade of a tree, and something strange happened in the darkness. Lily narrowed her eyes to try to and understand what was going on. Then the moon reappeared, and she was startled when instead of James stood a silvery-white stag.

Lily covered her mouth to stop a gasp of astonishment. It was the stag that saved her from the werewolf, she had no doubt about it. He was so peaceful, so unique. Now it was clear why he hadn't been afraid of the wolf at all.

He approached her confidently, bending his head to look at her. His eye's gave her the same strange feeling of deja vu; James' eyes were looking at her from the animal's face.

She reached out and stroked his muzzle apprehensively, then more confidently, amazed by the power of the spell. The stag muttered contentedly and Lily chuckled. She picked a tiny green apple from a nearby tree and handed it to him. He took it in his mouth and immediately changed back to James, who was now standing with the apple in his mouth. Lily burst out laughing.

James tossed the apple aside, appearing particularly pleased with her reaction. "That's it. Now you know all my secrets."

" I can't believe it." Lily still couldn't fully internalize what had happened. It was James who saved her from Remus on the night of the full moon, which was why he had behaved strangely when she told him about it – not because he knew Remus was the wolf, but because he knew exactly what had happened to her. He was there. He was watching over her.

A million questions flooded her head. "You're an Animagus? But Professor McGonagall... How come you're not her favorite student?"

James ran his hand through his hair. "The truth is she doesn't know. Nobody knows. We're not registered."

Lily was shocked. "That illegal! I'm not talking about the Hogwarts rules, the real law!"

"We know, that's why we keep it a secret," James said calmly. "We did it when we were fifteen, so obviously we couldn't register, we were minors."

"We?" Lily realized that he was speaking in plural. "Don't tell me that..." But she didn't have to complete the sentence. These four did everything together, especially when it came to forbidden and dangerous things.

Another understanding settled in her. "That's the meaning of the names?"

James nodded contentedly. "I'm Prongs because I'm a stag, Sirius is a dog, Padfoot. Peter is a rat, and his tail looks a bit like a worm, we called him Wormtail. It was supposed to be a temporary name until we found something better, but it stuck – "

Lily surprised even herself when she cut him off with a kiss. He didn't object. During that terrible day she didn't even realize how much she missed him.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?" He asked when they broke apart, looking happy.

"For trusting me with your secret," she replied softly. She know how easy it could be to report them and get them into serious trouble, and James knew it too. Yet he didn't keep it from her. "Weren't you scared I'd freak out?"

"A little," he admitted with a grin, "A few months ago I certainly wouldn't have told you... But now I know you can keep a secret. Besides, you love me too much to let them send me to Azkaban."

Lily rolled her eyes. He was completely right.

he took her hands in his. "Let's make a deal, no secrets from now on." Lily agreed without hesitation. "Now, is there a secret you would like to share with me?"

Lily pondered the question. "In third year I had a crush on Todd McCraft from Hufflepuff."

James grimaced. "That's just embarrassing."

She tried to make an insulted face but failed because he picked her up and swung her around until she could do nothing but laugh.


	15. Chapter 15

They talked all night. Only when the first glow of sunrise began to seep under the curtain did they feel exhausted enough to finally sleep.

But even then Lily couldn't sleep. She felt warm and protected in James' arms, who held her close in her narrow bed that barely contained them both. Her body calmed down after the first few minutes of uncertainty, realizing that there was nothing wrong with them sleeping in the same bed, because she had never felt more safe anywhere in the world, knowing that James loved her and would never hurt her.

She longed for those feelings to accompany her to sleep, but she couldn't stop thinking about what had happened the day before. The murderous expression in Dolohov's eyes when he aimed the killing curse at James. She couldn't help but turn her ear to the absolute silence of the Potter family house and wonder if it was the same silence that had been there last September, just before Mr. and Mrs. Potter where murdered.

The sun was already shining, its pale light burning Lily's weary eyes. It was too late to try to fall asleep.

"James?" She asked quietly. James lay very still, his breathing steady, and she couldn't figure out whether he was asleep or not.

"Yeah?" He replied in a voice that made it clear that he hadn't been sleeping either.

She turned to him. His weary face looked as though it had aged by ten years overnight, but when he smiled at her his smile was as young and sincere as ever. His hair stuck out in all directions in an almost shrewd way that in her eyes was beautiful.

"You're going to write to your friends today?" She asked, wanting to talk about anything at all, as long as it kept the thoughts away.

"Maybe in a few days," he said. Lily realized that he was still a little angry at them. "Closer to the full moon. I want to be with you alone for a while."

Lily excepted his decision. "Alright. But you know what that means – you'll have to help with the housework. Boredom is dangerous for you."

James didn't seem to mind. He put his arms around her, resting his head over her head on the pillow. It scared her a little that he didn't have a cheeky replay.

She thought hard what she could say to cheer him up. He must have felt her discomfort, because he sat up abruptly and stretched.

"These mattresses are plain abuse. I would've done something about it if I knew," he said, trying to make the atmosphere lighter while getting out of bed. Lily felt as if an internal organ had been torn out of her body. She sat up and watched him put on his shoes with a sense of emptiness.

"I'd better go before Mrs. Chambers gets up," he said, straightening his crumpled shirt and making an effort to straighten his hair.

Lily nodded, straining to hide her disappointment. She didn't want to think what Mrs. Chambers would say if she knew they slept in the same bed – she imagined her reaction like Petunia's would have been if she knew – and yet that saddened her.

She took a shower and changed from yesterday's clothes, in which she slept, and arrived at the dining room even before Madeline. She helped her cook, knowing that if she didn't work the fatigue of the sleepless night would get to her. She had just set the table when Mrs. Chambers entered. She replied to her good morning and ran back to the kitchen, afraid that her weariness would make her suspicious. But after a few moments she gathered the courage and decided that they should stop hiding. There was nothing wrong with her relationship with James, no matter what Petunia would have said.

Keeping the thoughts about her sister away, Lily returned to the dining room with a straight back. Meanwhile James had joined the meal, his hair wet in a gracefully way. Maxwell had chosen that morning to eat with them too. James smiled at her, but she couldn't smile back. She came and stood beside Mrs. Chambers's, who was just about to pour the tea.

"What is it?" She asked Lily when she stood there almost stupidly without saying anything.

Lily lowered her eyes to the steam rising from the teapot. Chains of words clashed in her head in an effort to find the right way to say what she needed to, and from fear of saying something stupid and illogical she found herself saying, "Me and James are in love."

James froze in the middle of buttering toast. Even Maxwell lifted his eyes from the morning paper to watch the scene. Mrs. Chambers looked confused for a moment, then her hands began to tremble until Lily had to take the pot from her. The housekeeper sat down carefully, not looking at Lily, who was beginning to fear she had made a terrible mistake. Then Mrs. Chambers began to cry.

James stood up and walked over to her while Lily watched in alarm. He bent down and put a hand on her shoulder, and she pulled him into a tight embrace, saying something in his ear that Lily couldn't hear over the tears.

"Don't cry, Mrs. Chambers, we're not getting married yet," he said in a nervous chuckle.

Lily didn't think her face could be hotter than they already were, but apparently she was wrong. She stared at James, whom felt her gaze and gave her an embarrassed smile over Mrs. Chambers' shoulder.

"Times are so terrible..." Mrs. Chambers said in a choked voice, breaking away from James to wipe her face with a handkerchief. "After what had happened to the master and the lady... The thought that something else will happen keeps me up at night... I'm so happy to know that the Potter line won't end with you, James..."

James made an effort to elicit a reassuring smile for Mrs. Chambers, although Lily saw that her words were weighing on his heart. It made her feel bad, because the part that disturbed her the most was the suggestion that soon they would have children together. Their made her realize that they actually never spoke about the night James' parents were murdered.

Mrs. Chambers soon calmed down. She hugged Lily and told her she was happy for them, and didn't mention the job at all. Madeline, who had joined during the bout of crying, also hugged her; And even Maxwell, who had never even spoken to Lily, shook her hand with a fraction of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

Happiness and relief filled her up like a balloon, keeping her alert and smiling all day long. She did her chores vigorously, the fatigue not bothering her at all, and even went out of her way and did things Mrs. Chambers didn't ask from her. In the afternoon, after finishing all the work sooner than expected, she took two bottles of cold Butterbeer and went out into the garden behind the kitchen, where James volunteered to replace the summer herbs with tufts of magical plants that suited the winter.

Although the summer was almost over the day was very hot, even as the sun was setting. James was kneeling on the ground, his sleeves rolled up and his shirt sticking to his back with sweat. Lily stood in the doorway for a few moments, knowing that as soon as she moved he would notice her presence. She just wanted to look at him for a moment without him smiling or saying anything, to see him as he really was. And even though he wasn't laughing, doing nothing but digging in the ground with concentration, she loved what she was seeing.

She thought again about what Mrs. Chambers had said that morning. She tried to place them at a different time and place – a little older, in a house that belonged to both of them, and little children were running about in the afternoon light...

She repressed the vision. They were too young – they were practically children – too young to think of such a future. She scolded herself. She had to concentrate on her studies and N.E.W.T.s, not to think about a wedding.

She started walking toward him. As she had expected, he noticed her and smiled. He sat down on the ground with relief and took a Butterbeer gratefully, sipping it thirstily. Lily sat down on the cultivated ground beside him, sipping from her own bottle in silence.

After a few long moments where non of them spoke, James said, "I think we should acknowledge the Hippogriff in the room."

"Don't you mean the elephant?"

"I know what I mean, and don't try to change the subject, young lady." He leaned back on his hands and looked directly at her. "You're stressed out because of what Mrs. Chambers said."

Lily shrugged, avoiding eye contact. "She talked as if we were going to get married and start having children every minute now, isn't that stressful?"

James shrugged too, but somehow he didn't look too nervous. He seemed to find it quite amusing, for some reason. "That's probably how it was when she was young. My parents got married as soon as they finished school."

"It's a very young age to get married," Lily said. Her parents met when they were much older than that, and even Petunia, who ever since she was a girl had dreamed of a perfect wedding, had already passed the age of twenty on her wedding day.

"When you know, you know. You know?" James replied, then took a long swig of Butterbeer to hide his embarrassment.

Lily was struck by his remark. She noticed that James had stacked the tubs of old plants in a bucket and decided to use it to end the conversation.

"Where should I put these?" She asked as she got up and picked up the bucket, leaving no room for argument.

James must have felt nervous too, because he didn't try to stop her. "Just throw it in the shack."

Lily went there immediately. She felt James' gaze on her back and tried to ignore it. She told herself to stop cultivating unfounded expectations and concentrate on the present, but no matter how hard she tried to think about Hogwarts and her N.E.W.T.s, she couldn't stop imagining what it would be like to spend her life with James, for better or for worse.

She walked around the shack and put the bucket on the ground to open the heavy trailer door, when she had an uneasy sense that she wasn't alone. She turned with her wand drawn and the breath clutched in her chest. She tried to speak, but no sound came out. He had cast a silencing spell on her. She couldn't shout or cast any spell without her voice.

Severus, in his same worn coat, dark hair falling over his pale face, looked like a figure from a recurring dream. He had found her exactly when she hadn't been expecting it. Her initial panic was replaced by solid fear.

"I'll remove the spell only if you promise not to shout," he said in a steady, sombre voice. "I just want to talk."

Lily nodded vigorously, her inability to speak making her helpless. He reversed the spell and she immediately asked, "How did you get in here?"

Severus shrugged. It frightened her even more. It wasn't like him not the boast in his talents.

"We'll talk inside," he said, opening the door with a sharp pull. When Lily shrank back and wouldn't go in, he added somberly, "You owe me, Lily."

The fear turned to anger. She marched into the shack with a valid step, and as soon as Severus closed the door, she slammed at him –  "I didn't ask you to take the blame."

Inside the shack it was dark when the door was closed. Severus' figure lurched in the darkness, and she couldn't see his face clearly. His tone was indistinguishable when he said, "And yet you let me do it."

Lily couldn't believe her ears. "I told the truth to everyone who would listen," she insisted, "I told Dumbledore and Professor Slughorn. But no one in the Ministry cared. They wanted it to be you. They wanted to interrogate you." She breathed for the first time since the beginning of her sentence. A ball tightened in her chest as she asked him, "Is it true that you're a Death Eater?"

The last sentence was the only one that provoked any response. He began to move, circling the red car that was gleaming in the dim light like a great lady-bug. He studied the Muggle object with obvious distaste in the light of a lonely beam that slipped behind the door.

"Are you ashamed of that?" She demanded to know, anger and a burning longing overwhelming her.

"Of course not," he replied immediately, furiously.

"So why won't you say it?" She replied, knowing she was annoying him, hoping she could break the shell and find the boy she once knew.

"I'm a Death Eater!" He raised his voice, startling her. "I'm a Death Eater, and I'm proud of it." A faint tremor passed through his voice and disappeared immediately. "Are you happy now?"

Lily felt an urge to cry but pushed it away. She told herself that she had known it for a long time.

"Why, Severus?"

Her soft question must have done something to him because he turned his back on her and looked at a display of alarm clocks.

She wanted to tell him he could tell her anything. Then an angry voice inside her told her that nothing he said could make her hate him any more. She pushed it away with a feeling of shame.

"So why are you here?" She said instead, eager to end the painful conversation.

He turned to her. "I know it was you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Yesterday, Potter broke into Antonin Dolohov's house," he said, "But there was someone else with him. Dolohov saw the intruder before he stupefied him. He said it was a girl of Potter's age, and his description was detailed. Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange think it could have been you, but they're not sure."

Lily didn't say anything. She stood very straight, tightening her grip on the wand. Severus' appearance frightened her even before, but at that moment she thought for the first time that he might have come there to hurt her.

"I saw the two of you," He said in a very different tone. "In the garden."

Lily knew he was talking about James. she kept silent.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes," she replied without hesitation, quietly but confidently.

He looked like there was something he wanted to say, but he kept silent. Lily watched him anxiously, waiting for him to dare say something nasty, dare he call her names again.

"Stay away from him," he said at last. "They're going to retaliate. You don't want to be around him when it happens."

Lily was shocked by the coldness in which he spoke of revenge.

"Why are you telling me this? You know I'm going to tell him we talked," She demanded to know, trying the keep her voice from trembling.

Severus shrugged. Out of nowhere he told her, "If you come with me I'll make sure they won't hurt you."

The offer was made in a hushed, soft voice. Lily was mute with shock. She had suspected for a long time that Severus had loved her but was too scared to say anything. Now this offer confirmed what she had feared – that she was breaking his heart.

Lily kept silent for a long while. A simple refusal couldn't pronounce how this sudden offer made her feel, and she couldn't say how she felt without hurting his feelings – that she could never see him as more than a friend, no matter what he tried to offer her in exchange for her heart.

Severus lost his patience very quickly, apparently understanding the meaning of her silence by himself. Abandoning the watch display sharply, not looking at her even for a moment, he said, "On your head be it, Evans."

At that moment the door swung open. James was saying something, Lily couldn't hear what, and before she could react Severus cursed him.

James managed to duck behind the door with extraordinary speed. Lily took advantage of the opportunity to stupify Severus, but he brushed her curse with dexterity. James came out of his shelter and fought back; The red car came alive with a growl and sprang forward, forcing him to jump aside again to avoid being run over. Severus took advantage of the breach and fled. Lily ran after him without thinking twice.

She shouted his name, calling him to stop. It didn't affect him. He moved quickly and her curses missed him. Soon he jumped over the fence and Apperated with a pop; Lily's curse passed where he had been a split second before. She remained staring at the trees in shock and fear.

James caught up with her, clutching her hand. "You're alright? Did he do something to you? You're shaking – "

Lily forced herself to pull it together, to forget about Severus and concentrate on what was really important – his warning.

"They're going to take revenge on you," she said sharply, panting. "The Death Eaters. he told me."

James didn't panic. When he spoke he sounded like a completely different person; "I need you to run to the house and check all the runes. Do you know how to do that?" Lily nodded quickly. "Good. Find Madeline and Mrs. Chambers and tell them to go to the study. When you're done go there, too. Don't leave that room until I get there."

Lily barely nodded for the second time and he was already rushing toward Maxwell's cabin, sending his Patronus ahead of him, a huge silver stag.

Lily ran to the house without delay. By the time she reached the back door she could hardly breathe, but somehow it didn't bother her. She burst in and startled Madeline. She gave her James' message and ran to the hallway, sipping the stairs, and began to move her wand on the walls, muttering the old spells she had learned in Ancient Runes class.

The runes that protected the house revealed themselves in an oval-blue glow that spread along the walls, the ceiling and the floor like a vast net, which Lily followed resolutely, searching for fragments and injuries. She ran along the corridors, through the rooms, up the attic and down to the basement, checking the kitchen and the dining room and the staff rooms. By the time she had finished a layer of sweat she covered her body and damp hairs stuck to her forehead. Only when she was sure she hadn't forgotten any corner in the house did she let glow die and turned to the study with a jog.

Madeline and Mrs. Chambers sat very close on the couch opposite the empty fireplace. Lily tried to check the runes there too, but an electric current stabbed her hand through her wand. Then she began to walk around the room uneasily, unable to sit down and relax, or to answer the other women's questions.

Relief washed over her when James came in, Maxwell limping with his hand on his shoulder. Mrs. Chambers attacked them with questions.

"We found a big breach in the runes around the fence, but we were able to fix it," James replied with cool composure. To Lily he said, "I don't know how he did it, they're supposed to be impenetrable."

"Who? Who was it?" Mrs. Chambers inquired.

"Come on, sit down," James told Maxwell, who for some reason to take a seat in an armchair in front of the fireplace, and summoned one of the chairs from in front of the table for him. The gardener sat down, trying to hide his exhaustion, and James summoned a glass of water for him.

"Who breached the defenses?" Mrs. Chambers wouldn't let go.

"No one," was James' stiff reply. He passed his wand on the wall and to his command a complex network of runes flashed in all the colors of the rainbow. Lily had never seen such runes, so complex and ancient, as if a skilled hand had painted them with a brush. By the look for the runes that room was the safest room in the house, that was why James gather them there. He stopped at the throne with the stag's head behind the desk and studied the runes.

Only when he was sure that the protections were intact did he say with a much softer voice, "The house isn't as safe as we thought it was. The Death Eaters are going to come back. I want you all to go somewhere else. You too, Lily," he stressed as Lily opened her mouth to protest.

"What about you? Don't you dare say you're going to stay here!" Mrs. Chambers shuddered, her face turning white like a chalk.

"I'm staying," he announced without hesitation, putting his hand on one of the stag's wooden antlers. "I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing me running away."

A terrible commotion arose in the room when all four of them started talking at the same time, telling him it was dangerous, foolish, that they won't abandon him, but James wouldn't hear it.

"Go pack up your bags now," he ordered in a tone that Lily had not yet heard him use.

No one moved.

"We should ask Dumbledore for help," Lily broke the tense silence.

"No," James said emphatically. "And there's no _we_. You're leaving within the hour."

Lily was offended by this statement. "They're looking for me too," She chose that moment to reveal the information she had previously decided she would spare him, because she knew it would cause him suffering. "Dolohov saw me."

James turned away, as if to hide his face from those around him. His reaction was unreadable, and it was startling, but Lily didn't let it paralyze her. Without saying anything, she went to the fireplace and took a handful of Floo powder from the box on the mantelpiece before she lit the fire with a spell.

James noticed her actions. "Don't – "

Lily didn't hear the rest of the sentence.

"Headmaster's office, Hogwarts!"

She threw the powder into the fireplace and walked into the green flames.

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

Lily whirled in a whirlpool of hot dust, waiting tensely to reach her destination. But then something happened that hadn't happened to her before; She was slammed into a solid wall and pushed away quickly and violently. She opened her eyes despite the dust and the sparks and saw the openings of fireplaces pass by in a blur. She tried to contain herself, confused and lost, but she had nothing to hold on to in the empty space between the fireplaces.

Finally she fell hard on a bare wooden floor, calling out it pain. She straightened up and realized immediately that she wasn't in Dumbledore's office in Hogwarts, but in a very different place; It was a basement room with a low ceiling lit by lanterns that emitted a greasy light. She couldn't see any more than that, because she was surrounded immediately by four men who were pointing their wands at her.

"Professor?" She was startled by the sight of the thin, tall man whose white beard was sliding down his chest. But of course it couldn't have been Dumbledore; His beard was shaggy and dirty, and he wore worn cloths that didn't suit him at all. Even his eyes lacked their spark, and were much more dark and suspicious.

She tried to get to her feet but a sturdy wizard with a wooden leg sticking out under his robe made a threatening gesture toward her, and in a split second her wand sprang from her pocket to his rough hand. She backed up a little, crawling, gaping at the strange group of people who were watching her suspiciously.

They were without a doubt the most curious group of people she had encountered. Apart from the gloomy man who looked like Dumbledore, there were a pair of young men who were the exact opposite of him, with their colorful clothes, red hair and sparkling eyes. The man with the wooden leg that took Lily's wand was particularly frightening; His face was crisscrossed with scars and one of his eyes was unnaturally blue and protruding, unlike his usual dark eye, and swirled in it's socket in a slightly nauseating way.

"Someone else is coming," he grumbled suddenly.

Indeed, after a brief moment James was also ejected from the fireplace, managing to maintain his balance. He spotted the four men and cursed.

To Lily's surprise, the strangers lowered their wand then, and the redheads returned to their place at the rough table in the middle of the room where they were playing cards. All at once Lily understood – they were part of Dumbledore's Order.

"Potter, what's that supposed to be?" The man who looked like Dumbledore demanded in a hoarse voice that was as different as night and day from the soft voice of his double.

"It was a mistake," James defended himself, helping Lily up. "She wanted to get to Dumbledore's office in Hogwarts."

"The fireplaces at Hogwarts are closed to the Floo network," Dumbledore's double growled toward Lily.

"I know that," Lily said firmly. She did know that, but she was so desperate to help James that she had forgotten about it.

"You certainly have a strange way of showing it," he replied, suddenly aiming his wand between her eyes. "Too bad you won't remember that lesson."

"Hey, wait!" James came between him and Lily.

"You know the rules, Potter," The man with the scary eye intervened. "We have to erase her memory."

Lily was shaken by the sharp turn. "Please, I just want to talk to Dumbledore!"

They didn't seem impressed by that. The twins watched. "Help me here!" James called out to them.

"Sorry, mate, you know that's the way it is," one of the twins said apologetically.

"Yeah," his brother added, "Even though we can't understand why you'd bring your girlfriend here..." He gestured to the somber space around them.

"He didn't bring me here, I came here by accident," Lily rebelled behind James.

"At least you have more luck than brains," the man who looked like Dumbledore said and opened his mouth to cast the spell. James moved to protect Lily.

"As a matter of fact, Miss Evans is one of the brightest students I've ever had the privilage to teach," a woman's voice interrupted. The man who looked like Dumbledore turned, and Lily saw that Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway. "It would be more correct to say that she has the same amount of luck and brains, Aberforth."

A complete relief washed over Lily. Professor McGonagall wore a checkered dress and her hair was weaved in a braid – Lily had never seen her without her traditional robe and her hair tied in a tight bun – but her impressive and terrifying presence hadn't been affected by her attire.

"Professor – " James began.

"I heard the story, Potter," McGonagall interrupted him reproachfully, as if she had caught him trying to pull a prank at school. "Unfortunately, Aberforth and Alastor are right, and the location of headquarters shouldn't be known to anyone who is not a member of the Order."

"We're in danger, Professor," Lily said when she realized she couldn't get anyone to listen to her any other way. "The Death Eaters are looking for us."

The color drained from Professor McGonagall's face. The twins had stopped playing and turned serious.

"What makes you think you interest them?" The man with the frightening eye, Alastor, questioned her.

Professor McGonagall, on the other hand, wasted no time. She took out her wand and summoned a Patronus of a big cat.

"Albus, your presence is urgently needed at Headquarters," she dictated to the silvery shadow and let it go. Then, in a harsh tone softened by her trembling voice, she said to James, "What have you done now, Mr. Potter?"

James looked irritated and refused to answer. Lily decided not to speak for him, at least until Dumbledore arrived.

After a few moments a burst of green fire shot in the fireplace. Lily and James retreated to make room for Dumbledore, who stepped out of the flames lightly, dusting off his scarlet robe. At that moment everyone started talking together.

"Quiet, please," Dumbledore said softly and clearly above the commotion.

Everyone went silent except for Dumbledore's double, Aberforth, who claimed, "Albus, this girl is not a member of the Order. Every second she's here puts us at risk."

"It's all right, Aberforth," Dumbledore said calmly. That only annoyed Aberforth. "How can we help you, Miss Evans?"

Dumbledore's soft voice made her want to fall apart, to let the fear she had restrained since she had spoken to Severus to burst and paralyze her. But she didn't give up to the temptation. She tried to keep her voice steady, knowing everyone was listening intently and James is looking at her nervously and said, "Professor, Severus told me that Death Eaters are looking for James. They want to retaliate on him."

"Severus Snape?" Alastor growled. "What's he to you? Why would he tell you their plans?"

"We used to be friends," Lily admitted. It hurt to say it.

"I don't like this," Alastor told Dumbledore. "The punishment for treachery among the Death Eaters is death, why should he risk it for her?"

To Lily's  total surprise James intervened and said, "Because he loves her."

No one responded to that statement. Lily was ashamed of that fact, and she wished James hadn't said it in front of everyone without even looking at her.

"Let's talk in a more pleasant place," Dumbledore said suddenly, "Aberforth, may I?"

Aberforth muttered something that sounded very hostile and went to the corner of the room. Dumbledore must have interpreted that as a positive answer because he signaled Lily and James to follow him. They left the cellar and climbed a narrow staircase that reminded the stairs to the workers' quarters in the Potter house, only much more narrow and gloomy. At the end of the stairs was a door that opened behind a bookcase into a modest living room. The only exception was the portrait of a blond girl that was hanging above the fireplace; Lily had never seen a magical portrait of someone who wasn't an old or important wizard or witch.

She peered out of the solitary window while Dumbledore offered them caramel candy. Outside it rained down on a cobblestone street, and over the rooftops towered Hogwarts Castle, glowing in the dusk. They were in Hogsmeade.

"Please step away from the window, Miss Evans," Dumbledore said. He lit a fire and sat down in a nearby chair, the girl in the painting following his footsteps with great curiosity. "No one can know there's anyone here except for Aberforth."

Lily obeyed and went to sit next to James on the couch. He leaned forward on his knees and drummed his foot nervously on the carpet. Lily wanted to take his hand to reassure him, but it bothered her that Dumbledore was present.

"Please tell the story from the beginning," he said.

Lily took a last look at James. When he didn't seem to be resisting, she told Dumbledore the whole story, from James' trick in Knockturn Alley and her surveillance, to Severus' breach into the Potter estate grounds and his warning.

By the end of the story Dumbledore was sitting with his eyes closed. Lily watched him apprehensively. For a moment she thought she would see him getting angry for the first time in her life, but to her surprise he said in a perfectly calm voice, "It saddens me that you have not abandoned your desire for vengeance, James."

James mumbled something unclear.

Dumbledore opened his eyes. There was a strange spark in them that Lily hadn't yet seen. "How did you come upon the cloak that Miss Evans used to watch over you?"

"Family inheritance," James replied. Like Lily, he too seemed confused by the unexpected question.

"Well, what's done is done," Dumbledore changed the subject without warning. "Now we have to think about how to protect you."

"There are only two weeks till school starts," James said, "Is there a Order member who would be willing to take Lily in until then? Or could she return to Hogwarts earlier?"

"And what about you?" Lily intervened before Dumbledore could answer. "You're not really going to stay there alone and wait for them to come?"

"I'm not going to run away," James determined.

Lily opened her mouth to tell him he was being stupid, when she suddenly realized exactly why he was doing it.

"You want to meet Voldemort. You're hoping he'll be there and you could duel him..." She refused to believe it.

"I'll be ready for them." He didn't even try to deny it.

Lily wanted to cry. "Please, stop it..."

James seemed to be trying hard not to give in to her request. "I'm sorry, Lily, that's something I have to do."

"You do not. There is always a choice," Dumbledore said suddenly. He was so quiet that Lily almost forgot that he was there. He looked at them very strangely, almost as if he were holding himself back from shedding a tear. "For me it is clear, at my old age. You are yet to learn it. You are not going to face any Death Eaters, let alone Voldemort – you and Miss Evans will come with me to Hogwarts tonight."

This statement calmed Lily. James stood up and tried to argue, but Dumbledore left no room for him to do so.

"I can't go yet," James insisted, "There are people who live in my house. They're under my responsibility. I need to make sure they're safe before I leave."

"Of course," Dumbledore agreed. "Alastor will accompany you, and as soon as you're done he'll take you to Hogwarts."

"I have to go, too," Lily said. "There's something I have to take with me."

"All right," Dumbledore said, and to Lily's surprise added, "James, if you would be so kind to wait downstairs for a few moments, I would like to talk to Miss Evans privately."

James didn't argue, but he did seem particularly curious. He gave Lily a reassuring smile, even if it was tense, and walked out the door behind the bookcase.

Lily looked at Dumbledore with tense anticipation.

"Lily," he began soothingly. He never used her first name before. "I'm apologize, but I need your help. The Order needs your help."

"What can I do?" Lily said without hesitation. She was hoping he would offer her to join the Order, though she couldn't think of how she could do it any good.

Dumbledore smiled a little at her reaction, but immediately became serious again. "My request would sound insensitive, but I would not have raised the possibility if I did not thought we were nearing very dark times... Lily, I would like you to get close to Mr. Snape and encourage him to tell you more of the Death Eaters' secrets."

Lily wasn't sure how to respond, or even how that request made her feel. She found it hard to get Severus' voice out of her head, offering her to come with him, offering to protect her, even though he knew she loved James and not him.

Dumbledore said, "Is what James said truth? Do you think that Mr. Sanpe truly loves you, and that's the reason he warned you?"

She felt very cold, even though she sat close to the fire. She hugged herself and was ashamed to look at Dumbledore's face when she replied, "Yes."

"I think, and you probably agree with me, that Severus is not a bad person," Dumbledore continued. "If he was not a good person  he could not have had such a great capacity for love. I apologize if this embarrasses you, Lily, but his love for you has to be great if he risked death to warn you."

Lily felt terrible. "I don't love him back."

"It is obvious that your love lies elsewhere," Dumbledore said wisely, and a little of the spark returned to his eyes . "Still, I hope that if you mend your friendship you can persuade Severus to spy for the Order."

Lily thought it was a very good idea, and hated herself for it. "They'll kill him if they find out..." She covered her mouth and ordered herself not to dare cry now. It wasn't the time for that now.

"You do not have to decide right now," Dumbledore said soothingly. "Either way, I'd be honored if you joined the Order of the Phoenix. Go with James now, and then Alastor will take you to Hogwarts. You'll be safe there."

Lily nodded and didn't delay, leaving the room without saying anything under the blonde girl's gaze. On the way down a few tears slipped out of her eyes, and she wiped them before she appeared in the basement. Dumbledore's plan could cause Severus to be murdered, and she disgusted herself when she thought it was a good plan, even if it meant she had to lead Severus astray...

James knew she was crying, she saw it in his eyes. He held her hand steadily and it calmed her a little. She decided she would tell him about Dumbledore's request later. She didn't want to upset him, and she had no doubt that it would upset him. After all, he admitted to her that one of the reasons he used to bother Severus when they were younger was because he envied their relationship.

"You're an Order member now?" He said in a clear attempt to cheer her up.

Lily nodded. The redheads cheered and whistled as if they were waiting for a sign. Lily smiled uncontrollably.

"Ready?" Alastor said, his enchanted eye swirling in its socket. He was much less hostile now.

They returned to the Potter house by Floo. It got dark while they were away, and all the lights in the study were on, but the house workers weren't there.

"They better not be around," James muttered angrily. He probably still hadn't forgiven them for refusing to obey him.

Except for the study, the rest of the house was dark. James checked the runes again, which shone on the walls with a dark glow that didn't shine in the dark. They appeared to be intact.

"You go with Lily," he said to Alastor, who looked particularly frightening in the dark. "I'll make sure there's no one here and we'll meet in the study."

"Don't give me orders, boy," he snarled in reply.

James rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to run away, alright? I just want Lily to get to Hogwarts as soon as possible."

For some reason this argument convinced Alastor immediately. He clutched Lily's arm firmly and held his wand ready.

"Lead the way," he told her, "And don't forget, constant vigilance!"

Lily looked at James apprehensively. He gave her a slight encouraging smile and hurried toward the stairs. Lily turned the other way, to the workers' quarters.

The whole house was dark. Mrs. Chambers would have never allowed it, and this strengthened her sense that everyone had gone. She was going to turn on the light, but Alastor stopped her, saying it would be better if it would appear that there was no one in the house.

They went down the stairs, Lily groping for the wall in the darkness, and Alastor limping confidently as if he had night vision (maybe he did). Soon they reached Lily's room, and she conjured a dim light at the end of her wand to help her dig through the closet while Alastor's eye swirled wildly. Lily began to suspect that he could see through the walls and ceiling.

After a few minutes of searching she found what she was looking for. She opened the faded book on the first page, as if to make sure the dedication was still there. She hadn't touched the book since she had arrived at the beginning of the summer – so many things had happened that she hadn't had time to go through it, like she always did when she was afraid or tense. She hadn't thought of it during the summer, and perhaps she had freed herself from the confidence that her mother's hand writing had always installed in her, but in the light of real danger she thought of it at once. She didn't think she would be able to hide in Hogwarts knowing that the last gift her mother had given her was out there.

She put the tattered book to her breast and announced that she was ready to go. If Alastor thought it was odd that she had come back to take an old children's book he didn't mention it. His enchanted eye focused on the cover of the book and she protected it with her hands, fearing that he would be able to read the personal words her mother had written to her.

They were back in the main corridor when a flicker caught Lily's eye; A lonely rune flickered on the wall and died into a smoky black symbol. Lily stared in horror.

"They're here," Alastor growled.

 


	17. Chapter 17

Lily ran as fast as she could down the dark corridors of the Potter family home. Alastor told her to go without him and get to the Floo in the study before the Death Eaters could cross the lawns and get to the house. When she resisted he growled at her that he was a trained Auror, and that if she won't start running he would curse her all the way to the door. As she ran she saw a silvery figure flying into the night through the window – Alstor called for reinforcements from the Order.

The thought of reinforcements helped her feel that she wasn't alone. She clutched the book with one hand and held her wand in the other, peering out of the windows whenever possible. The lawns were empty in the bright moonlight.

She almost reached the sitting room when a bang and a thump shook the house. Lights flickered from the direction of the stairs, and someone let out a terrible cry. Somehow Lily knew immediately that it was Mrs. Chambers and her stomach was torn from the inside. She leaned against the railing and looked down at the entrance hall; The flickering lights illuminated a group of strange wizards who were streaming through the front door while dueling with Maxwell, who held them back with skill. Mrs. Chambers was laying on the floor, holding her belly and writhing in a pool of blood, until suddenly she disappeared as if the earth had swallowed her.

Lily tried to use the few curses she knew, surprising the invaders who hadn't been expecting an attack from above. Then more Death Eaters came from the dining room; Lily shouted but it was too late; A green beam hit Maxwell's back and he fell instantly.

A man in a silver mask looked up and noticed Lily at the top of the stairs. He was frightening and terrible, the mask gleaming like a bone in the darkness. She turned and started running, but two Death Eaters appeared in front of her with a pop. She turned and ran in the opposite direction. A curse blew up an oil painting near her, barely missing her. She had no chance –

Someone grabbed her tightly and wrapped her in a cool cloth. Lily turned and hugged James intensely, knowing that they were hidden from the eyes of the confused invaders, who ran right past them. He wrapped her in his arms with the same fear.

She gripped her throat, which threatened to rebel against her and scream uncontrollably.

"Maxwell..." She mumbled.

"I know," he whispered in her ear in a dead voice.

"And Mrs. Chambers?"

"I'm sorry, Lily."

She longed to be swallowed up into James and make them both disappear from the face of the earth.

"Where's Moody?" James managed to maintain relative composure, and Lily decided to try and do the same. She can't fall apart yet.

"He stayed behind," she replied, trembling, realizing he meant Alastor. "I know he called for reinforcements..."

"I did too, but it'll take them time to gather up. The Death Eaters are guarding the doors, and they must have blocked the Floo, but there is a secret passage in the study that leads out. I know that Madeline managed to escape through there."

Lily nodded, agreeing to the plan. She released James reluctantly and they began to walk quietly toward the sitting room. On their way they passed a group of Death Eaters who ran up the stairs and into the house, joking among themselves. James watched them hatefully, and Lily took his hand and pulled him away before could think about trying to attack them by surprise.

The sitting room door was open and all the lights were on. A group of strangers sat comfortably on the couches, resting their feet on the pillows and polished tables, laughing and chatting as if the house were theirs. Lily recognized some of them as students who had graduated in recent years, most of them from Slytherin.

The sight disgusted her. How could they behave like that when two innocent people were laying dead down stairs?...

Lily's shock and dislike were expressed in James as unbridled fury. His knuckles turned white around his wand, obviously holding himself back from punishing the strangers who had taken over his house and killed his workers, who were his only family. Lily couldn't imagine how it felt. She put her hand on his shoulder, trying to tell him without speaking to look away, because maybe then it would hurt less.

They passed by the invaders silently, the rugs muffling their steps. The Death Eaters were busy celebrating their victory and didn't suspect for a moment that they weren't alone, even when James opened the study door to a crack and they both slipped in.

Lily's relief was immediately replaced by terror. She clasped James' arm, but it was too late – he closed the door right in front of the wizard who was waiting for them in the room, whom watched the movement carefully.

"Who's there?" He asked calmly.

Lily and James froze under the cloak. The stranger sat casually in the carved chair behind the desk, as if he were the master of the house. Madeline's body, pale as a ghost, was floating limply over his head.

When there was no answer to his question he stood up, his splendid black robe gliding around him with an air of dignity. He was very different from the jolly Death Eaters in the second room; He was older, around forty, wearing a mask of uncompromising gravity. He was very tall, his black hair neatly cut, and he might have been handsome if his face wasn't so cold and unforgiving.

The silence didn't phase him, and he continued to look intently at the spot where the two stood frozen. In an almost invisible movement, like a snake's bite, his wand moved and Lily hit the door hard. Both she and James fell to the floor and the cloak slipped over them.

James jumped to his feet almost at that moment, ready to fight back. Lily imitated him, straining to keep her hand holding the wand steady despite her fear.

The door opened behind them. One of the Death Eaters peered inside. They were trapped.

"My Lord – ?"

"Out," the wizard in the black robe ordered, and the Death Eater slipped away without being told twice, closing the door.

Only then did Lily realize who she was facing. A shudder traveled up her arms, but she dared not show fear. She rehearsed what James had said all summer – that he was just a man.

"I was hoping to see you today, James," he said in a foreboding serenity. His voice was a high male voice, cold and terrible like the winter wind.

"You could've sent an owl, like a normal person would," James stung in reply, his voice full of hatred.

A smile-like expression crossed the Dark Lord's face. He smiled as if he had never learned how to do it, or didn't know what a smile was used for. "You are known to have a sharp tongue. I admit that you did not interest me very much at all this past year, until you managed to trick Mr. Dolohov, that is. It demanded a great amount of cunning and talent... It is a wonder that you were sorted into Gryffindor and not Slytherin."

His terrible gaze passed over to Lily. "Another one of your little servants? I shall add her to the collection."

He was moving again with incredible speed, but this time Lily was ready to deflect his curse. He attacked again and she deflected again, faster and faster. James intervened and cursed the Dark Lord, who now struggled against both of them with minor difficulty. Lily felt that they were pushing him back, James attacking while she shielded them both, but then he suddenly got bored with the fight and with one powerful curse pressed the two of them against opposite walls.

Lily tried to fight the curse, but it was as if a huge magnet was pulling her to the wall. The Dark Lord approached her lightly and she wished she could be swallowed up in the wall. However, to her astonishment he didn't try to hurt her. He just inspected her with interest.

"Maybe not merely another servant," he said in the same voice that could penetrate skin and bones. "What's your name, girl?"

When Lily was obstinately silent, he moved closer until he was within reach of her. She tried to inch away, as if he was a repulsive creature, but he pressed his wand against her cheek and forced her to look into his eyes. The sight was terrible, his eyes were black as the abyss, and she felt she could see his soul through them, tormented and imprisoned.

He asked for her name again. She shut her eyes tight, unable to handle the terror.

"Lily Evans," She let out, praying he'll be satisfied and leave her alone.

"Evans? It is not a wizarding family name," he said softly, very close to her, so close she could feel his breath on her face. She wanted to be sick. "Lily, are you a Mudblood?"

"Leave her alone!" James shouted from across the room. "You're here for me, not her!"

"You are right," the Dark Lord said with terrible calm. "However, I suspect you are plotting to taint the pure blood of the Potter family with the blood of Muggles. I will not allow it."

"You didn't mind spilling it," James hissed with pure hatred. "And you can stop pretending, I'm not one of your pets. I know your father was a Muggle – "

" _Crucio_!"

James refused to scream. His torso became tight as a string, as if he were about to explode. Lily bit her lip. If he wouldn't scream, she wouldn't shout, even though she felt his pain as if it were hers, ripping her internal organs.

After a time that felt like an eternity James' body went limp. His chin fell to his chest and his hair hid his face while he breathed heavily.

"I see you inherited your father's impertinence," the Dark Lord said, "He also threatened to spread these lies if I did not stop my work and disappear... That's why I killed him."

"That's interesting," James spoke under his hair. "Because he didn't tell me that, I heard it from Dumbledore."

Lily saw a shadow of fear pass over the Dark Lord's face, but it disappeared so quickly that she couldn't be sure what she saw.

"I advise you to forget that old man," He said with composure. "He may be in control of his little kingdom at school, but the outside world will soon forget him. His time has passed. I investigated about you, James, and I can see that you are a talented wizard. Turn your back on Dumbledore, and you shall win a place in my inner circle."

James let out a sharp snort of a laugh. The Dark Lord cursed him again, his serenity mask beginning to crack. Despite all his might, he couldn't stand to be mocked.

Lily closed her eyes tightly so as not to see James' torment, and prayed that he would stop teasing him.

The curse was lifted, and immediately James began to laugh again.

"Please – !" She shouted, but the pain ran through James' body like an electric shock once again. His fists were clenched in an effort to make no noise, and blood stained his fingers.

Tears flooded her face uncontrollably. James wasn't about to surrender, and the Dark Lord wasn't about to release him. He was going to torture him until he was bored, and then he was going to kill him. There was no escape. And she was imprisoned there, helpless, unable to do anything but watch him tear apart.

The torture went on forever. Lily didn't even notice that she was praying through her tears, until she couldn't continue to ignore the feeling that the Dark Lord was looking at her. She looked up, trembling, still murmuring steadily, in a whisper.

He stared at her openly, with great interest and even... Longing? It wasn't the curiosity of a wizard who couldn't understand the principle of faith, but of a person listening to a hymn he had not heard in a long time. Lily knew without a doubt that he knew the prayer, never mind that he would never admit his true origin. He knew the prayer well, even if he wouldn't say it for anything in the world.

It made her think that even the Devil was once an Angel, before turning his back on God. It gave her a glimmer of hope, and she whispered, "Please..."

To her surprise the curse broke and she fell to the Dark Lord's feet. Without hesitation she got up and ran to James, who was hanging on the wall with limp limbs, not interested in her wand that was cast somewhere on the floor. His skin was cold though his shirt was soaked with sweat, and he didn't move even when she touched he. But he was breathing, and that's all that mattered to her.

"He quite resembles Jesus on the cross, does he not?" The Dark Lord suddenly said. Lily looked at him in astonishment. He returned to the magnificent chair, leafing with boredom through a thin book... Lily's book must have fallen during the battle, and she didn't even notice. The thought of the precious object in the hand of that monster sickened her. "He also thinks that if he died it will change something... I always thought Jesus was a fool, even as a child."

Lily ignored him, burying her face in James' shirt and listening to the rustle of the pages. Finally there was a thud and a crackle, and Lily realized with a torn heart that he had thrown the book into the fire. The pages burned and fell, spreading bright light and turning into ash...

She felt nothing. It didn't matter now. Soon she will no longer understand the meaning of loss and longing... Just as well this fire could have burned her.

"James, can you hear me?" The Dark Lord called.

"Get.. Off... The chair..." James growled hoarsely.

"Good to see you're still with us," the Dark Lord went on, "Let me tell you what's going to happen. I will give you my offer again. If you refuse, I will kill your little pet. Then I will ask you again. If you refuse the third time, I will kill you, and one of the member of my circle will inheret your house and use this chair as firewood."

James opened his eyes. His glasses fell during the torture, and he looked into Lily's eyes with a clear gaze. Lily looked back at him, eager to speak to him without words, to know that he they're thinking the same thing – that he musn't agree. To know that he is also afraid like he never was before, and yet he knows that they should die – die and not give up.

He looked at her in deep pain. She was sure he understood her wordless plea, when suddenly he said, "What would happen to her if I agree?"

Lily couldn't believe her ears. "James, no – "

"Of course you will marry a pure-blood witch, as is appropriate to your blood status, and keep both your bloodlines pure. But I shall allow you keep the Mudblood for entertainment," The Dark Lord replied indifferently, stroking his wand as if it were a living thing. "After all, it is impossible to kill them all. It is our duty to find a use for them."

James squeezed his eyes shut hard, painfully, as if he had been hit with the Cruciatus again. "I'll do it."

Lily wasn't able to speak. She wanted to shout at him that he can't do it, but it felt like she had become a helpless spectator, watching through the peeking hole in the study ceiling, unable to act. Disconnected.

The Dark Lord reversed the curse and James crashed to the floor. Lily fell to her knees beside him, holding him, pleading to him without words not to rise. He tried to move, but every little movement was rewarded with paralyzing pain. 

The Dark Lord moved his wand in boredom and James was pulled to his feet. His face was white as paper, but he refused to show the pain, standing up in great effort and pain. The Dark Lord motioned him to approach.

Lily wanted to be sick, watching James limp to him. James Potter, who was so proud, so strong, was obeying this tyrant who took everything from him. He would have preferred to die and not give in to his terror, but he was doing it to protect her, so that she would live. She leapt forward and threw her arms around him, stopping him from moving on with all her might.

"It's alright, Lily..." James said in a soft but hoarse voice, holding her hand that was clutching his shirt with a bloody hand. Only then she realized that she was crying. "It'll be over soon..."

"Move, foolish girl," the Dark Lord muttered.

Lily was filled with a terrible feeling that she had already experienced this moment before, and with the realization that she would never let him win. Suddenly everything seemed very clear, as if she were dreaming a dream where she could control reality, and she wasn't afraid anymore.

"No."

The Dark Lord rose with sudden fury. Aiming his wand steadily, he called – " _Avada Kedavra_!"

Lily shut her eyes tightly. James turned to shield her with his body. But nothing happened.

A figure made of fire stood in the middle of the room, between them and Voldemort. She drew her strength from the fire in the fireplace, which supported her with fine flaming threads. Burned pages rolled around her legs. Lily knew for sure she was feminine, and for some reason she felt as if she had met her before.

Voldemort's shock was immediately replaced by a burning fury. He cursed again, but the burning woman took the killing curse and strangled it in her heart of fire. Voldemort continued to attack stubbornly, shouting, his rage rising and lashing out uncontrollably. James stared at Lily in confusion. She didn't know how, but she knew that somehow she was doing it.

Knowing that this might be her only chance, Lily leaped and grabbed her wand, which was lying on the floor near the wall.

"Don't dare!" Voldemort screamed, and the burning woman stood in his way as he tried to attack Lily. A book flew across the room and hit his head. Angry and humiliated, he cursed James, but he fell to the floor and managed to duck it.

Lily cursed Voldemort with all her power and he was pushed out of the glass door in a shower of crystals. She ran to the table, grabbed James' wand and threw it to him. At that moment Voldemort floated back inside, standing tall on his feet. Blood trickled out of the cuts on his face, making him look monstrous. He aimed his wand at Lily, but he didn't have time to do anything before the fire-woman tackled him and knocked him to the floor. He screamed – he was burning – and the curse that kept Madeline broke and she fell to the floor.

Lily ran to her and tried to pick her up. James arrived after a second and together they dragged her out through the broken door, into the garden, and then into the open grounds of the estate.

Lily dared to look back once; Voldemort managed to push back the burning woman, and he stood against the light in the study, extinguishing the flames that clung to his robes. He was wounded and covered with burns, and there wasn't a shred of humanity left in him. The study was on fire behind him. Lily never found out whether he was going to chase after them or let them go, because a wave of fire burst through the door and swallowed him.

A series of popping sounds surrounded them. Several wizards and witches appeared out of the night around them. James fell on the damp grass in exhaustion, all of his muscles trembling violently. For a brief moment Lily was washed with renewed terror, until she realized that the wizards weren't Death Eaters but Order members. She collapsed on top of Madeline, next to James. Only then did she realized that Madeline wasn't breathing.

 


	18. Epilogue

Lily and James were sent to Hogwarts that night, and didn't leave the castle until the end of the summer. James was bedridden in the infirmary until school started – the school nurse said it was a miracle that he was able to walk at all after what had happened, and that he might not be able to play Quidditch that season. But he didn't care about Quidditch anymore, and that broke Lily's heart.

She wouldn't leave him for a moment. She sat by his bed all day, though they hardly spoke. Lily felt that the pain would never go away. James sank into depression; None of his household workers had survived, and he blamed only himself.

Lily wrote to his friends for him, because he didn't want to. The guilt threatened to destroy him. He wouldn't forgive himself for Madeline, Maxwell, and Mrs. Chambers, nor for agreeing to join Voldemort, even if he did it only to protect Lily. She begged Remus and Sirius to give her advice on how to help him, but they were just as perplexed as she was.

At first Madame Pomfrey objected to Lily sleeping with him in the infirmary, but oddly enough Professor McGonagall stood up for them and let them sleep in the same bed. Lily hadn't really been able to ever thank her for that.

The nights were the hardest. She couldn't stop seeing Voldemort's terrible face while he tortured James, his smug, sick smile as James limped towards him to recive the dark mark. But she drew strength from the thought of the woman who was made out of fire, and in her dreams she saw her looking at her with the face of her mother.

Dumbledore had no time to talk to them until the day the other students arrived. They were waiting for him in the Headmaster's office, dressed in school uniforms. The castle was silent but full of a buzzing tension, as if the stones themselves were full of anticipation for the arrival of the students who were just climbing into the carriages. Lily took James' hand, not caring that all the portraits of the previous Headmasters were looking at them. James gave her a comforting squeeze, and for the first time in two weeks he smiled at her.

Dumbledore walked in swiftly, apologizing for making them wait, and without any kind of courtesy gave each of them a Head Boy and Girl badge before taking his place behind his desk.

"Is this a joke?" James asked. Lily studied her badge sourly. A few months ago she would have glowed with joy and pride for winning it, but now she felt only emptiness.

"Not at all," Dumbledore replied seriously. "I expect you will use this authority to do good in this school. Times are darker than ever, and the school is never completely protected. I expect you to protect the younger students from Voldemort's influence and report directly to me about any suspicious events. Do not hesitate to use your cloak, James."

"Don't worry about it," James replied with a trace of smirk. He never hesitated to use the cloak, and Lily had the feeling that he had a few more tricks up his sleeve.

"So he's still alive?" She asked Dumbledore. She had prayed that Voldemort had been killed in the fire, even though she had been taught never to pray that someone else would get hurt.

"Judging by the behavior of his supporters, it seems so," Dumbledore replied sternly. "I'm sorry to tell you that most of the house has been burned down, James."

"I know," James replied without emotion. Alastor Moody, who surprised them with a visit when James was in the infermary, told them what had happened after they had been taken to Hogwarts. "But we saw the fire swallow him, no one could've survived that."

Dumbledore didn't respond, lowering his eyes to his folded fingers on the table. Lily knew that he knew something he wasn't telling them, but she honestly didn't want to know what he was hiding. She just wanted to leave everything that happened behind.

"Now, Professor McGonagall has told me there's something you want to tell me, James," Dumbledore changed the subject.

"Yeah," James said stably. Lily looked at him in confusion. "You should know that Voldemort offered me to join him. He threatened to kill Lily... so I agreed. I hardly hesitated. So I'll understand if you wouldn't want me in the Order anymore..."

"He won't do it again," Lily intervened before Dumbledore could respond.

"I would," James claimed. They didn't talk about what had happened until now. Lily had no idea he felt that way. "I would do it again, and I'd take the dark mark if it meant you'd be protected."

"No," Lily refused to accept it. She held James' hands, momentarily forgetting that Dumbledore was there. "You have to promise me that if it happens again you'll say no. I'd rather die than see you serve him."

"Lily –"

"I'm not afraid to die," she said, surprising herself with the soundness of her voice. "And I know you aren't either. And if you're afraid of losing me, don't – death is not the end."

James looked at her with glazed eyes. He looked as though he wanted to say something painful, but at the last moment he remembered that Dumbledore was there. The Headmaster was looking at them with a smile.

"I do not wish you to leave the Order," he said to James. "The fact that you agreed doesn't make you any less of a good man. You will be surprised, but that is the way Voldemort recruits most of his supporters. Despite all his wisdom and talents, he is unable to understand the most basic concept, love. So instead he uses fear."

He got up and went to the window, just as his huge Phoenix landed on the windowsill. The sight of the rare and spectacular bird always calmed Lily. Dumbledore stroked it's head, and the bird watched him with clever eyes.

"I do not know how you managed to get away from him – so far I have never heard of a wizard or a witch who has confronted Voldemort and lived. However, I do know that there is one force in the world that is stronger than any kind of magic or spell, stronger than the most terrible wizard, and that is the power of love."

Lily thought about the woman in the fire. She had no way to explain it, but she knew in her heart that it was true – that her mother had been there that night and protected her and James. The thought filled her with shinning hope and faith, and she knew that Dumbledore was right.

The feast was about to begin and Dumbledore dismissed them. He was supposed to be at the Great Hall too, but he just stood there, looking out the window into at night.

"Just one more thing," he called after them when they were at the door. "Lily, did you think about my request?"

Lily had completely forgotten about the request until that moment. But now it wasn't hard for her to decide at all, she knew what had to be done.

"I'll do it," She said.

Dumbledore looked at her compassionately and went back to observe the night sadly. Lily wanted to tell him that he didn't have to feel sorry for her, because she knew she was doing the right thing, and that Severus would understand it when the time comes.

"What did he ask you to do?" James asked her as they were on their way to the Great Hall.

"I'll tell you later," She replied, "You won't like it."

James didn't pressure her to tell him. Entwining his fingers with hers, he asked, "Did you mean what you said? That you believe there's life after death?"

"Yes," Lily replied without hesitation. "Would you believe me if I told you I know it was my mother there that night?"

James thought about the matter seriously. The marks of that night were still seen on him, and Lily was afraid that they would never really disappear.

"I think I do," He concluded. She was glad he thought so.

They walked on in silence. The silence had become familiar and comforting for them in the last two weeks. They reached the main staircase when James halted one step bellow her.

"I love you, you know that?" He said with uncompromising honesty, looking into her eyes.

A feeling of peace enveloped Lily as she looked into his eyes. Under all the pain and the guilt she could still see clearly the boy she fell in love with that summer.

"I love you, too," she replied. Only after their kiss had been interrupted by the rude sounds that Peeves made above them did she realize that this was the first time she had told him that.

They went down to the Entrance Hall, where the students passed on their way to the Great Hall, chatting with their friends and exchanging summer experiences. Lily felt that everyone were watching her; Dumbledore silenced what had happened in James' house, so she had to assume she was being stared at because of the Head Girl badge, or because she was holding hands with James Potter, her arch enemy.

There was a sharp whistle behind them, They turned to see Sirius, Remus And Peter walking toward them in their Gryffindor uniform. Lily had never thought she would feel that way, but it moved her to see the four of them reuniting, and the love and concern that James' friends had expressed for him almost without saying a word. She felt their warmth envelop her, and she laughed at their jokes, which soon started up again and replaced the somber glances.

When she felt someone looking at her she turned almost indiscriminately and saw Severus at the edge of the crowd, gaunt and somber in his Slytherin uniforms. He was perhaps the only one in the room except Lily and the Marauders who knew what had happened that night. Did he know that she and James faced Voldemort? Was there a slim chance that she would persuade him to turn back from his evil ways?

His eyes darted between her and James, whose arm rested lightly around her shoulders. The pain was visible and clear on Severus' face, as if it were physical. Lily produced a sad smile, though she wasn't sure if Severus could see it, and turned her back without remorse.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are very much welcome


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